“The threat is far worse than we feared even a week ago,” said Johann VanPasterbutter, European Head of the IPGM. “The finding of a pincer from these Giant Scorpions means that they’re massing somewhere in the Black Forest in preparation for a massive attack on the German people. We’re recommending an immediate evacuation of Germany and carpet-bombing the country in hopes of destroying the scorpions before they do too much damage. It’s the only thing we can do to avoid too much loss of life.”
The last time a Giant Scorpion attack was documented was in 1981 when two Giant Scorpions attacked a group of medieval re-enactors in Greece, killing three and severely wounding several others. They were only driven away by the combined efforts of Harry Hamlin, who was there on vacation, and a prototype mecha-Rodan called BUBO.
Only the quick action of Harry Hamlin prevented tragedy 25 years ago
Hans Uberschrotter, of the German anti-monster party Stoppen zie Monsterenn, said that the threat was far greater this time. “The claw that was found in the quarry was made of stone, indicating that they have evolved a much tougher carapace than your typical arachnid. Bullets will be useless against them, so it is imperative that we flee from this mindless terror before we find ourselves sliced in half by their implacable pincers.”
Angela Merkel issued a State of Emergency Wednesday morning and had some pointed words for her American counterpart. “If we had a hundred-foot tall monkey near Berlin this wouldn’t be a problem, because in the wild it is well-known that gorillas love a good scorpion snack, eating ten or twenty just as an appetizer. Instead, we have to hope and pray that these stone scorpions are instead satisfied at merely conquering Germany and don’t have designs on the rest of the world as well.”