Values Voters Decide to Destroy Republican Party to Save It

So-called Christian Conservatives today declared that their intention was to “destroy the Republican party in order to save it” by supporting unelectable candidates or staying home. Though they acknowledged the strategy may lead to short-term descent into depravity, they said that they were taking a long-term view of the program.

Chuck Darling, head of the Values Coalition, said that for values voters the current crop of GOP candidates were all insufficient in one way or another, from being too pro-government to not pro-life enough. So the group has decided it is time to take action to improve its hold on the GOP.

He said that “When we saw the impact that the fringe left had on the Democratic party by going completely insane, we knew there was an opportunity for a similar transformation here in the Republican party. So we’re going to tear the party apart, lose the presidency, and cost the GOP several seats in Congress for the good of the party. After that all will be well, right?”

Lefty McLiberal, head of the non-partisan think-tank Progressive Thought Machine, said she felt that the idea was a good one. “If you look at the enormous influence that the moonbat coalition has had on the platform of the Democratic Party, and the correlation of that influence to electoral success, you’ll realize that values voters must tear apart the GOP for the same result. That’s why we’re encouraging them to boycott the 2008 election, to really make their voices heard.”

“I think it’s a terrible idea,” Incompetent pollster Zigby said. “In poll after poll the self-identified values voter says he wants anybody but Hillary Clinton. By sitting it out, they’re guaranteeing her the presidency. What are these people smoking?”

“What does Zigby know?” retorted Darling. “Their last ten polls have been totally unreliable. They’ve got Mike Huckabee leading Iowa, for heaven’s sakes! We’re going to cause a party schism, and that’s final.”