Friday, November 9, 2007

Vast Conspiracy Strikes Again

Not content to simply ruin Iraq, rig elections, and spy on Ross Perot's daughter's wedding, now the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy has begun rigging primaries as well.

How else can we explain the suspicious stories suddenly plaguing the otherwise unstoppable juggernaut that is the Hillary Clinton campaign? Are we to believe that some low-ranking Maid-Rite waitress (named, suspiciously enough, Esterday, as if she sprung like Athena from the mind of some religious nutter) really didn't receive a tip from the most munificent candidate ever to walk this country?

Of course Hillary Clinton left a tip. All good people know that either she left a tip directly, or her staffer left a $100 bill (of course the standard currency of tips, the Ben Franklin), or it was put on the credit card, like 99% of diner tips, or those other jealous harpies at the restaurant pocketed it and didn't give the waitress her fair share. After all, $100 is double the tax on a bill of $157, right? It's all clearly just a simple misunderstanding, as the story makes abundantly clear.

But a far more likely (and sinister) explanation is that this so-called 'waitress' is just a lying plant put there to derail Hillary. Consider other, more nefarious ongoings over the past few weeks of the campaign:

And are we really to believe that John Edwards, whose wife is gravely ill with cancer (not that they're using it as a campaign ploy), fooled around with a staffer? Especially when his wife is such a wonderful human being, even though she's gravely ill with cancer. John Edwards is an upstanding pillar of the community, who bravely forges on with his bid to make America a more humane place, even though it tears him apart that he can't be with his wife, who is gravely ill with cancer.

Barack Obama didn't send a letter he promised to send? More like the conspiracy, which of course controls the US Post Office, redirected the letter in order to enrage his constituents, which apparently has a large portion of irrational people who expect that someone campaigning for president has time to send them personal correspondence. And be sure to watch your inbox for signs that you've won the e-mail lottery giveaway.

The conspiracy is so deep that it has convinced Osama bin Laden to take responsibility for 9/11, when all right-thinking persons (such as Ron Paul) know that it was controlled demolition by the American Society of Podiatrists that brought down the twin towers. But they smear Paul by making him look irrational in order to provide excuses for their ongoing war against the moderate, civilized, middle east.

And last, but certainly not least, the conspiracy has arranged for Pat Robertson to endorse Rudy Giuliani, the 'Madden' cover-jinx of political endorsements.

What does the conspiracy want? They want a Chris Dodd-Mitt Romney election. Dodd's lack of charisma and Romney's weird Mormonism will drive voters to the dark-horse candidate they've been grooming for years, public-safety 'expert' Ralph Nader, who will immediately plunge the country into a new Dark Ages.

Thus paving the way for a tyrannical Jeb Bush administration in 2012 that will cut taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule the US like a king.