Monday, March 31, 2008

Pizza Hut Changes Policy Following Shooting

Pizza Hut today announced that it was changing its corporate policy regarding carrying weapons after a deliveryman shot a robber in Des Moines last week. Pizza Hut said that the rules changes were necessary “to protect the health and well-being of footpads and thugs everywhere.”

“We already had a no-guns policy, but it apparently hasn’t been enough to deter some drivers from trying to protect themselves. We never want to have this kind of situation occur again,” said a company spokesman. “Lowlife creeps should be sure that they can rob and harass our drivers with no fear of retribution.”

In addition to uniforms, the new company policy requires that all drivers have the following items on them while making deliveries:

Thermal bag to keep pizza warm.

See-through plastic bag to keep money in

Set of dog tags for identification of bullet-riddled bodies.

Piece of chalk as part of Pizza Hut’s continuing commitment to building stronger bonds with local law enforcement, who often forget their own chalk and have to outline the body in tape.

Remember: At Pizza Hut, we want our employees to be in the picture!

ESPN isn’t biased...

It’s just that the teams in the west suck really bad. At least, that’s the impression I’m left with after reading their predictions for the upcoming baseball season.

First of all, a small historical note: in the last 8 years, every division has won the World Series at least once.

Re-read that again: every division, even the woeful AL West (Anaheim Angels, 2002), has won the World Series at least once since 2000.

That’s parity the NFL can only envy since 2000, where the AFC North and East have combined to win 5 of the last 9 superbowls , and two divisions haven’t won since the late 90’s.

ESPN’s got a lot of confidence that the Central and East divisions are where it’s at this year in baseball, with 89% of the experts picking the World Series winner to come from one of those divisions.

Even more glaring is the section on individual awards: 53% of the MVP/Cy Young/Rookie of the Year voting goes to players from the East, 49% goes to players from the Central, and a scant 8% from players in the West.

But I guess that explains why so few experts predict the World Series winner to come from the West: those guys are seriously amateur out there.

Democrats argue over best failure method

So the Democrats are considering the following methods of killing their chances in the general election:

Seppuku: Obama/Anybody, where Obama has to pit his thin resume and commitment to “a different kind of politics” against a guy who was two decades in government and a reputation for telling people what they don’t want to hear. With added bonus of angry Clintonian maneuvering behind the scenes to make people pay for turning on her.

But at least they’ll save face going this route.

Autoerotic Asphyxiation: Clinton/Obama. Sure, this seems like a good idea at the time, but do they really want all of Clinton’s scandals biting them in the ass while McCain’s partisans are hammering them that Obama’s just an empty suit and also implying that the Democrats are demeaning blacks by denying him the top spot?

I’m guessing they don’t.

Darwin-Award Winning Stupidity: Clinton/Anybody. This has all the problems of Clinton/Obama, with none of the advantages, and makes it totally unnecessary for McCain’s partisans to point out to blacks that they’ve been screwed by the party they’ve loyally supported for about 40 years.

But at least it makes an interesting failure test case for generations of political science students to study.

Immolation: Gore/Anybody, where the only thing that Gore brings to the ticket is a Powerpoint that McCain nods along to. Oh, and massive hypocrisy and the stink of failure. Don’t forget those, which are of dubious value in a general election.

If this is the option I foresee glass sales spiking in the greater Denver metro area to replace all the smashed windows following the announcement.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Jimmy Carter to Monitor Democratic Convention

Former US President Jimmy Carter announced today that The Carter Center will monitor the upcoming US Democratic Convention in Denver to ensure that it “conforms to all international standards of transparency and fairness.”

Cater said in a statement that “In addition to increasingly racist and misogynistic statements coming from the two candidates, it’s clear that there’s a pattern of intimidation and false accusation against the actual voters in the election, the so-called Superdelegates. An outside party, probably the Republicans led by sinister warlord John McCain, is seeking to unduly influence selection of the Democratic candidate for president.”

Particularly disturbing for Carter is the recent indictment of several Philadelphia and Puerto Rican superdelegates on what Carter says are “vastly conflated charges of wrongdoing.”

Carter said the move was particularly necessary in light of a rash of bribery and sex scandals against other superdelegates. “After the catastrophic elections in 2000 and 2004, America cannot afford to have another president chosen by smoky back-room deals,” Carter said. “Whoever gets the Democratic nomination will likely win the presidency, because George Bush has driven the country to ruin at the behest of his Israeli masters.”

Carter added that “as a single-term president, I am available to fill a second term as a sort of unity candidate able to promote peace and healing, and my credentials do include a Nobel Peace Prize and several other humanitarian awards.”

NFL 2013 Draft

It’s the time of year when everybody and their grandma issues mock drafts. Well, except Barack Obama’s grandma, who is more likely issuing restraining orders or angry letters.

Anyway, I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to give you the ultimate insider’s view of the NFL draft: the 2013 draft. Not only am I plugged in to high-school football, I have advanced computer models. And if a computer said it, it must be true.

The 2012 record is in parenthesis.

Miami (1-15): Tadd Hapscott, QB, Notre Dame. Having seen the poise, presence, and gravity-defying way that Brady Quinn carried the clipboard in Cleveland the past six seasons, Miami is desperate to finally resolve their QB crises that has persisted since the departure of Dan Marino.

