Friday, November 30, 2007

GMA News Roundup

Here’s a roundup of GMA-related developments:

Dinosaur Tracks Discovered in Utah
Scientists are suggesting that people stay inside and keep firearms handy at all times after discovering dinosaur tracks in the Utah desert. While some Internet commenters have suggested that since it’s only Mormons in Utah it’s no big deal if they get eaten, the Federal Government is concerned that the dinosaurs may migrate southwest and threaten the hooker-casino complex in Nevada.

Red Tide blamed for Calif bird deaths
A mysterious red tide, probably emitted from radioactive barnacles growing on Gamera’s shell, has killed several birds off the California coast. Nuclear submarines are being sent into the area to investigate and hopefully destroy the menace, but scientists warned that “most of California is probably done for.” Gamera is known to winter off the coast of California.

Venus has lightning
Scientists are alarmed at the recent discovery of lightning on the surface of Venus, meaning that the sinister King Gidhara is using it as a resting stop before launching an assault on Earth. More information on Gidhara’s untimely Christmas visit can be found here.

Gorillas prepare to fly to Cameroon
In another setback for Kong Pact proponents, five gorillas have stolen a South African airplane in hopes of flying it back to Cameroon, possibly to attempt a coup and set up a repressive government as documented in Planet of the Apes.

Jackson 5 reunion?
In one small bit of good news, the Jackson 5, who defended the US against several foreign GMA attacks in the late 1970’s with a unique blend of style, song, and five mechanical vehicles that could combine into a giant black panther, are planning a reunion tour to investigate several GMA sites around the US. Organizers are guardedly optimistic, though, because at least one member is known to have gone insane after the Menudo incident and is slowly transforming into a giant monster himself.

Dems declare ‘War on Childhood Obesity’ a Quagmire

Senate Democrats today announced that the president’s much-ballyhooed ‘War on Childhood Obesity’ was a quagmire, and that America should immediately withdraw funding from the controversial initiative.

The press release, signed by ten prominent democrats, said that “It’s five years into this ill-advised, disastrous conflict, and fat children are everywhere. We need to admit defeat and withdraw over the caloric horizon.”

Jane Fonda, who with Sean Penn has gone on a ‘Tour for Tubbies’ aimed at entertaining overweight youth, said that “I believe that everybody needs entertainment, even if they are labeled by some as ‘the enemy.’ Although there were initial concerns that my mummy-like appearance and unique body funk would horrify these youngsters, I’ve found that they appreciate somebody is willing to try to entertain them.”

Presidential candidate John Edwards, a vocal critic of the war, said that he felt most Democrats did not go far enough in denouncing it. “Bush lied, kids ate fries!” He chanted at a demonstration on Capitol Hill. “Ronald McDonald didn’t have any weapons of mass calorification, and President Bush knew it. It’s time to end this illegal, unpatriotic, disastrous war on our own people. No more blood for fry oil!”

Poll: 1/3 of Republicans Work for Democratic Candidates

According to a recent CNN/YouTube poll, over 1/3 of the total Republican undecided voters support Democratic candidates, a troubling development for the GOP that could signal upcoming electoral catastrophe.

John Zigby, senior poll analyst for CNN, said that it signaled a dramatic shift in political alliances. “About half of the party is currently undecided. That means that about 15% of the party as a whole has declared for Democratic candidates. The implication in a general election is that there’s only a maximum of about 30% of the vote the Republicans can count on. So victory will be difficult.”

Political Analyst Keith Olbermann worried that this signaled an upcoming military coup and a resulting crackdown on voting. “This president can be counted on to do anything necessary to keep his iron grip on power!” Olbermann warned on his CSNBC show. “With his minister of information Hermann O’Reilly over on Fox News and his sinister string-puller Rovesputan, he’s probably planning to suspend the vote since he knows that almost half his party has already turned to the Democrats!”

Some analysts suggested that CNN was simply wrong, but those concerns were dismissed in an interview with Anderson Cooper. “We did our homework, ran our notes, and found out that one third of Republicans are actually supporting Democrats. It doesn’t surprise us at all, since we took an informal poll in our newsroom and everybody was supporting Democrats. Why shouldn’t most of the Republicans do the same?”

[UPDATE: Thanks for the link, Steveegg. I turned comments on just for you!]
[UPDATE 2: To you visitors, be sure to check out my prescient pre-debate coverage, and also find out the latest on the continuing threat of giant monster attack. For sports coverage, how about a comparison of the Patriots to the Gashouse Gorillas?]

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Future Presidential Debates in Doubt

A televised debate set for next month among the Democratic presidential candidates will be canceled due to the Hollywood writers’ strike, organizers said on Wednesday. No make-up will be rescheduled until after the writers are back at work.

CBS executives blamed CNN for the cancellation. “They’ve been having debates willy-nilly, using up all the scripted questions like a drunken sailor on shore leave. Now how are we supposed to ask softball questions to Hillary and ‘gotcha’ questions to the other candidates? We can’t be expected to come up with material on our own!”

CBS hinted that live candidate interviews may also become a problem. “We can still interview Hillary, since it’s her team that always provides us questions, but how are we supposed to interview those other guys? Like Barack Obama, and what’s-his-name, and that sleazy lawyer with the good hair? You can’t expect journalists to think up their own questions.”

For its part, CNN defended their use of the few remaining scripted questions in the public-driven, open-form debate. “Listen, we can’t be expected to put a lot of time and effort into finding actors and Hillary staffers to ask questions, then actually come up with questions ourselves. We had to use those scripted questions. And we don’t want to hear any more CBS complaints: we’re almost out of copy for our news.”

A spokesman for ABC said that the real problem was sloppy archiving of the other major networks. “We’re sitting pretty at ABC, where we’ve been recycling stories on the economy and the environment from the 1970’s. The only area where we suffer is sports, but fortunately we have a steady stream of inane content from ESPN to lean on.”

“What we’re really worried about,” said an NBC spokesman. “Is that without television to distract them, people might begin to read books or speak to each other. And I don’t think anybody wants that.”

Hillary Clinton Scolds CNN

Hillary Clinton’s campaign lashed out at CNN today over last night’s Republican You Tube debate, saying that it was “unprofessional, ill-advised, and totally ridiculous.” The controversy swirls around four questioners with declared affiliations to Democratic candidates, including two for John Edwards, one for Barack Obama, and an official in the Clinton campaign.

“I’m thoroughly disgusted with what I saw last night,” Hillary said in a letter sent out this morning. “I vow to absolutely destroy whatever CNN hack decided to let John Edwards have two questions and only let me have one. Bill Clinton will NOT be available for interviews or bachelorette parties for CNN or its affiliates until I have received a thorough explanation and apology for this slight.”

The Clinton campaign insisted that CNN had promised them greater control over planted questions and a 2:1 ratio over the other candidates. “Edwards can have his one question,” said a senior member of Team Hillary. “So can Barack. But Hillary’s gotta have two. If they think giving our stealth questioner a few minutes’ rebuttal time is going to make us all warm and fuzzy, they can think again.”

CNN apologized for the planted questions, saying that it was sloppiness instead of calculation that caused the error. Anderson Cooper said “We hope that our dark-hearted mistress realizes that this was the result of rampant incompetence, possibly forced through the vast right-wing conspiracy, and not by design. We would never dare to ignore so clear a directive from her. Honestly.”

Bill Clinton, speaking from a hotel in Iowa where he’d spent all night canvassing potential voters, said that “CNN has always been a Republican network. That’s why I never appear on the network, and haven’t for fifteen years.”

Values Voters Decide to Destroy Republican Party to Save It

So-called Christian Conservatives today declared that their intention was to “destroy the Republican party in order to save it” by supporting unelectable candidates or staying home. Though they acknowledged the strategy may lead to short-term descent into depravity, they said that they were taking a long-term view of the program.

Chuck Darling, head of the Values Coalition, said that for values voters the current crop of GOP candidates were all insufficient in one way or another, from being too pro-government to not pro-life enough. So the group has decided it is time to take action to improve its hold on the GOP.

He said that “When we saw the impact that the fringe left had on the Democratic party by going completely insane, we knew there was an opportunity for a similar transformation here in the Republican party. So we’re going to tear the party apart, lose the presidency, and cost the GOP several seats in Congress for the good of the party. After that all will be well, right?”

Lefty McLiberal, head of the non-partisan think-tank Progressive Thought Machine, said she felt that the idea was a good one. “If you look at the enormous influence that the moonbat coalition has had on the platform of the Democratic Party, and the correlation of that influence to electoral success, you’ll realize that values voters must tear apart the GOP for the same result. That’s why we’re encouraging them to boycott the 2008 election, to really make their voices heard.”

