Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Through the Looking Glass

While others waste their time conspiracy-mongering about the Obama birth certificate, a great and hideous cabal works its nefarious will to alter the United States in ways we cannot possibly imagine, spearheaded by the Republican arch villain Karl Rove.

I speak, of course, about the ongoing efforts to sell southern California to China, which is happening under our noses and with the express written consent of the NFL.

When I tell people about this conspiracy, they inevitably pass through three phases: disbelief, followed by ridicule, and finally spittle-flecked outrage at this plan.

Read on and prepare your salivary glands, my friends.

Here are the facts:

California is impoverished, and is in fact paying bills by sending misspelled IOUs written on used cocktail napkins that have been coated in the Ebola virus in an attempt to either discredit or slay their creditors.

California’s Republican governor is a foreigner famous for having come from a communist country in the east.

The US is deeply indebted to China, and is taking on more and more debt every day to fund Obama’s lavish plans to socialize everything from health care to underwear (or didn’t you read the Boxer-Reid bill ‘Fruit of the Loom Relief Act of 2009’?).

Sarah Palin is doing everything in her power (faking pregnancies, resigning as governor, and even giving lapdances to Bigfeet) in an attempt to draw public attention northwards on orders of her Rovian master.

Obama is a lousy sportsman and has long harbored an intense disdain for surfing, ever since a group of surfers beat him up in junior high school, which is why he encouraged North Korea to nuke his home state of Hawaii (plot only foiled by the timely intervention of Kim Jong-Il’s bout of Explosive Flatulence). With southern Cal out of the way, there will be no surfing enclaves left.

No NFL teams of note reside in southern California, and the NFL is desperate to go global despite the obvious barriers to playing football outside of the US, most notably the rampant mental deficiencies in other cultures that make them enjoy soccer (which is erroneously translated as football in most other languages).

Obama’s secretary of state has close contacts with numerous Chinese officials and previously helped sell them other important US landmarks, such as the White House.

The Chinese recently toured Southern California with a torch to check it out, not unlike a prospective homeowner looking in the crawl space of a property with a flashlight. Before you scoff, remember that in many third-world countries a torch is just like a flashlight, and San Francisco is very much like a crawl space, only it smells worse.

At this point, as the spittle collects in the corner of your mouth, you might be wondering why Karl Rove wants to carve Chinafornia out of the southernmost part of the Golden State. The reason is quite simple: to create a permanent Republican majority. With those leftists gathered on the southern part of the state now getting what they deserve (re: communist enslavement), the northern part of the state will swing right and suddenly the guaranteed 55 Electoral College votes for the Democrats will disappear.

Illegal immigrants from Mexico will now be China’s problem, not ours. China will likely handle them in the respectful, humane way that they handle other problems, which will satisfy Rove’s dark thirst for blood.

Even the Democrats gain something, which is why they are supporting this vile effort: they’ll be rid of Nancy Pelosi.