Oakland (1-14-1): Mino Taur, RB, LSU. The 5’8” 1052-lb Taur will give the Raiders a desperately-needed RB, since they had had an NFL-record 44 tries from 2 yards or less that they failed to convert. However, Taur has been plagued by rumors that he is actually a small bull in a helmet, and the NFL announced he must pass a “Species Test” before they will certify him to play.

Detroit (2-14): Cud Foley, WR, Nebraska. Even though Nebraska has used the T-Wing since 2011, latter-day Rasputin Matt Millen is sure that Foley is the missing link in his fifteen-year, WR-based rebuilding plan.

Arizona (3-13): Ricky Williams, Guru, Calcutta State (India). Since Williams never really had any impact in the pros, his eligibility has been reset after becoming a certified Guru from Calcutta State. The Cardinals are hoping he can exorcise their demons and help them finally reach 5 wins this decade.

New England (acquired via trade from San Francisco for Scott Pioli’s DNA and a bag of marbles): John Q. Smith, position unknown, Nondescript State University. Though concerns persist that Bill Bellicheck’s withdrawal to an isolated hotel room in Las Vegas will hurt team focus, it is sure that New England will once again take a player nobody ever heard of and make him a star.

Cincinnati (4-12): The entire graduating class of Harvard Law. Having forfeited six games in 2012 because too many players were suspended to field a team, Cincinnati is hoping that this will get their players out of court and onto the field. Salary cap room may be a concern, however.

Washington (5-11): NMSU observatory refractory mirror, NMSU. Daniel Snyder saw the mirror while on a tour and said that “he’s the most handsome guy coming out of the draft this year.”

Cleveland (5-11): Carlos Vincenzo, WR, UCLA. Despite seven consecutive pro bowl appearances, fans are still calling for Derek Anderson to be replaced by Brady Quinn at QB. Vincenzo will be a valuable deep threat for Anderson, which was sorely lacking in last year’s WR corps.

Baltimore (6-10): Pheekus “Slim” Whitman, QB, Arkansas. Despite going 2-9 last year, everyone says that Whitman is a can’t-miss prospect, so Baltimore will snap him up here to avoid having to pay less for him when he will surely be available later in the draft.

NY Jets (6-10): Jack Bauer, agent, FBI. Convinced that their stadium is rigged with electronic monitoring devices by the hated Patriots, whom they have not beaten for four seasons, the Jets are hoping Bauer can find the devices within 24 hours and save the world, their season, and some woman with heaving bosoms.

Chicago (7-9): Craig Spurrier, QB, USC. In addition to getting a polished QB, the Bears are hoping to lure his famous father out of retirement to be their head coach as well.

Los Angeles Starzz (7-9 as Buffalo Bills in 2012): Paris Spears, K, Hollywood Hills Community College. In their inaugural season the Starzz are determined to change the way the NFL does business, from their all-transvestite offensive line to their powder blue uniforms. Their draft strategy is also daring, as they will take Paris Spears, the hideous creature that was created during an accident on the Fox reality show “Britney and Paris go to Chernobyl!”

St. Louis (7-9): Doyle Grange, RB, Georgia. Grange is part of the makeover of the Rams’ offense from pass-centric to a more balanced attack (5% run, 95% passing).

Jacksonville (8-8): Avery McAverage, Utility Infielder, State U. This move helps cement Jacksonville’s status as your average NFL team. Word is that, in violation of the tampering rules, they’ve already given him an average salary offer.

Kansas City (8-8): Phillip “Hooligan” Reid, DE, Miami. Part of Herm Edwards’ continued “character development” program. Reid has been plagued in the past by drug arrests, murder indictments, assault, and charges of illegal transportation of a mallard, but he has gone at least three months without a new arrest while being in held in solitary confinement at the U. Miami coach Ralph Thuggerson said that Reid is misunderstood and is actually “very sensitive.”

Orlando Mice (8-8): J.K. Rowling, Author, North Anglican Scrivener’s University. In their second season since relocating from Tampa Bay, the Mice will draft prolific author and rightsholder J.K. Rowling, hoping to bastardize her literary work for cheap Disney cartoons for years to come.

Carolina (8-8): Russ Minuoue, DT, Hawaii. The 6’ 10”, 642-lb defensive lineman will add some heft to the league’s smallest line, which weighed in at a petite 580 lbs last season.

Pittsburgh (8-8): Rock Cartrwright, QB, Boston College. Chin of granite, arms of iron, heart of stone, and ACL of spaghetti, Cartrwright is a major risk after missing all four years in college due to injury.

Tennessee (9-7): Dr. Mike Cody, CEO, Lenscrafters. Cody has publicly stated that he hopes to help out the “obvious visual problems in Tennessee for fans that still insist the Music City Miracle was a lateral.”

Atlanta (9-7): Mike Vick, QB, US Federal Prison System. Vick played well for the Falcons in his first return before being arrested for running an illegal goldfish-eating operation behind his house on Aerator Road. They just hope he doesn’t get arrested in January again, like he did in 2012, costing them a Superbowl.

Minnesota (9-7): Cy Sperling, not just president of Hair Club for Men, but also a client. With fans ripping their hair out season after wasted season, this seems like a natural fit.