“I think it’s a terrible idea,” Incompetent pollster Zigby said. “In poll after poll the self-identified values voter says he wants anybody but Hillary Clinton. By sitting it out, they’re guaranteeing her the presidency. What are these people smoking?”

“What does Zigby know?” retorted Darling. “Their last ten polls have been totally unreliable. They’ve got Mike Huckabee leading Iowa, for heaven’s sakes! We’re going to cause a party schism, and that’s final.”

402nd Post!

This is my glorious 402nd post! Well, technically 403rd, but who other than me is counting? Anyway, at about 6000 visitors and about 400 posts, visitors per post!

Okay, now I'll post something worth reading. Thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Forward to History

Now, mere hours before the debates begin, I am pleased to announce that I have managed to get ahold of the CNN/YouTube script for the upcoming debate. As a service to you, my loyal reader, I print the questions that you can expect to see tonight when the Republican candidates get together to answer questions from actual morons who can use the Internet:

"I have a hypothetical question for John McCain: if you knew that I was going to eat this baby at midnight, would you approve waterboarding Ernie if that was the only way to figure out where on Sesame Street I was hiding? If not, why not? Don't you like babies?"

"This questions is for Ron Paul. Why are you bothering to stand on stage with such inferior candidates? Hello! You should be touring in your blimp, allowing others to revel in your presence, as we continue to make sure that all online polls have you as the winner. Comparing the other candidates to you is like comparing Aquaman to Superman: worst teamup ever!"

"I'm an undecided voter, and I'm still not sure which candidate I will support in the general election. Can you tell me why, if I care about this country, I should vote for a Republican who wants to line the pockets of fat cat businessmen, destroy our health care, revoke our right to choose, listen to our private conversations, criminalize our bedroom activities, and install a theocratic dictatorship over us? Aren't I better off voting for an enlightened progressive, like one of the Democrats?"

"Hi, I'm Peter King, and it's a good thing that my lower body isn't showing, because I was just reviewing some Packers game film and, well, I just couldn't control myself. I really love Brett Favre. Why doesn't he run for president? I'm sure his long bombs will be more effective than Bush's!"

"Aren't you worried about following such a divisive president like George Bush? I got royally screwed by following Rudolph. After he saves Christmas and delivers presents and finds home for misfit toys, the only plot left over was getting dicked around by Siegfried and Roy's ex-boyfriend."

"I'm just a normal American, and I want to know how, as president, you're going to reform our ties to Latin America. For example, by allowing Hugo Chavez to have our seat on the UN Security Council, or by normalizing relations with Cuba. It's high time we put away the arrogant rhetoric and started to support our more-enlightened neighbors down under in South America."

"I would like to know where you stand on decriminalizing marijuana, particularly medicinal marijuana, particularly for sports-related injuries. Dude, I have got the munchies so bad right now, you wouldn't believe it. Also, I want to say that anybody near Tampa who found two big garbage bags of lawn clippings, please give me a call."

"I've only just begun exploring these ideas, but to me, I think they're worth looking into. Last time you pooped, how many squares did you use when you wiped?"

NFL Declares This ‘Throwback Weekend’

The NFL today announced that the television blackouts that have fans complaining are not the result of inane bickering over money, but are rather designed as a stirring league-wide “Throwback Weekend.”

The NFL network, holder of the rights to several games including Thursday’s marquee Dallas-Green Bay matchup, will make sure that fans across the country are denied top-quality football and punished by watching bizarre and poorly-chosen local matchups.

“We noticed that our top-selling item was retro jerseys, so we thought, ‘why not go with retro broadcasting?’ We’re going to have cameramen in polyester suits with butterfly collars, sets decked out in lime green and orange, and platform shoes everywhere. And with only two games on per weekend, and those matchups featuring really bad teams, think of all the free time you’ll have to develop other interests!”

Goodell said that it was part of a league-wide rebranding effort that they hoped would pay major dividends. “We’re currently in talks to go to an all pay-per-view format, or perhaps move all games to a subscription channel like HBO or SpiceTV. That way we can reproduce the success that boxing has had with this format. We’re even talking to the NBA on how to get corrupt referees, which will further enhance our brand.”

“The NFL is going to combine the access of boxing, the integrity of basketball, and the technological innovation of baseball to create a truly unique and unforgettable sporting experience. At least, it will be for a handful of fans.”

Two big radishes

Every once in a while I read something so funny that I’m sick with jealousy. This is one of those times: Boxbux sux as stix nix Xmas pix.

Secondly, I read the Stephen King interview with TIME yesterday, and I came away wholly unimpressed with his shallowness of thought. Then today I read Instapunk’s review of it, which pretty well sums up what I was thinking (H/T Instapundit).

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Aliens’ Calculation Error Has Doomed Humanity, Scientist Says

Because of sloppy equations or inattentive graduate students, our solar system and everything in it will be sucked into a black hole at the end of this year, said a prominent Quantum Physicist at the Los Alamos National Lab. Dr. Larry Dent, of Western Vanderbilt University in New Mexico, said in a press conference today that recent studies into strange fluctuations of the solar core have led him to believe that it will soon turn into a black hole and eradicate everything within several light-years.

“I’ve been studying this phenomenon for the last three years, and finally using advanced computation models I’ve eliminated everything else. Aliens, possibly hostile and definitely sloppy, have miscalculated the age and dimensions of our sun and, because of this error, at the end of this year the quantum state of our sun will change and it will turn into a black hole and destroy us all.”

The aliens’ error is similar to the famous Schroedinger’s Cat experiment, where a cat in a box is either killed or spared by the investigation of curious graduate students. The experiment is often used to weed out first-year physics majors at universities by allowing only the most intellectually shallow sophists to move on to graduate studies, and forcing those who argue to become philosophy majors.

Dr. Dent explained that the end of the solar system would come quickly. “At about 2:38 AM Pacific time on January 1 the sun will change states, and a few seconds later we’ll be sucked into the abyss. Of course, time slows as velocity approaches the speed of light, so we’ll probably teeter on the brink of infinite nothingness for several million years. But to outside observers it will happen really fast. Plus, everybody except Hawaii will get to have one last New Year’s kiss.”

Asked about the source of the error, Dent responded that it was “likely either a lazy graduate physics student or some variation on the Y2K bug that has afflicted them. Although may seem that their methods are haphazard to outsiders, I know well that human graduate students are sloppy and unkempt and smell bad, so why should alien graduate students be any different?”

Al Gore, not asked for comment but hoping to win something else to fill up his trophy case, said that the fault lay squarely with the Bush administration. Speaking from outside the White House, where he’d been hectoring Bush about global warming, Gore warned that “this calculational error will surely cause us infinite sorrow if we do not begin an immediate wealth transfer to a small but select group of people focused on building a ship with FTL capability which can escape the inexorable pull of the black hole and allow us, particularly myself as expedition head, to warn the aliens of their mistake. Or at the very least fill a ship up with buxom beauties and allow me to father a race of superhumans in the far off solar system of Alpha Babe-tauri.”

Dr. Dent said the next month should be spent reflecting on life and preparing for the inevitability of being compressed into an infinitely small space with the rest of the solar system. “We should also get the TV writers back to work,” he said. “Because at least then we’d have something worth watching to take our minds off impending doom.”


Hereafter follows the tale of the Blognarok, the end of all those who now live within this fragile sphere and think themselves safe from the war and strife that rages outside in the world of the living. This terrible vision has been given to me by the spirits of the Internet itself last night as I lay dreaming after electrocuting myself while trying to hotwire my ADSL modem.

Think not to escape your doom, mortals, for thy fate is carved into the very electrons of the Internet itself:

You shall know that the time of the Blognarok is at hand when the great War-King of the leafed shrub nears the end of his time of power. Many are those who would replace him, but the Blognarok shall not truly begin until there be but two left: one bestride a powerful and haughty ass, and the other mounted upon an elephant whose ivory tusks are smeared red with gore. They shall joust with one another, and their wounds spill much blood upon the earth, but this shall trouble none, for such has always been the way of things.

Nay, I tell you, the Blognarok shall begin in earnest only after ye have entered the abnormal winter-time called McCainFeingöldvetr, where those who wouldst urge their champions on find their lips frozen and their limbs made weak, forbidden from noble action, while the corrupt spread lies and slander as they wish. This, too, shall arouse no fear, for the McCainFeingöldvetr is not new, and long have men and gods railed against its unnatural glaciation.