Denver (9-6-1): Kris Ragarm, QB, Limpwrist University. Having finally regained form last season after suffering five years of futility since discovering that coach Mike Shanahan was actually a terminator from the future sent to destroy Jake Plummer, fans have to wonder if this is the right move following the “Jay Cutler” disaster of 2008.

Philadelphia (10-6): Ben Richards, Pilot, USMC. The Eagles are hoping that Richards can help clean up the mean streets of Philadelphia, or if not, at least be relied upon to utter pithy one-liners as the team collapses in on itself during is biannual “blame the other guy” stretch.

Houston (10-6): Katie Holmes, beard, Hollywood. Sadly, she may well be the manliest player on the team.

Seattle (11-5): “Pudge” Kirsky, WR, West Virginia. Year after year, Seattle loses in the playoffs despite being head-and-shoulders better than their opponents in the NFC West, which sucks. So a Big East alum should fit right in here.

New York Scandlers (11-5): Marty McFly, LT, Colgate. Since Eli Manning retired in disgrace after the sex tape between him, rap star Lil’ Ho, and Shia LeBoeuf was released, the Scandlers have been like a rudderless ship. McFly can change all that with his movie-star good looks.

San Diego Chargers (12-4): Melvin Powers, WR, Texas A&M. If the Chargers once again lose in the first round of the playoffs, it’s possible that head coach Norv Turner’s job might be in jeopardy.

Dallas Egomaniacs (12-4): Suge Knight, Mogul, Death Row Records. Ghoulish caricature Jerry Jones continues to collect castoffs and low-character players, but the results speak for themselves: two Super Bowl appearances, fifteen arrests, and the only locker room in the NFL with a stripper’s pole

New England (13-3): Photoshopped pictures of Peyton Manning with a goat, Bellicheck will have to satisfy himself by chortling over fake photos of his nemesis while wallowing in his own filth on the thirty-third floor of the MGM Grand.

Indianapolis (13-3): Kyle Brody, OT, Delaware. The Colts would really love to draft highly-touted WR Barry Gordon, but his agent, Scott Boras, is asking for the GNP of Peru in order to sign “the fastest man alive.”

New Orleans (14-2): Hans Blix, dissembler, UN. Having reached the Superbowl via their powerful defense, the Saints will likely go winless this year since they can’t have two consecutive decent seasons. They’re hoping Blix can explain to fans why that is, exactly.

Green Bay (15-1): Britt Forve, QB, Missippi Mudhole U. Even though they won the Superbowl, the Packers can’t escape the long shadow of their iconic QB from the end of the 20th century. While Forve doesn’t look the part, he did throw an NCAA-record 162 interceptions, half of them game-ending, so Cheesehead faithful have something to hope for. Also promising: Sports Illustrated columnist Peter King had to be treated for the vapors after he met Forve, and said the senior “sent feelings through me I thought were long dead.”

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Dems Sponser New DREAM Act

A group calling itself DREAM, the Democrats to Reclaim Everything America Misses, has launched an online petition seeking to draft “the perfect lineup of politicians to reclaim America’s political honor, redress old grievances, and begin to heal this country’s fractured soul.” Launched Sunday, the petition already has two million signatures from all over the country.

The DREAM ticket not only specifies the President and Vice President roles, but also spells out the cabinet that “truly reflects America and its values.”

Thomas Gordon, creator of the DREAM Petition, wrote on his website that “Americans shouldn’t have to choose between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, they should be able to have both of these deep-thinking political heavyweights governing them. The DREAM cabinet is a way to have America ruled by a group of elite philosopher-kings who will lead us into a better tomorrow.”

The Democratic DREAM Team is:

Presidential Nominee: Al Gore
“We should have had Gore as president the past 8 years, except the Supreme Court stole the office from him in 2000. Can we, as a country, afford not to right this wrong? Al Gore is the Renaissance politician that only comes along once in a century: businessman, moviemaker, soldier, and environmental activist all rolled into one. It’s long past time to recognize his greatness with the highest office in the land.”

Vice Presidential Nominee: John Kerry
“In a year where cynical Republicans run John McCain, whose only qualification to be president is having been a POW, we can easily nullify whatever perceived advantage that gives them by bringing out our own war hero, John Kerry. And Kerry’s legendary energy on the stump will only highlight his and Gore’s difference from the plodding, aged GOP ticket of statism.”

Secretary of State: Barack Obama
“It is imperative that the United States nominate an independently-minded minority in this critical post, who acts as our spokesman to the world. It is well past time to restore international respect for the US, and Obama is the only one who can do it. It will be the highest office ever held by a man of his unique background, and a necessary grooming step before his eventual election to the presidency in 2012 or 2016.”

Secretary of the Treasury: Hillary Clinton
“This critical role manages the day-to-day, nuts-and-bolts financing and governing of the United States. This has always been Clinton’s passion, even during her days as First Lady when she convened the panel to reform health care. Clinton is a clear-eyed pragmatist who will graciously accept this role as one where she can do the most good, and her indefatigable support for the top ticket will prove crucial to the margin of victory in November.”

Attorney General: John Edwards
“The finest practicing attorney in politics today is the only one who can reform the deep wounds in America’s legal system.”

Secretary of the Interior: Ralph Nader
“In other countries, the Green Party is recognized as the expert on all matters touching environmental law and policy. Shouldn’t it be that way in our own as well? Nader’s long track record as a defender of public safety makes him the only one able to move this part of our government from serving business to protecting our natural heritage for generations to come.”

Secretary of Defense: Cindy Sheehan
“It’s time to end the disgraceful parade of defense secretaries with nothing to lose. In addition to being a historic first, Ms. Sheehan would bring the unique perspective of a grieving parent to this critical role, which too often focuses on dollars and cents at the expense of the blood of our children. An outspoken critic of the Iraq war, she would quickly gain the acceptance and trust of our armed forces and the international community as she moved to end the greatest debacle since Vietnam.”

National Security Advisor: Jim McDermott
“From his earliest days working in Iraq to verify whether or not we were at risk, McDermott has shown that the security of America is his top concern. This is his reward.”

Secretary of Immigration (new position): John McCain
“It’s impossible to be wrong about everything, and McCain is definitely right on immigration. That’s why as head of Immigration, McCain can once again take up the gauntlet of getting real immigration reform passed and healing the wounds of the Hispanic community left over from the 2006 fight. Remember that the DREAM team is about healing America, not about party politics as usual.”

Head of the Department of Homeland Security: John D. Rockefeller
“With his extensive contacts among world leaders, particularly those in the Middle East, Rockefeller can immediately reach those who would do America harm.”

Director of the Office of Management and Budget: Jack Murtha
“Who knows more about the flow of money in the US than Representative Murtha? During his time in Congress, Murtha has enabled more projects to bring value to his constituents than any other Democrat.”

Ambassador to the United Nations: Bill Clinton
“Having added to his considerable international appeal abroad with numerous humanitarian missions since leaving the office of the president, Clinton is the natural choice to be our face in this vital international decision-making body.”

White House Chief of Staff: Howard Dean
“Can we afford to leave a master politician and political agent like Howard Dean out of the cabinet? We cannot. Here his skills will be best utilized to help conduct Democratic efforts like a smooth symphony, just as he has skillfully guided the party through this primary crisis the past twelve months.”

Press Secretary: Markos Moulitsas
“Is there a man alive today who understands better how to effectively reach the next generation of progressive voters than Markos Moulitsas? With a proven track record to helping reach the disenfranchised and dispossessed, he will be a valuable ally in advancing the White House’s agenda.”

What the hell?

Demi Moore lets leeches suck her blood to detoxify it. But enough about Ahston Kutcher…

Actually, that’s the least insane thing that she admits to in her beauty regimen. First, she bathes herself in turpentine.

You know what turpentine is? It’s an organic solvent that can cause damage to your lungs if inhaled, as well as harming your central nervous system. Read all about the hazards here. It’s also flammable and causes renal failure if you ingest it.

But don’t worry, Demi. It’s probably diluted. By an Austrian alternative medicine guru who wants to stick leeches on you.

Does this remind anybody else of George’s cure for tonsillitis?

I'm an eggplant!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Baseball Movie Index

Finally, baseball season has started. And thankfully without that butt-piercing, steroid-swilling, bat-throwing, foul-mouthed moron poisoning our national pasttime. Oh, wait, Clemens is still pitching for the Yankees. Never mind!

Tell me again why nobody’ll hire Barry Bonds?

Anyway, for all you baseball fans out there, here’s a movie index to tell you what kind of season you can expect from your favorite team.

AL East: Mammoth Pictures – big-budget blockbusters and proud of it
Yankees: Titanic. The most expensive team of their time, masterminded by an egomaniac, and still doomed to hit an iceberg and sink short of their goal. Consider yourselves blessed to live to bear witness to the spectacle.
Blue Jays: La Vie en Rose. Yeah, I don’t know what it means either. Nor do I know why Toronto still has a baseball team, unless it’s so MLB can get cheaper meds for their players. That, I could understand.
Red Sox: The Godfather Trilogy. In their quest to overcome the hated Yankees, they’ve turned into them. And the third Godfather movie sucked, just like the third time the Red Sox win the World Series will suck mightily as well. I hope they win 172 games in a row then choke away the World Series.
Orioles: A Beautiful Mind. Not only was John Nash way more sane than Peter Angelos, but I hear Russell Crowe swings a mean bat, too. Or at least a mean telephone.
Rays: Friday the 13th Part 10: Jason Goes to Boy Scout Camp. Just as pointless as the previous seasons, but without the thrill of being new.

AL Central: Miracle Studios. If it’s a hit, it’s a Miracle!
White Sox: 10,000 BC. Which coincidentally is the era when Ozzie Guillen formed his opinions about women, gays, and the right way to play the game.
Indians: Birth of a Nation. Come on, Cleveland, there’s a plot in the mascot graveyard next to Chief Knockahoma for Chief Wahoo. All you gotta do is throw him in.
Twins: Quiz Show. Because at least when a crooked game show fools you, you don’t get levied for a giant new tax to aggrandize a tight-fisted billionaire who sells off your best players.
Royals: Halloween 9: Michael Myers Retires. Because no matter how many fading stars and new young talent you collect, some projects are doomed to failure before they even begin.
Tigers: Thank You for Smoking. Jim Leyland: guaranteeing profits for Altria in the greater Detroit area since 2006.