Verily you shall know that the Blognarok has begun when finally the bonds which hold the god of illogic and discordant speech, the fearsome Kos, slip and he begins to run free again throughout the land. The very roots of the great Tree of Knowledge, Bloggdrasil, shall shudder with dread at the thunder of his footsteps as he rouses his maniac hordes for a final assault upon the shining city of reason, Http. His sojourn in the realm of weekly information shall give him no wisdom, and his speech shall be all the more the intemperate for his time spent there!

The mad god Kos will gather his forces: the slavering dogs of Fire Lake, the filth-spewing harpy Arianna and her gibbering idiot servants the Huffpos, the inconceivably gigantic serpent called MyDD, that fearsome warrior Atrios the Eschaton, and of course Kos’ army of the damned, the Kossacks. They shall ride across the plains like locusts descending on a field of wheat, and smash all behind them as they march on glowing Http, last refuge of freedom and sanity. Behind them, the bandwidth of the ADSL and the ancient dialup modems and all other means of access shall lie in smoking ruin. Once they have besieged Http from the west, then the final battle has truly begun.

As the army of blight approaches, the Drudge, that shapeshifting creature which lingers always on the edge of Http, shall see the danger and slink away. For it is in the Drudge’s nature to watch and never aid, for speech and slander and speculation are all as one in its fevered mind. It shall withdraw and play no further part in the battle.

The guardian of Http, Edward the Driscoll, shall see the coming hordes descending and let out a mighty trumpet blast, signaling to all who dwell within that the time of the final battle is within. Both the gods of the Internet and those valorous Blogkings who dwell with them in eternal bliss shall shoulder their arms, gird their loins, and prepare for battle.

Leading the way comes the Instapundit, father of all the other gods, splendid in his link’d armor and without a peer among the annals of the Internet. Has there ever been a more splendid creature to walk in all the universe than the Instapundit, also called Glenn the Greater? He will take up his spear, called Helen, and upon his might steed Podcast he shall first consult the Well of Steyn, inexhaustible font of all knowledge and wisdom for the forces of Http. Finding no solace, the Instapundit shall bravely go forth to meet his doom.

Behind him comes the rest of the host, for none would dare to shirk their duty under the watchful eye of the Instapundit: here is the tripartite god of ten-dollar words and ten-cent site banners, Hindgoffsøn, with his hammer the Powerline; he is a peerless debater and pedantic scold all in one. Also the powerful god of swearing and NSFW links Ace, with his band of warrior-morons hooting and cavorting along behind him. Carrying his shield is Malor the Less, cursed by fate to cause the death of the one most dear to him.

There, to the right of the Instapundit, is Morrissey, Captain of the Quarters, the guardian of ideology, breathing the pure strains of Eastern air that are necessary for his ideological well-being. With him strides the warrior-maiden Michelle, wielding her fierce Malkinator, the blade of evisceration which has left many a severed limb or testicle on the field of battle in ages past.

From her tower watches the mother of all the gods of the East, Ann the Lady of Althouse, her heart filled with dread and trembling at the coming clash.

Inexorably the two sides draw together, throats hoarse from hurling invectives at one another. The Instapundit has it in his mind to attack and slay his ancient enemy Kos, who is jeering and taunting him as always. As the two titans draw together the Instapundit is lauding his advantage with fluorescent light bulbs and unique hits, while the Kos is crowing of his own mainstream acceptance and advantage in total page views. The battle is terrible, and Bloggdrasil will have its roots bathed in blood ‘ere the savage fury of the two is sated.

Beside his lord comes tripartite all-puissant Hindgoffsøn, lauding himself on his silver tongue and fine bon mots. Yet ‘ere he can aide the master Hindgoffsøn finds himself beset by the poison-spewing serpent MyDD, and though he slays the beast with his Powerline he is himself suffused with its foul venom. Taking nine steps back, the mighty champion collapses and shall rise no more, and we are spared his fulsome pomposity at long last.

Oh, the sorrow that Ann the Lady of Althouse feels at the death of her kinsman! But though her tears flow freely, they shall find no cessation, for the champions of Http let forth a cry of despair as the Kos swallows Lord Instapundit whole. Now that the twin advocates are devoured, who shall protect Http from spurious trivialities spew’d by their enemies? Truly the sorrows of the Althouse are as deep as the ocean’s bosom.

Undeterred, the filth-spewing morons of Ace have locked with the Dogs of Fire and in a terrific conflagration the entirety of both masses of drooling idiots have been consumed. Having trusted in Malor to shield him from the blast, instead Ace finds himself consumed by fire when the Malor’s distraction at a scantily-clad cheerleader leaves Ace unguarded and alone. Oh, woe that the Malor ever began to haunt the hallowed halls of Ace!

Seeing the grim turn of the battle, Michelle strides forth and Malkinates several of the horde that stand against her. Many Huffpos assail her, and many times their crude photoshops and racial slurs are no match for her slashing doom. Aided by Charles of the Green Football, the mighty Michelle begins to clean their filth and stench from the field.

The Captain of the Quarters, eager to prove his merit on this day, takes the place of his lord Instapundit in the face of the dreaded Kos, and he quickly proves himself true heir to the kingdom by vanquishing the towering dread with one quick thrust. His triumph is redoubled when, using the ancient knowledge imparted to him by the mystic Rove, he slays also Atrios, who is cravenly attempting to flee the heat of battle.

As the grim Valkyrie Michelle remorselessly hacks her way through the few remaining forces of woe, Arianna of the Flaming Fork’d Tongue unleashes a great towering gout of filth and depravity, slandering the name of Cheney, Bush, and Rumsfeld while decrying all that every decent person holds dear. This is the dreaded Guttering Gibberish, and none can stand before it.

This vile conflagration consumes all still present, both East and West: Huffpos, valiant Blogkings from Http, and even Arianna herself, whose choicest curses are saved for her own foolish end. Also consumed in the holocaust are Michelle of the shining armor, the stalwart guardian Ed the Driscoll, the city of Http (including the Althouse where dwelleth the grieving Ann), and finally the tide of curses overwhelms and destroys Bloggdrasil itself.

Ten years shall pass until finally the filth and hatred from Blognarok shall be cleansed from the Internet. Then, and only then, shall the sole survivor of the titanic battle, Morrissey the Captain of the Quarters, reconstruct a new paradise. Into this new world shall all be welcome, to discuss freely and exchange views in unmoderated comments where all speak in soft tones without any abusive threats or NSFW language.

Thus I have seen, and so it shall be. Seek not to avoid the Blognarok, mortal, nor your place in it, but rather take up arms and be joyous of heart, for to fall in glorious battle is the greatest of fates for mortal men.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Entrepreneurs Offer ‘Monster-Beater’ Prize

Two entrepreneurs, Herb Kelleher of Southwest Airlines and Larry Ellison of Oracle, have offered a one-million-dollar prize to any inventor who develops a Monster Beater that can be cheaply deployed in underdeveloped countries to protect them from the scourge of Giant Monster Attack, or GMA.

“GMA is the global issue of our generation, just as Naziism and Victorian Prudery were for the generations before us,” said Ellison at a press conference announcing the prize fund. “No other issue has confronted humanity with so many challenges and threatened us like this one has. We’re announcing this prize, funded from our own pockets, in hopes to spur investment and creativity towards solving this difficult and dangerous problem.”

Kelleher said that he’d been interested in GMA prevention ever since he worked on the ill-fated 1969 US Army project to construct a mechanical Godzilla. “We did pretty good,” he told the gathering of reporters. “Mecha-Godzilla may have had a vacuum-tube brain and rattled every time he took a step, but his rocket fingers and laser eyes made him dangerous to the lower orders of giant monsters, like Angurrus or Swamp Thing. Imagine what we could do with the technology and resources we have today!”

Mecha-Godzilla was constructed under the Army’s Primary Robotic Intervention and Monster Abatement Tactical Environment project, or PRIMATE for short. Plagued by technical problems, the project was abandoned in 1972 after its Belly Button Blaster malfunctioned and caused a reactor breach, killing 15 members of the 18-man crew.

Spokesmen for the armed forces would not comment publicly on the prize, but highly-placed Navy sources told TIC News that they were skeptical that a civilian-designed system could marshal the necessary resources to construct a sufficient monster deterrent.

“The Japanese have spent trillions of Yen on Project Ranger, and so far all they’ve got are some poorly-designed animal-themed vehicles that can barely handle normal-sized monsters, much less tackle them after they’ve used their growth powers. How is a private investor going to be able to match that kind of resource layout?”