AL West: Indy Movies: Doing it our way even when it fails.
Angels: Shakespeare in Love. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But a team that claims to be in two cities at once is not so sweet. I believe the residents of this region know which city the team stadium is in. Do the players?
Mariners: No Country for Old Men. The award-winning film beloved by critics that nobody sees and few fans feel passionately about.
Athletics: Sliding Doors. Is anybody besides me starting to think that the whole Moneyball thing is way oversold, Billy Beane isn’t a genius, and the A’s don’t know something about winning the World Series? Or is that a minority opinion? It sure seems like pure random chance might explain their (now long-past) successes.
Rangers: My Left Foot. Let’s just say Rangers pitchers can really empathize with a guy who doesn’t have the use of his arms. Unfortunately, so can Rangers defenders, who are used to watching the ball sail overhead.

NL East: Corporate Pictures, a division of Starched Shirt International
Braves: Raging Bull. I tell you, they could’ve been a contender. But they weren’t.
Mets: Star Wars Episodes I-III. Big budget? Check. Top stars? Check. Great expectations? Check. Inexplicable collapse when it matters? Check. Hated by fans more than Jar-Jar? You better believe that’s a check.
Phillies: Cloverfield. But are the Phillies the monster or the plucky hipsters trying to escape New York without being killed? Trick question! Of course they’re the Statue of Liberty.
Marlins: 300. How can a team that knows it’ll be cut to pieces at season’s end win the World Series over and over again? No, really, this fascinates me. They know they’ll be chopped up like a neighbor at Hannibal Lecter’s dinner party, but they still beat teams with twice the payroll. How do they do it?
Nationals: Child’s Play 12: Bride of Chucky Returns for Vengeance. You know why congress is so up-in-arms about baseball steroids? Because they’ve been going to Nationals games and haven’t seen any evidence of them from the home team.

NL Central: Blue Collar Films: Beer, Babes, and Brawls
Cardinals: All the Right Moves. When I was nine our hippie neighbors took my older brother, me, and their three children to this movie. Afterwards we accidentally left the 7-year-old behind at the theater because we were all in a daze after seeing Lea Thompson’s tits. She was the first naked woman I had ever seen, and I knew from that moment on that I was firmly heterosexual despite Tom Cruise’s best efforts waving his little dingle at me. What does this have to do with the Cardinals? Nothing; I just wanted an excuse to tell that anecdote.
Brewers: 2 Fast 2 Furious 2. They still play baseball in Milwaukee? Get out! I thought they just had sausage races and cheep beer.
Reds: In the Valley of Elah. Just like the obligatory Hollywood anti-war movie, the Reds are essentially unwatchable. And also like the obligatory Hollywood anti-war movie gets an Oscar nod, they are guaranteed an all-star. Nobody said life was fair.
Cubs: Basic Instinct. If any team is preparing to stab their beloved fans to death with an ice pick, it’s this one.
Astros: Dumb and Dumberer. I know it saves a syllable when sportscasters say stros instead of ass-troes. But it makes them sound like ass-hoes when they do it. And not ho in the “Elliot Spitzer jonesing for one in detox” way, but in the “I hope you fall in one and never climb back out way” way.
Pirates: Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in Space. To get people to buy Pirates tickets, you can’t just kiss the Blarney stone; you have to take a Blarney enema.

NL West: Arthouse Crap: because you only watch to score with goth chicks
Rockies: Lady in the Water. You know how every M. Knight Shamalyan film has the stupid twist ending that makes you want to hunt him down and give him a wedgie until he refunds your money for wasting your time? I’m sure Rockies fans felt that way after the World Series.
Diamondbacks: The Mummy. The ancient curse once again rears his ugly head and takes aim at all that is dear to you. Yes, Randy Johnson was aiming at your crotch.
Giants: Waiting for Godot. Baseball season is interminably long, they’ll spend the whole time talking about somebody who isn’t there, and attendees will feel ripped off when it’s all over.
Dodgers: The Shootist. You think that the old man is finished? You wouldn’t be the first person to make that mistake.
Padres: Man without a Face. Not only are they a faceless team, they’re way down here at the end of the list and I’m tired. So this is what they get. What, you expected a big finish?

[Update: I fixed the title of 21 to Quiz Show, because I'm an idiot and misremembered the name and didn't double-check it. I didn't bother to come up with anything better for the Padres, though, since nobody reads this far into my mammoth posts anyways.]

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

New NY Lt. Governor is Cannibal

New York’s incoming Lieutenant Governor today pre-emptively revealed that while he was Alderman of New York’s eighteenth ward he stalked hobos and ate their flesh, but that he did not do so on government time and never used government funds for his activities.

“I think that everybody has things in their past they’re sorry about,” he told a room of terrified reporters on Monday. “And I would like to say that I’m really, really sorry about that, and if I had it to do over again, I would definitely not stalk the mean streets of New York hunting the world’s most dangerous prey.”

When asked by reporters why he chose to reveal this previously-hidden detail of his life, the Lt. Governor said that “since Governor Paterson seems determined to set a speed record for getting thrown out of office, I figured I needed to let everybody know what was waiting for them if they run him off. It helps people to make informed decisions.”

Asked about allegations of necrophilia, the Lt. Governor said that “I’m not here to talk about the past, I want to move forward with good governance for New York. Anybody wanna go to dinner?”

Democratic Candidates Heat Up Rhetoric

The two remaining Democratic candidates continued to heat up their rhetoric against one another today in their ongoing bid to convince voters that each is the more qualified of the two to assume the mantle of the presidency.