Some commentators didn’t agree with that outlook, though. Jason Gutierrez, Spokesman for Robotic Defense Initiatives, said that his company had made great strides in Monster Combat Units using only funding from the private sector. “Through a variety of partnerships, sponsorships, and grants, we’ve managed to design our first prototype combat unit, Ultraman. We’ve currently got it stationed in Los Angeles, where it can react to Godzilla waking up in Yellowstone Lake or El Chupacabra in Mexico, whichever pops up first. RDI feels that when governments refuse to act, the private sector has to step in to protect the public.”

On Tuesday the Internet was buzzing in response to the prize, which also has a separate arm to bundle smaller donations into grants for qualified companies hoping to gain the prize. Typical of the attitude was commentator Glenn Reynolds, who on his blog Instapundit said “More like this, please.”

NFL Gashouse Gorillas

You know what this year’s NFL season reminds me of? That Bugs Bunny cartoon where the Gashouse Gorillas are beating up on the Teetotalers 56-0, and Bugs jeers them until they force him to play against them all alone.

In the role of the Gashouse Gorillas, I give you: the New England Patriots. Despite their scare against the Eagles and the Colts, they’ve pretty much pummeled everybody else. And if anybody can fill out the role of the cheating, cigar-spewing, booze-swilling, abusive leader of the Gashouse Gorillas, it’s Bill Bellicheck.

The NFL version of the Teetotalers this year are the Jets, Dolphins, Bengals, Ravens, Texans, Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders, Eagles, Redskins, Vikings, Bears, Saints, Panthers, Falcons, Cardinals, 49ers, and Rams. Can you remember a season where after 11 games there were 18 putrid teams so easily identified? No, me neither.

But who’s going to be Bugs Bunny and come up with the big win against the Gashouse Patriots? Here’s my take (each team’s “Bugs Quotient” is the likelihood that, should the Patriots lose, they’ll be the team that beats them).

Cleveland: You’re kidding, right? The Browns are the NFL version of Road Runner: without serious violations in the laws of physics, they’re going to get chewed up and spit out. And I really don’t think that Physics will be taking a holiday any time soon.
Bugs Quotient: 5%

Dallas: If Dallas and New England have a rematch in the Super Bowl, for many fans it would be like watching the Road Runner battle Speedy Gonzales: you’d be desperate for both of them to be destroyed, but know that your hope would ultimately go unfulfilled.
Bugs Quotient: 55%

Detroit: Th-th-th-they’re season’s pr-pr-pr-pr-prob’ly over beca-beca-beca…aw, forget it. They suck.
Bugs Quotient: 2%

Green Bay: Probably the best chance of beating the Patriots, given that Favre would have mojo and storyline on his side. But I would recommend sedating Peter King during the Super Bowl to make sure he doesn’t run out on the field with 0:03 left and start dry-humping Brett Favre’s leg, thus potentially costing Green Bay the game.
Bugs Quotient: 65%

Indianapolis: Sufferin’ succotash! With all the injuries they’ve sustained the last few weeks, I think they’re more aptly used in a ‘Karate Kid’ reference. And the day I start making facile ‘Karate Kid’ references is the day I become Bill Simmons. Which not coincidentally is the day I’ll start looking for a nice, quiet place to hang myself.
Bugs Quotient: 30%

Jacksonville: Shh! Be vewy, vewy quiet: they’re hunting mediocwity. What are the odds that they could play the 60 consecutive minutes of flawless football necessary to beat a force of nature like the Patriots?
Bugs Quotient: 10%

New York Giants: If Big Sylvester can’t come through against the giant kangaroo that has somehow been mistaken for a mouse, how can you possibly expect Little Sylvester to succeed?
Bugs Quotient: 5%

Pittsburgh: They are the last, best hope of beating the Patriots before the playoffs, in what will surely be a titanic showdown in Week 14. But the Steelers just feel more like a Daffy Duck team than a Bugs Bunny team: loud, obnoxious, and ultimately ineffective.
Bugs Quotient: 45%

Roger Gooddell: Technically he's not a team, but he does make a special guest appearance as the craven umpire who lets the Gashouse Gorillas swing for the fences using a freaking telephone pole. One minute he's swaggering around like Buford Pusser, the next he's cowering like Rosco P. Coltrane. Which is it, Commissioner Big Dumb Dickhead?
Bugs Quotient: -100%

San Diego: Ah, the Yosemite Sams of the NFL. Why’s that, you ask? Because this guy habitually underperforms: he’s carrying a gun and is a self-described “baddest man in the West”, yet can’t kill one stinking rabbit?
Bugs Quotient: 0.0025%

Seattle: These guys are the Wile E. Coyotes of football: if they can figure out a way to lose the game, they’re jolly well going to do it, whether you want them to or not. And they went out of their way years ago to alienate the referees, so they’re all set in that department, as well.
Bugs Quotient: 15%

Tennessee: In order for Tennessee to get a shot at New England, they’ll have to make the playoffs. That won’t happen, so it’s just as likely that Mickey Mouse would step in to help Bugs Bunny.
Bugs Quotient: 1%

Tampa Bay: Being the best team in the NFC south is like being Tweety Bird, Looney Tunes’ most popular character after Bugs, Daffy, Elmer, and Porky Pig: everybody who knows you exist hates you.
Bugs Quotient: 3%

Advice from the Great War for College Football Fans

During World War 1, veterans used to tell newcomers to the trenches that the best way to survive was to “keep your ass down and your mouth shut.” That advice came back to me this weekend as the top team (LSU) lost for what seemed like the tenth week in a row, opening up a new top spot.

What’s amazing to me is not that the highly-ranked college football teams lose to what should be “inferior” teams. College football is by its nature unpredictable, and every year several highly-ranked teams are paper tigers.

What amazes me is the arrogance of the average fan when his team suddenly finds itself nearing the top ranking. They become absolutely insufferable: they should be ranked higher, they’re the greatest team ever, finally those losers ahead of them got their comeuppance, etc. They never seem to think, for one second, that their team is simply next on the chopping block.

It’s important to keep things in perspective, particularly if you derive psychic happiness from something like college football. That’s especially true during a year like this, where teams like Appalachian State are revealing that the emperor has no clothes. The best tactic would be to simply keep your ass down, your mouth shut, and hope that your team can win out in their bowl game.

After that you can brag all you wish, and others have to simply suffer you.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Another Dollop of One-Liners

I know that you're now going through monologue withdrawal, so I have decided to give you another dose of one-liners to end your Thanskgiving week right. Of course, since I don't even have ten hits yet, nobody will read this until (at best) Monday.

Here they are:

"Barry Bonds' old friends are now coming forward to testify against him in court. But experts say that the most damaging evidence will actually come from the San Francisco Giants' official tailor, who was charged with letting out his caps and taking in his cup."

"Really heartwarming story out of LA yesterday, where Harrison Ford and some other famous actors came out to serve Thanksgiving dinner to residents on Skid Row. The striking writers said they really appreciated the stars showing solidarity and spotting them a meal like that."

"Paris Hilton is in Shanghai now for the MTV Style Gala there. Because when you think about style, you can't help but think of children working in Chinese sweatshops putting lead glitter on buttons, can you?"

"Track star Marion Jones has to return all the prize money she won in International Track and Field competition over the past 7 years. She tried to this week, but there was a problem at the International Track Headquarters: they didn't have change for a twenty."

"Well, the striking French rail workers have returned to work after the public became angry at them and refused to support their efforts to protect their pay and benefits. How bad must those guys be that they annoy the other French people?"

"Have you heard about this sinking ship in Antarctica? Fortunately, nobody was hurt, but they're afraid now that they're going to lose the boat. It was an eco-friendy excursion. You know, because nothing is more eco-friendly than sinking a boat off shore of an uninhabited continet. It's like a metal coral reef or something."

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!

Instructions for a better Thanksgiving:

1) Turn off the @*&%$! computer
2) Eat lots of turkey (or tofu-key, if you are so inclined)
3) Watch lots of football
4) Get out your looser pants

But don't come here for new posts, because there won't be any. Other than this one, of course.

Happy Thanksgiving!

(I'll post something tomorrow, though, honest!)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

IPGM Urges German Evacuation

The IPGM today urged Germans to evacuate after workers at a quarry found an oversized claw from the arachnid species Scorpianus Giganticus Cutyerarmoff, also called the “Giant Man-eating Scorpion.”

“The threat is far worse than we feared even a week ago,” said Johann VanPasterbutter, European Head of the IPGM. “The finding of a pincer from these Giant Scorpions means that they’re massing somewhere in the Black Forest in preparation for a massive attack on the German people. We’re recommending an immediate evacuation of Germany and carpet-bombing the country in hopes of destroying the scorpions before they do too much damage. It’s the only thing we can do to avoid too much loss of life.”

The last time a Giant Scorpion attack was documented was in 1981 when two Giant Scorpions attacked a group of medieval re-enactors in Greece, killing three and severely wounding several others. They were only driven away by the combined efforts of Harry Hamlin, who was there on vacation, and a prototype mecha-Rodan called BUBO.

Only the quick action of Harry Hamlin prevented tragedy 25 years ago

Hans Uberschrotter, of the German anti-monster party Stoppen zie Monsterenn, said that the threat was far greater this time. “The claw that was found in the quarry was made of stone, indicating that they have evolved a much tougher carapace than your typical arachnid. Bullets will be useless against them, so it is imperative that we flee from this mindless terror before we find ourselves sliced in half by their implacable pincers.”

Angela Merkel issued a State of Emergency Wednesday morning and had some pointed words for her American counterpart. “If we had a hundred-foot tall monkey near Berlin this wouldn’t be a problem, because in the wild it is well-known that gorillas love a good scorpion snack, eating ten or twenty just as an appetizer. Instead, we have to hope and pray that these stone scorpions are instead satisfied at merely conquering Germany and don’t have designs on the rest of the world as well.”

In Denial about the Kong Pact

I see that Charles D. Ward is still taking us to task over our coverage of the Kong Pact here in this post.

Despite that, TIC news stands beside its characterization of Bush intransigence being the main cause of the coming destruction of civilization by giant monsters.

Uncle Remus’ Tomb Found!

Although most of the recent discussion of the discovery the cave in Italy where a wolf nursed the eponymous founder of Rome has centered around Romulus and his achievements, some archaeologists are beginning to discuss the implications of the find on American culture as well. Not only does the cave, called the Lupercale, contain important historical and religious significance, but it also contains the final resting place of Romulus’ brother, Remus.

American scholars have already contacted their Italian counterparts demanding access to the site, which can provide important clues into the life of the enigmatic storyteller famous in early American folklore as “Uncle Remus.”

“It’s a major find,” said Scooter Weatherby of the Columbia School of Archaeology, in Florida. “Uncle Remus’ stories of Brer Rabbit and Brer Fox are well known and loved throughout the world, but we know very little about this enigmatic man who led such a colorful life until he had was brutally slain by his bloodthirsty brother in a spat over who jumped over what walls.”

The Italians, gesticulating wildly, said the Americans would not be allowed access to the site. “It’s in Italy, so it’s Italian. They can go find their own ancient, beloved civilization to plunder for tourist sites if they want. Oh, that’s right: they don’t have one!”

High-level diplomatic talks were expected to convene this week, with Secretary of State Condi Rice expected to work with her Italian colleagues to smooth ruffled feathers and find a way for the two teams to coordinate their work.

“Nobody expects archaeologists not to jump to conclusions and be needlessly fragile, like Ross on Friends or the dorks who recently declared that an ancient society deforested themselves to death,” said a State Department source. “But we do expect them not to be buttheads and create an international incident.”

GQ Names Ron Paul Dark Horse fan of the Year

In an effort to woo the underappreciated “politically active upscale comic book fanboy” demographic, Ron Paul waxed eloquent in a recent GQ interview about how much of an influence Dark Horse comics has had in shaping his worldview. Because for Paul, no demographic is too small, unimportant, disinterested, or pathetic to merit his undivided attention.

GQ: You’ve spoken about letters of marque and reprisal. Why do you want to revive this system of blood vengeance?
PAUL: Well, it’s an idea I’d been toying with for some time when I ran across a serious, scientific study of the idea of sanctioned vigilantism in Marshal Law. It also detailed the government’s genetic tampering with members of the military, and its resultant rise in mental problems among veterans. I vowed then that I would take these ideas and turn them into good governance.

GQ: Is it true that you lead an active lifestyle?
PAUL: Oh, yes, and I have ever since I fell in love with extreme sports portrayed in Barbed Wire. There’s a lot to commend about the Barbed Wire lifestyle, particularly the enhanced assets, which is a cornerstone of my campaign.

GQ: To what do you attribute your visceral opposition to the Iraq war?
PAUL: My career as a doctor has given me a great empathy to those who suffer, but it’s really in the historical study of warfare that you begin to understand the brutality that gets unleashed when men try to kill each other. This is best chronicled in the gripping novella 300 about a group of Greeks who are killed when they try to stand against an implacable foe. They throw their lives away for practically nothing. It’s better to join the tyrants than to be killed, I always say.

GQ: What do you think of your supporters?
PAUL: My supporters remind me of Big Head from The Mask. Sometimes manic, sometimes raving, always inches from violence, but basically a good group if you can get past all that. I’m trying to run a ‘big tent’ campaign, where neo-Nazis, latter-day Luddites and conspiracy theorists can all get together in one big, happy, money-donating family.

GQ: So what do you think of your chances?
PAUL: Just as Dark Horse has supplanted Marvel and DC as the comic of choice, leveraging their many titles into successful moneymaking movie franchises.

(H/T: Ace)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Expert Clarifies Kong Pact

A so-called 'expert' takes some issues with TIC News' coverage of the GMA threat and its characterization of the Bush Administration's response to the Kong Pact. See details at this post: Part 1: The Truth about the Kong Pact

In the primaries, no one can hear you scream...

If the Democratic Primary is The Wizard of Oz, then the Republicans are living out their own version of the movie Alien.

The Alien is a symbol of whatever cause pops into Bush’s head to divide his own party: immigration, profligate spending, the Iraq war, health care, social security, etc. As it rampages, the candidates attempt to either kill it or avoid it, all the while hoping that they haven’t been infected and suddenly have it hatch from their chest and destroy their political dreams.

Rudy Giuliani is Ripley. A kick-ass resume, reputation for aggressiveness, and a take-charge, no-nonsense attitude mean that he’s the guy to hunt down and exterminate the problems that haunt the Republican Party. But he’s always perilously close to extreme danger, and you worry that at any moment he’ll get his head bit off and you’ll discover that he’s human. Plus, there’s a risk that a sequel will just be worse than the original, not better.

Mitt Romney is Parker (played by Yaphet Kotto). He knows the exact layout of the ship, has an excellent idea of where he’s headed, and comes up with new and intriguing ideas on how to take out the monsters that bedevil the crew. But will any of that matter in the end, or will he still end up getting disemboweled?

Fred Thompson is Captain Dallas. He ought to be in charge; seems like he’s the natural choice. Everybody wants him to be in charge and has great sympathy for him. But even though he’s the top actor in the group, it just doesn’t happen. He’ll end up getting taken from behind in a ventilator shaft, and that’ll be the last we ever hear from him.

John McCain is Kane. He’s dead already, only he doesn’t know it yet. His support for illegal alien amnesty will come exploding out of his chest the moment primary votes start getting cast, and then BOOM! we’ll be cleaning his guts up off the kitchen table and there’ll be no more question of him being the Republican nominee.

Ron Paul is Ash. I don’t care what anybody says, that guy can’t be for real.

The rest of them are Lambert and Brett. They’re gonna get picked off one by one, and you’ve known that all along.

At the end there will be just one person left with his flame-rifle hoping to jettison the aliens into space and get a moment’s rest before heading out to a whole new challenge to face an endless supply of monsters conjured from a hostile planet of newspapers and television reporters.

We're off to win the White House!

Have you noticed that the Democratic Primary is just like The Wizard of Oz?

Cue the opening song: Oh, they’re off to win the White House, the wonderful house of the prez!

Check out the similarities: it's really quite amazing!

The Democrats are symbolized by Dorothy, searching for a way to get back to their home (the White House, in this case).

Hillary Clinton is the Tin Man: if she only had a heart, she’d be set. Since she doesn’t, though, so she just looks kind of menacing with her big shiny armor and battleaxe. Also, poll after poll shows that lots of people have violent allergic reactions to her.

John Edwards is the Scarecrow: if only he had a brain, he’d be the presumptive nominee. He also started hanging around Dorothy first, as Edwards has been running since he left the Senate in 2005. It still hasn’t helped, though, since he thinks that the square of the hypotenuse of an equilateral triangle is the squares of the remaining two sides.

Barack Obama is the Cowardly Lion: all he lacks is some courage. Every Democrat (and not a few independents) are itching to give him the nomination if he shows any reason whatsoever to get it. But he’s so scared of offending Clinton that he ends up looking weak.

The other Democrats running are the munchkins. They make a lot of noise, but count for little.