Hillary began the back-and-forth at a campaign stop in Redding, Pennsylvania where she told a group of voters that “I know what it’s like to come under fire, first metaphorically as a woman trying to succeed in the testosterone-charged world of corporate law, and then literally on my many diplomatic missions with Sinbad the Sailor, where we had to dodge flak and sniper bullets every morning just to get to the breakfast buffet.”

Obama, who was stumping in Honolulu, Hawaii, retorted that “I have a proven track record of accomplishment in the Senate which, if broadcast over several years, would put me right in line with such Democratic stalwarts as Ted Kennedy or Jack Murtha. I am the premier lawmaker in the Democratic caucus.”

Later in the day it was Clinton’s turn again, this time before an audience at the VFW rally in Scranton. “I have personally fought for freedom, not just by seeking out corrupt financers and making land deals with them, but by carrying a gun in a war zone to protect American families at 3 AM against the raging hordes of darkness.”

After he was woken from a doze, Obama said from a hammock on Waikiki Beach that “She wants to talk about war, while I want to talk about hope and change and how I healed the nation’s racial divides and personally put an end to the LA Watts Riots. I’m not just head of the Hoping for Better Change Alliance, I’m also a client.”

At a late-evening Campaign appearance at the Pittsburgh “Workers of the World Unite” convention, Clinton said that “I personally fought hard against NAFTA, because I believe we must tax the rich to implement Canadian-style health care reforms, not allow our factories to close so that effete Canadian men can bolster their waning libidos with cheap Viagra. I know my opponent believes in dealing crack on streetcorners to youngsters, but I am against that.”

Obama, speaking to reporters in after a grueling 45-minute Jetski rental and on his way to a snorkeling class, told reporters that “Not only am I the greatest legislator since Thomas Jefferson and the greatest orator since Dr. King, I have invented a perpetual motion machine that makes ugly people more attractive and eliminates funky odors from NASCAR-loving rednecks. Top that, Clinton!”

Clinton, guarding a Philadelphia-area nursery school at 3 AM, responded that “I have been such an important influence in so many lives that Sir Edmund Hilleary changed his name to ‘Hillary’ in my honor and a professional wrestler, Rowdy Rodham Piper, took my maiden name as his moniker to salute my achievements.”

Pecos Bill could not be reached for comment, but Al Gore did mention that he won a Nobel Prize and invented the Internet and would like to be considered by the Superdelegates as a potential alternative.

How to make an Economics Prof. Weep

Somewhere SI’s Peter King’s old Economics professor is crying:
Rant of the Week: I paid $62 to fill my 18-gallon tank with gas on Thursday in New Jersey. With $4-a-gallon gas around the corner (I hear it's already here for premium in California), I have only one question: Where's the outrage? Why are our elected officials doing nothing -- nothing that any of us can see -- about it? I can afford gas, but how about the people who cannot? I can't believe we just let things like this happen in our society.
Welcome to your average Sportswriter/Journalist’s idea of how the economy works: the government should just fix the price of stuff, and we “shouldn’t let” things like this happen.

Here’s an idea for Mr. King: check out how well the government “doing something about high prices” works in places like Venezuela or Zimbabwe.

The free market might be scary and messy, but it’s the only thing that works, dipshit.

Euphemistically Enthusiastic

I think it’s nice that Massachusetts is trying to soothe the hurt feelings of schools and students by choosing euphemisms for failure. Just imagine how nice other areas of life would be if we changed around our terminologies:

John Kerry lost an election.
John Kerry was elected to be a private citizen!

Global Warming is junk science.
Global Warming is proven via non-rigorous methods!

Overstretched homeowners are going bankrupt.
Overstretched homeowners are shaving hundreds of points off their credit scores!

See how easy it is? Try it!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Real Solutions to Real Problems

No one more than me would like to see this country end its dependence on foreign oil. But to do this, we need alternative energy sources. And the reality is that since the sun is too weak to even influence climate, much less power a Hummer, it's not going to do the trick.

And wind power? Please. Unless you're going to hook up a propeller behind my uncle Ernie after he's had chili, you're not going to get enough power to light up my Christmas tree's star, much less the forty-foot inflatable Santa on the lawn.

Come to think of it, after he's had chili uncle Ernie qualifies as a natural gas emission, but that's a subject for another post.

No, what we need is a power source like they had on Star Trek: matter and anti-matter combining to power a whole starship so that the dashing captain could have sex with alien babes and Wesley Crusher could get killed.

So why don't we do this: we'll put Jeremiah Wright and David Duke together, and the combined explosion of racial hatred will energize this country for decades to come.

And it has the added bonus of consuming the reactants, which means no more odious byproducts from these two pustules.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Happy Spring!

Happy March 20th, the official first day of Spring! While doing a little blog spring cleaning, I happened upon this interesting piece of weather forecasting from last year. It’s NOAA’s forecast for winter, 2007-2008, released on October 9, 2007 and updated on November 15th.