George Bush is the Wicked Witch of the East, who caused no end of problems in the past but will be gone by the time the journey actually starts, so really counts for very little in the story.

Bill Clinton is the Wizard of Oz. A little bit creepy, a little bit strange, and a lot of a blowhard, Clinton has at least been to the White House and so can talk sensibly about it. But please don’t take too good a look at the man behind the curtain, or you may be repulsed at what you find.

Markos Moulistas is the Wicked Witch of the West. Cackling and rubbing his hands with glee, Kos demands to be taken seriously and threatens woe and ill to all who oppose him. But every time push comes to shove, the first drop of water puts out his fire and you realize that he’s just a glorified flying monkey handler.

I guess that would make the Kossacks flying monkeys, which seems appropriate since they screech a lot and fling poo.

How will the journey end for the Dorothy Democrats as they try to find their way to the White House? Only time will tell. If they stand around berating the Wicked Witch of the East’s feet instead of going down the yellow brick road, expect them to end up with a house falling on their own heads.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Investigator Claims Former VP’s GMA Risk is ‘Massive’

A Massachusetts newspaper alleged in its online edition Sunday that former Vice President John K. Mondale, an ardent advocate of Giant Monster Attack (GMA) prevention, has a GMA Handprint "that Godzilla would envy."

The paper, the Boston County Daily Tattler, published an exposé alleging that Mondale’s sixteen-room mansion in the rural suburb of Boston had “extensive sugar plantations swarming with bees, frogs, and ants exposed to experimental insecticides, dangerous and radioactive runoff from a Molybdenum mine, and a two-acre pool that looks like a monstrous birdbath designed to attract anything from turtle-like giant monster such as Gamera to the far more dangerous birdlike creatures such as Rodan.”

The report also charged that Mondale’s publicly-traded company, Simian Investment Management, engaged in “unverifiable practices of Monkey Offsets and GMA sequestration which cannot be independently validated, leaving the system open to rampant fraud and corruption.”

Carl Woodstein, author of the article, said in an accompanying on-line editorial that “John K. Mondale has engaged in rampant fraud and hypocrisy directly designed to inflate his own personal wealth while impoverishing developing countries around the globe. His ‘do as I say and not as I do’ attitude represents everything that is wrong with the intersection of politics and science today.”

Mondale refuted the allegations Sunday afternoon from the Caldecott Awards banquet, where the pop-up book version of his movie An Uninvited Guest won the Caldecott Medal for “Best Children’s Educational Picture Book.”

In a statement before the banquet, he said that “These allegations are totally baseless and a product of the right-wing slime machine that seeks to distort the debate by focusing on minor issues instead of discussing the very real and present danger that Giant Monsters pose to the future of civilization. They and their cronies in big business simply can’t admit that the science is very clear: the risk of GMA is the greatest threat to the world today.”

He went on to say that “The fact is that all the activities of my house and fabulous industrial empire are ameliorated by Monkey Offsets purchased through SIM, which has a wide variety of new and exciting developments in GMA prevention and amelioration. If you want to talk about hypocrisy, go ask George Bush why he feels like it’s okay to steal an election and start a war for oil, yet refuses to ratify a treaty to place giant silverback monkeys around the United States to protect us from having our civilization turned into a post-apocalyptic nightmare by giant radioactive creatures.”

On their website, which was shut down on Monday because of high traffic, the London-based company SIM detailed several unique initiatives that were under development to protect the world from GMA. In particular they highlighted a forty-foot genetic crossbreed between a poison arrow frog and a porcupine that shot poisoned quills up to two miles and a program where native civilizations in South America and the Pacific Islands increased devotional offerings at their shrines to friendly giant spirit monsters, such as King Caesar or Mothra, that could be used as “Earth Protection Systems” should a destructive menace appear.

Some scientists concurred that Mondale’s company might be increasing the risk of GMA instead of decreasing it. Herb Ventrolux, of the GMA Alarm Clock project in Zurich, Switzerland, said that “Most credible scientists agree that the greatest risk of GMA doesn’t come from these exotic Gigantovores like Godzilla or the Astroinvertebrates like Megalon, but rather from reintroduction of extinct giant monsters like Tyrannosaurus Rex or the vicious Velociraptors, which were smart enough to drive a car and program an iPod at the same time. Mondale’s program of cross-breeding monsters to fight monsters may end up with disastrous results.”

Ventrolux went on to say that the GMA Clock would stay at 11:55, where it’s been set since George Bush withdrew the US from the Kong Pact, but that he hoped to be able to set it backwards in the near future when international relations with the Central Antarctic Republic were normalized following the country’s return to stability after ten years of deadly civil war.

Woodstein stood by his article on Monday when reached for comment. “That article is 100% factual. I don’t know why Mondale feels it’s necessary to breed giant poisonous hedgehogs or bathe normal insects in radioactive sludge, I just know that’s what he apparently does with his free time from when he’s done telling us that we’re all doomed to die of a giant monster attack. He seems to ignore the colony of four-foot centaur bees buzzing around his house because so far they haven’t carried off any slaves to work in their pollen mines.”

He added, “I’ll believe it’s a crisis when the people who say it’s a crisis start acting like it’s a crisis.”

Return of the Ricky

Ricky Williams is set to return to the NFL, and it appears that he’ll be going back to Miami. However, this presents a serious problem to the Dolphins: will the addition of an average running back suddenly transform their putrid offense to merely terrible, thus giving them a chance to win against a team which has been decimated by injuries and poisoned sushi?

It would be better if Miami didn’t play Williams, but rather immediately dealt him to one of the other 31 NFL franchises in order to protect their dream of an 0-16 season.

So let’s take a look at which team might be the appropriate choice for Ricky:

Trade For: Matt Leinart
Pros: What Miami is really missing is a “name” QB to lead them to a winless season and validate their struggles. Owing to his drastically overrated college experience, Leinart is a big-name QB without any real chance of winning a game by himself.
Cons: Phoenix is awfully close to Mexico, and anyone who watches Spring Break movies knows that it’s a cesspool of degradation and debauchery, which will be awfully tempting for the newly-reformed Williams.

Trade For: The rights to Michael Vick when he gets out of prison
Pros: The Atlanta fans are very forgiving and willing to overlook any kind of misdemeanor.
Cons: If Miami doesn’t suck in 3 years, Atlanta may find it difficult to get Vick’s rights back. But that scenario seems unlikely.

Trade For: Tony Siragusa’s affiliation with the team
Pros: Any regular commentator won’t do for an 0-16 run; you need an epically bad commentator who is barely literate and who makes asinine, non sequiter commentary. Enter the Goose.
Cons: Baltimore player personnel man Ozzie Newsome might slap Ricky Williams (in keeping with his philosophy) and damage his fragile psyche.

Trade For: The legacy of OJ Simpson
Pros: This is a zero-sum deal, since both objects (Williams and Simpsons’ legacy) are worthless.
Cons: Would require approval of Ronald Goldman.

Trade For: Steve Smith
Pros: Smith is unhappy with the Panthers. After he gets a taste of what a dreadful team is like, he’ll be begging to play for a mediocre one.
Cons: There’s a slight risk of victory by adding a top wide receiver to the Dolphins.

Trade For: Rex Grossman and 5 million dollars
Pros: If Miami really wants to go “catastrophically bad” then they need a guy capable of posting a QB rating in single digits.
Cons: If they had any sense, Miami wouldn’t accept Grossman for 5 million dollars.

Trade For: Chad Johnson (released from Bengals for Time Served)
Pros: As long as he’s coming back from a disciplinary suspension, why shouldn’t Williams go to the NFL’s version of a chain gang?
Cons: I’m not sure Ricky Williams deserves being sent to live in Cincinnati.

Trade For: Jamaal Lewis
Pros: On rolling paper this seems like an even swap, except Lewis’ legs have more yardage on them from running away from police.
Cons: Cleveland may not be motivated to make this move for the slight gain from over-the-hill running back to never-was running back.

Trade For: Tony Romo’s latest romantic conquest
Pros: If Terrell Owens can prosper here, then so can Ricky Williams.
Cons: Nate Newton may still live in the area.

Trade For: A sliver of Mike Shanahan’s ample ego
Pros: Will help lift Miami’s spirits even as they plumb the depths of ineptitude.
Cons: Williams may become discouraged once he learns the exact meaning of Rocky Mountain High.

Trade For: Defensive coach Joe Cullen
Pros: Cullen’s pantsless drive-through approach is probably weirding out John Kitna, who could also help Ricky to find religion and turn his life around.
Cons: There’s a risk that Cullen could keep Miami’s opponents to under 25 points per game, thus jeopardizing their shot at 0-16.

Green Bay
Trade For: Access to Brett Favre’s reyouthanator.
Pros: After spending some time in Favre’s reyouthanator, Dan Marino will be ready for another NFL season.
Cons: Even with Marino the Dolphins would be 20 players short of a decent college football team.

Trade For: Mario Williams
Pros: Would finally achieve the secret desire of every Texans fans: Mario Williams for a running back. No new jersey required, either!
Cons: Similar problems to Arizona.

Trade For: The curse of Mono Tiki Tia, which has decimated their season with injuries
Pros: The voodoo curse that has seized the Colts the last two weeks will only be broken by a skilled spiritualist like Ricky Williams.
Cons: It is unclear how Miami’s curse and the Indianapolis curse would interact; the resulting vortex of injurious incompetence might destroy Southern Florida as we know it.

Trade For: John Carney (kicker)
Pros: Do you really want a guy named “Carney” on your team?
Cons: Jacksonville likes to play just at the level of their opponent, which might be difficult if they’re facing a top-notch running back.

Kansas City
Trade For: The Kansas City Chief, who will henceforth be riding a Dolphin to make the scariest mascot combo in the sports universe.
Pros: It’s hard to get into any trouble in Kansas.
Cons: Kansas is really, really, really boring.

Trade For: Fred Smoot’s little black book
Pros: Dolphins players need aid and comfort wherever they can find them, and there’s plenty of warm water in the vicinity to go boating.
Cons: At the rate Minnesota is going through running backs, Williams will be on IR before he’s two games into his new career.

New England
Trade For: 100x magnification secret hoodie camera
Pros: New England has a good track record of reforming players with past disciplinary and attitude problems.
Cons: Putting Williams and Randy Moss together might lead to the Patriots’ season going up in smoke.

New Orleans
Trade For: Reggie Bush
Pros: The last time somebody picked Williams over Bush, it didn’t turn out so bad.
Cons: This pairing didn’t work out so well the first time.

NY Giants
Trade For: Michael Strahan
Pros: This would help Strahan go to a more low-profile environment as he recovers from his painful divorce.
Cons: If a firm marriage like the Strahans couldn’t make it in New York, how are Ricky Williams and Mike Ditka going to make it last there?

NY Jets
Trade For: Chad Pennington’s surgeon
Pros: After playing New England twice, Miami will desperately need doctor.
Cons: Since the Jets play in New Jersey but are called New York, you can imagine that it’ll be difficult for Williams to figure out just exactly where to go on game day.

Trade For: JaMarcus Russell
Pros: As long as the Raiders aren’t going to develop their QB of the future, he might as well not develop in Miami.
Cons: The last weed-smoking bad boy the Raiders took a chance on didn’t pan out so well with them. But on the upside, Williams could look forward to a massive career revival when he left the Raiders.

Trade For: Donovan McNabb
Pros: There’s no backup QB to threaten McNabb in Miami the way there is in Philadelphia. Plus, the weather is much nicer in Miami.
Cons: Williams may not be mobile enough to satisfy the local Philadelphia NAACP.

Trade For: Ben Roethlisberger’s motorcycle helmet (practically unused!)
Pros: The Steelers really need a running back to step in and fill Jerome Bettis’ place.
Cons: It’s really, really cold in Pittsburgh, and their baseball team is terrible.

San Diego
Trade For: Chargers coach Norv Turner
Pros: I’m sure that Miami coach Cam Cameron is a nice guy and all, but do you really trust him with the difficult task of going unwon? If ever a coaching job called for the singular incompetence of Norv Turner, it was this one.
Cons: San Diego allegedly has a pretty good running back, although there’s been scant evidence of that this year.

San Francisco
Trade For: Joe Montana’s jock strap
Pros: This is one item that none of the current 49ers players are worthy to carry anyways.
Cons: Neither are any of the Dolphins players.

Trade For: Shaun Alexander
Pros: Big step up for Seattle.
Cons: Big step down for Miami, even if Ricky Williams is already burned out.

St. Louis
Trade For: Crumpled papers from under Mike Martz’ old office couch
Pros: No matter what’s written on those papers, they detail a better offensive scheme than the one employed by the Dolphins.
Cons: The Dolphins don’t nearly have the personnel to carry out the schematics outlined on the papers.

Tampa Bay
Trade For: Ronde Barber
Pros: Barber will bolster the Dolphins defense, and help shore up Tampa Bay’s running back problems.
Cons: Tiki Barber might be moved to come out of retirement to keep his brother from having a Super Bowl ring AND a winless season, thus making Ronde able to top Tiki when telling war stories at family reunions.

Trade For: Diagrams of the Music City Miracle play.
Pros: Will give the Dolphins offense at least one forward pass in their playbook.
Cons: In order for a forward pass to work, you need a quarterback.

Trade For: Owner Daniel Snyder
Pros: Going winless couldn’t happen to a nicer guy than Snyder.
Cons: I don’t know who owns the Dolphins, but he certainly doesn’t deserve to be saddled with the Redskins.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

CSI: John Kerry

John Kerry has vowed to disprove the Swiftboat Veterans for Truth claims once and for all, thus proving his fitness for presidency without a doubt. Once he has accomplished this daunting task, the investigative whirlwind will spring into action and solve several other crimes that have plagued the American conciousness for almost a century.

Kerry indicated that he will turn his uniqe crime solving-style, which he described as "a mix of Columbo and Batman" onto such diverse topics as:

Finding the REAL killers. While he expects some impediments from memorabilia fanatics, Kerry is confident that within five to ten years he can turn up some solid leads that could, perhaps, finally unlock the case that ripped the nation apart. He will begin his search for evidence in Cambodia, where he has many contacts, and continue on until it's solved.

The Marilyn Monroe suicide. Does anybody really still believe that Monroe committed suicide or simply overdosed? She was of course killed by the FBI, CIA, or some other secretive government organization (the same ones that brag to the press like drunken frat boys), using the ever-popular Untraceable Poison Enema (UPE). Why? Because she knew the inside story of the Kennedy assassination and was having an affair with Bobby Kennedy, that's why.

Finding the Lindbergh Baby. Although the cranky old man pictured here claims to be the Lindbergh baby, it seems unlikely. Most experts suspect that the baby, aged 75 now, is either Warren Buffet or, more likely, Harry Reid, because he cries all the time.

Solving the mystery of Jack the Ripper. Kerry has already indicated that his suspicions center on two sinister Republican figures with access to a time machine: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. "Rove's got motive and opportunity, because he likes to cut the hearts out of things," Kerry said. "At least, his smear job cut the heart out of my campaign." Kerry said this was probably his #1 job after he'd totally discredited the Swiftboat Veterans.

The dastardly villain behind New Coke, which Kerry said "shook American consumer confidence for two decades and ultimately destroyed our economy beyond repair, which we're seeing today." He said that he intended to head a blue ribbon panel investigating the twenty-year recession kicked off by the product, which has shown no signs of abating "other than a seven-year upswing during the last Democratic Administration."

Restaurant Review: Planet Hollywood

If you’ve ever got some time to kill and you’re dying to receive halfassed service from surly layabouts, I urge you to go to Planet Hollywood. It’s almost as tasty as McDonald’s, at four times the price, at a speed somewhere between Retired Sloth and Glacial.

And clean? Let me tell you, the plates and tables are so clean that you can almost eat off of them. Now, there is a small cleanliness issue with the restrooms, as I’m fairly certain that my wife caught Ebola when she took a whiz in there. Her advice is that if you must eat in Planet Hollywood, just piss your pants. It’s ultimately more hygienic for everyone involved.

The music is loud. Well, not so much loud as it is deafening. My daughter was shouting at me from across the table and I couldn’t make out a word she said. Turns out she was saying “I want to leave!” I just smiled like a moron and nodded, which is why she hates me now.

The food? Forget about it. Literally. Far from having exotic, movie-inspired names, it’s standard Applebee’s-type fare with unimaginative names poorly prepared and served with all the originality of your average Fall TV lineup. As an added bonus, everything is soaked in (and thus tastes like) grease, just to help lubricate the diarrhea that will be shooting through your intestines in a few hours. As an example, ‘Pizza’ is code for ‘tomato sauce on a slice of bread.’

But everybody knows you don’t go to Planet Hollywood for the food, the service, the atmosphere, or for any other reason. You go to see actual props used in Hollywood films. Like the shirt worn by Tom Cruise’s dad in Risky Business or the head of the monster from Hellraiser Part 4: Hellraising Direct to Video. Yes, unforgettable pieces of inspiring classics.