Did they do any better than a guy with a bone in his nose reading pig entrails? You be the judge:
CPC forecasters remain confident in predicting above average temperatures for much of the country – including southern sections of the Northeast
Let’s see what they say now about the actual winter we just experienced:
The average temperature across both the contiguous U.S. and the globe during climatological winter (December 2007-February 2008) was the coolest since 2001
Well, okay, but since 2001 the world’s been heating up like spandex between Al Gore’s thighs. What about putting it historically?
In the contiguous United States, the average winter temperature was 33.2°F (0.6°C), which was 0.2°F (0.1°C) above the 20th century average – yet still ranks as the coolest since 2001. It was the 54th coolest winter since national records began in 1895.
113 winters, and this one ranks right around the middle. Cheers to NOAA for accurately predicting the southern sections of the Northeast would be above-average. Jeers to NOAA for predicting it would be so far above average:
For the country as a whole, NOAA's heating degree day forecast for December through February projects a 4.0 percent warmer winter than the 30-year normal, which is very similar to last winter.
So what did we get? A winter that was 0.6% warmer than normal, and much cooler than last winter. When other scientists are this accurate, things blow up and people get sued.

Did these latter-day shamans accurately predict rainfall? Well, here’s what they expected:
As for precipitation, it will be drier than average across the Southwest and the Southeast, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration projected in its winter forecast.
The Ohio and Tennessee Valleys, northern Rockies and Hawaii will be wetter than normal this winter, the agency predicted.
Let’s see what the actual precipitation was this last winter:
Winter precipitation was much above average from the Midwest to parts of the West, notably Kansas, Colorado and Utah. Although moderate-to-strong La Niña conditions were present in the equatorial Pacific the winter was unique for the above average rain and snowfall in the Southwest, where La Niña typically brings drier-than-average conditions.
Mountain snowpack exceeded 150 percent of average in large parts of Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and Oregon at the end of February. Spring run-off from the above average snowpack in the West is expected to be beneficial in drought plagued areas.
While some areas of the Southeast were wetter than average during the winter, overall precipitation for the region was near average. At the end of February, two-thirds of the Southeast remained in some stage of drought, with more than 25 percent in extreme-to- exceptional drought.
Good call on precipitation in the northern Rockies. But in the Southwest it was much wetter than average, and in the Southeast it was an average winter for precipitation. Not so good call there.

To a casual observer, it seems as if there’s something about rainfall and climate that we don’t understand which is destroying our ability to accurately forecast the weather. But that just couldn’t be, could it?

At least Texas took the NOAA predictions seriously:
Winter temperatures were warmer than average from Texas to the Southeast and along the Eastern Seaboard, while cooler-than-average temperatures stretched from much of the upper Midwest to the West Coast.
Drought conditions intensified in Texas with areas experiencing drought almost doubling from 25 percent at the end of January to 45 percent at the end of February.
And environmentalists hate Texas? They should put the whole state on climate change posters like they do with bleak-eyed children to get you to donate to Oxfam.

The bottom line is this: climate experts like to portray themselves as Cassandras, crying out a terrible truth that nobody will believe. But they’re really much more like the little boy who cried wolf.

If you can’t accurately predict next winter from its doorstep, don’t try to sell me a disaster story for what’s coming in ten or twenty or thirty years.

When Sportswriters Attack: Peter King Version

You get no points for guessing how SI’s Peter King will vote this coming fall. In a discussion of John Grisham’s latest book, he manages to throw out this gem of political insight:
One final point: Some of the dirty tricks in his Mississippi election, with strings pulled from hundreds of miles away, reminds me of what can happen in elections today. It's got to be pretty frustrating to be, say, Barack Obama, and get blamed for the views of a fire-and-brimstone preacher you've listened to over the years.
I’ll briefly point out that this is a hypocritical stance for King, who often criticizes teams for taking “bad character” guys on the grounds that they’ll corrupt teammates and spoil locker room chemistry.

Moreover, let’s be realistic here: this isn’t some guy that Obama happened to hear one and off; this is a minister that Obama sought out, joined with, took as counselor, allowed to marry him, and had his children baptized by.

Big difference from somebody that “you’ve listened to over the years.” I look at it like this:

If a song comes on the radio while you’re driving in the car, it means nothing.

If you’re listening to a song on CD in your car, it means you like it.

If the song is in your CD player, and you gave copies of the song to everyone in your family, it means it’s your favorite song.

Which analogy more closely parallels Wright and Obama?

If King doesn’t think Wright’s comments are a big deal, then say so. If King thinks we should vote for Barack regardless of what Wright thinks, then say so. If King doesn’t like Hillary Clinton, then say so.

But the “nothing to see here” defense? It’s lame and pathetic. I would say I expect more of Peter King, but I really don’t.

A Simple Explanation

Climate Change deniers are all in a twitter this week because of recent studies showing that there’s not enough heat in the ocean and an allegation that the atmosphere isn’t infinitely thick.

You know what? Climate Change deniers are idiots.

Of course the oceans haven’t warmed! Only fools ever expected that they would. When you want to cool a drink, what do you do? You put in ice cubes. Similarly, millions of tons of ice have slid off the Arctic and Antarctic ice shelves into the oceans, keeping them cool.

Add to those all the frozen polar bear corpses and it’s a miracle that the oceans haven’t frozen up completely.

And as for this whole “newly derived equations” mumbo-jumbo; well, let’s just say that if Jim Cramer can’t figure out math, then there’s no way that some Hungarian bozo is going to suddenly derive equations better than the good old US of A.

Isn’t Hungary the country that put screen doors on their submarines?