Well, in this Planet Hollywood there was something which perfectly captured the spirit of the true Planet Hollywood dining experience. I took a picture, because I couldn’t imagine my good fortune:
Yes, that’s right: it’s Barbarella’s publicity rifle. Only, it wasn’t there. It’d been taken down (as you can see by the frayed wires in the picture). So it was just a picture of Barbarella. And not even one of the good ones, like this one:

(I never miss a chance to stick in a Barbarella picture)

One final Planet Hollywood memory: my son’s defense against the whole thing was to refuse to eat anything and simply fall asleep on his bread pizza, hoping that one of us would take pity on him, wipe the corrosive tomato sauce off before it scarred him for life, and carry him out of the restaurant and home.

I’ll be darned if it didn’t work, and thus give me a new appreciation for his genius.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Astronomer: Monster Zero Arriving for Christmas

British astrophysicist Corbyn Piers today warned that the recent expansion of Comet Holmes' coma indicates that the final phase of Monster Zero's arrival on Earth. Dr. Piers, speaking from his laboratory in London, said that he'd been expecting something like this from Holmes for some time.

"Since it hails from the Gamma Quadrant of the Milky Way, we always knew there was a chance it contained hostile giant monsters," he said in a telephone interview Friday. "But it wasn't until the coma fanned out, allowing the sinister inhabitants of Planet X, the Xiians, to send forward Monster Zero's stasis chamber, that I knew we were in serious danger. Monster Zero will be here shortly, and his three-headed lightning attack will be nigh-unstoppable. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but unless Mothra can bring both Godzilla and Rodan into battle against this terrible threat, we are certainly doomed."

Other scientists were more skeptical of the findings. "So some giant comet has a giant coma," said W.R. "Tex" Redmond of the New Hampshire Astronomical Society. "That's hardly means there's a three-headed lightning creature streaking through space towards us. Personally, I'm a lot more concerned about the tail of the comet turning everyone who's not protected by six inches of lead into a mindless zombie, feasting on the flesh of the living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare. I'm advising all my friends and neighbors to sleep in the basement and keep a shotgun handy."

The IPGM issued a statement on the comet earlier this week, saying that it "was due to the rapidly accelerating risk of GMA that currently threatens Earth as we know it, and which is now well past the point of alleviation." They recommended immediate confiscatory taxes be placed on any and all businesses which raise the chance of GMA, such as lawn care, grave-digging, or mail-order bride marketing.

Dr. Piers said that Monster Zero would probably arrive on Christmas day, "blasting down Earth's chimney like Santa in a slasher movie." He predicted the utter collapse of civilization, the futility of armed resistance, and the ultimate destruction of the planet after the sinister Xiians have harvested Earth's resources.
"I certainly hope Godzilla is waking up under Lake Yellowstone," said Piers. "God knows we need him."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Spitzer Prepares for 2012 Democratic Nomination

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, seeking to get ahead of potential adversaries for the 2012 Democratic Presidential nomination, has begun reversing himself on policies at breakneck speed the past few days. After initiating, then supporting, then abandoning his plan for granting drivers’ licenses to illegal immigrants, Spitzer has now proposed and reversed on an internet tax on and other online retailers.

Highly-placed aides to Spitzer indicate that in the coming weeks he will propose-and-reverse on a plethora of issues that are dear to voters, including:

  • Increasing school funding by requiring cheerleaders in high school to participate in lingerie calendar photo shoots with proceeds going to the local school boards. He will defend the proposal by saying that “it’s no different than a bake sale, and since cheerleaders are slutty and will be prancing around in lingerie anyways, if you don’t like the idea you’re a prude.” He will reverse on this issue in a few hours, declaring “never mind” and saying the whole thing was just a joke anyways.

  • Withdrawing the New York national guard from all units participating in Iraq, on the grounds that they are New Yorkers first and members of the armed services second. Spitzer will crumble on this issue almost immediately, declaring that he “supports the troops” and is only thinking of their welfare. Spitzer will call opponents to the plan “short-sighted, narrow-minded isolationists.”

  • Requiring all bloggers to get the “New York seal of approval” and Content Rating to be exhibited in computers in New York. Spitzer will announce this during a state visit to China, which he will say has inspired him to take a “closer control of the vitriol that spills into the minds of impressionable youngsters.” He will not see a first amendment issue with this, but the staggering cost of implementation will dampen his enthusiasm for the plan. He will propose a 400-dollar-per-pack cigarette tax, but when it fails he will eventually say that “the wild west mentality of the Internet wins again.”

  • Mandating the use of “Xmas” in place of “Christmas” in order to prevent offending non-Christians during the holiday season. Spitzer will initially defend the proposal by calling opponents “bigoted religionists” but soon back down, saying that “popular culture should decide public nomenclature.”

  • Requiring all New Yorkers to wear nametags to make the state friendlier. The initial proposal will be for state-issued IDs usable in place of typical ID in every situation, followed by reducing it to monogrammed clothing, then simple sticker-type nametags like you find at an AA meeting, and final admission that the current standard of New York greeting (the middle finger) is more natural for citizenry anyways.

  • Free public housing for illegal immigrants, on the grounds that “we don’t want them roaming the streets.” Public outcry over this will prompt Spitzer to call New Yorkers “uneducated anti-immigrant hicks” but he will eventually declare the program dead because “the voters don’t understand what’s really good for them.”

  • Invading Canada and seizing the “good part of Niagara Falls.” While this will gain popular support, Spitzer will quickly abandon it because he doesn’t have enough troops to conquer Canada because they’re all tied up in Iraq. It is possible that a commando strike by 55 motivated seniors may conquer Canada anyways, though, thus giving him plausible deniability and the good part of Niagara Falls.

  • Using state police and investigators to harass, intimidate, and silence political opponents. Technically this is an ongoing process that he has yet to reverse on, so the aide said that he may continue this for several more years “in order to emulate Hillary Clinton.”

EU Anti-Monster Parties Criticize Progress

Several leading EU anti-monster parties criticized local governments’ progress on monster abatement schemes, saying that they provided “political cover for governments dedicated to doing nothing” and represented no real protection against the threat of Giant Monster Attack (GMA).

Hans Uberschrotter, leader of the German anti-GMA party Stoppen Zie Monsterenn, said that almost every EU nation would fall short of its obligations under the 1996 Kong Pact. “We are very disappointed that EU governments seem to be putting other priorities like education and health care ahead of something which can, in the blink of an eye, end civilization as we know it. The only member nation on target to meet their obligation is Finland, where their Flying Reindeer Defense System provides them with at least an early warning system against GMA.”

Some EU Parliament members were outraged at the lack of progress on Kong Pact targets. Genevive Fornicaria, of the EU anti-GMA party Gettem!, said that “The only trial system in development uses ten-foot orangutans. That’s impressive for an orangutan, but it’s really not even a snack for one of these hundred-foot-tall behemoths that we’re expecting to wake up any day now. Abatement offsets don’t work, either, no matter how many giant fire-breathing pandas China says they have in development. For any abatement system to work, it must have accountability and giant silverback gorillas.”

Some analysts said that the lack of US support for the Kong Pact has doomed its success among European nations, and that President Bush’s position on GMA has set back progress on novel systems for monster control and abatement. They hoped that in 2008 a new president would be able to take a more realistic approach to the issue.

Rusty Fitzsimmons, economic analyst for FisherWaterhousePriceCoopers, said that the economic outlook for Europe is not good. “In 2008 companies will begin paying their Monster Offsets, and at the present time a lot of the impacted industries are going to see a 10 to 15% rise in costs that will be difficult to pass along to consumers. The most heavily hit industries will be construction, prostitution, and rental clowns, because studies show that these are likely industries to generate GMA. So we’re seeing stagnant economic growth for the next 10 years as companies work out the trading schemes and try to recover from this additional cost.”

US former presidential candidate and presumed late entry into the 2008 race John K. Mondale, in the UK to pick up a Booker Prize for the novelization of his film, An Uninvited Guest, said that he hoped the EU member nations could do a better job of meeting their targets. “America has always looked to Europe to be a leader in issues of morals and ethics, and this is no different. As Europe goes, so goes the West, and I look forward to the day when hundreds of giant gorillas guard Europe against a tide of radioactive monsters and serve as an inspiration for countries around the world, including the United States.”

Mondale refused to answer questions about whether or not he would enter the presidential race, saying only that “My current role as a promoter of anti-GMA is far more valuable than a simple political office. It’s my quest to educate and enlighten people about this menace to society.”