Listen, NASA’s been all the way to the moon, so they know very well how deep the atmosphere really is. And the NASA guy says that the 200-year old calculations are good and that there’s not going to be any changes to the basic theory. Case closed, game, set, and match.

Now go buy your Prius and shut up.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Other Ways Girls Gone Wild Can Ruin Your Life

Now that Eliot Spitzer’s former callgirl has lost a million bucks by flaunting her assets on a GGW video and losing the exclusive first look at her $4500-an-hour tatas, maybe it’s time to review other ways that this seemingly harmless X-rated fun could come back to haunt you young women out there:

Prejudices your audiences
Who do you suppose is watching you flash your boobs, gyrate on strangers, and shoot ping-pong balls out your hoo-ha? Well, in addition to thousands upon thousands of horny, drunken frat boys, remember that your audience likely includes your son, your brother, and maybe even grandpa. And believe me, none of them really want to see that.

Well, maybe grandpa does, but he’s a dirty old man.

Forget your day in court
Imagine the scene: your lawyer is moving in for the kill in your forty-kajillion-dollar civil suit against rap artist Horny K, who you say assaulted you with his crew. You have it on tape and eyewitness testimony. Suddenly, the defense lawyer fires up an old GGW video of you with a donkey and says "if you see her slit, you must acquit!" Verdict? You serve three to five in a women's prison and Horney K wins a Grammy.

And I don't think any of us want that.

It damages your negotiating skills
I don’t know what a top-notch offer for signing over the lifetime rights to video footage of you nakedly debasing yourself in a lesbian tryst is, but I’m willing to guess it’s somewhere north of “cheap white t-shirt and all the tequila shots you can chug.”

Do you really want to explain to your boss why his son always has a boner and begs to come in on "bring your kids to work day"?

Imposters are rife
Is that guy trying to get you into the wet T-shirt contest really going to make you famous and get you into Maxim, or is he just a pervert with a camcorder and a laserprinter looking to boost hits on his blog? And can you really tell in your inebriated stupor?

Come to think of it, I've been meaning to try out my new laserprinter...

Appearing in GGW eventually leads to murder
Like marijuana, GGW is a gateway. It leads to stealing, assault, and finally murder. Don’t believe me? Well, imagine that it’s your wedding day, and your husband is the scion to a wealthy political family’s fortune. Now also imagine that the best man threatens to fire up his copy of GGW on the bigscreen at the reception unless you give him a blowjob. You’re eventually going to have to eventually murder your husband's best friend to make him stop blackmailing you.

Are you ready to go through with that?

Clinton to Fund Michigan, Florida Do-Over

Hillary Clinton’s campaign surprised reporters today by announcing that they will not only support but fund a revote in the critical states of Michigan and Florida.

“We want to make sure that the voters in these critically important states are included in the process,” said a spokesperson. “We don’t want them saying things like ‘God damn America’ or some other insensitive, foolish thing that would construe that they hate their fellow countrymen and women. My campaign is all about hope and love, not hate.”

The spokesperson went on to say that “We want what’s best for the country, even if it costs me millions of dollars, because we’re am willing to put the party, the voters, and the election above my own well-being. Hillary Clinton is not somebody who would be willing to cast aside longtime friends, mentors, or even relatives in a crass bid to seek election.”

Clinton also said via a statement that “I know that this isn’t popular with everybody, and my consistent calls for revotes will be unpalatable to some. But I have always felt that it’s important to be like the biblical prophet Jeremiah: right.”

Monday, March 17, 2008

Rev. Wright Rejects Obama

Embattled minister Jeremiah Wright today lashed out at Barack Obama, calling him “my former protégé” and saying that he wasn’t forced off Obama’s campaign, but that the firebrand reverend quit because Obama was too soft on “making white America pay for its past crimes.”

“I thought Barack was different,” Wright said in an interview. “I thought he hoped for real change during the past 20 years that he was sitting in my church, listening to my sermons, and accepting my advice. I thought his overtures to William Ayers were very positive and showed which direction he wanted relations in this country to go. But now I find out that instead of sticking it to the white man, he was all about political power. I feel used.”

He also had sharp words for the presidential candidate about oratory style. “In his book he admits to copying my style, which is all right as long as he sticks to the central message. But if he’s going to turn it into love for whitey, then I am not down with his jive any more. And after he stole the title for his book from one of my sermons! He’s like Judas to me now.”

The depressed reverend added that “I never believed it before, but I guess it’s true: one drop makes you a honky.”

Google Pot: Kettle is Black, Dangerous

Google chief executive Eric Schmidt told reporters in Beijing that “Microsoft represents a great threat to the dream of an open internet, where information is exchanged freely by all peoples of the world. They must be stopped at all costs before their rapacious greed destroys everything we cherish.”

Asked about Tibet, Schmidt said that “I don’t know of any problems there, and the people seem genuinely happy to be part of the Chinese experience.”

Asked about genocide in the Sudan, Schmidt said that “if it’s not covered on, then it’s not important enough to worry about.”

Asked about jailed political dissidents housed in China, Schmidt said that “I don’t see any in this room, do you?” and refused to take further questions.

He also said that his company was willing to assist Yahoo in fending off Microsoft’s bid, but only if it would “allow us to stamp the Google ideals firmly into Yahoo and make sure that Internet evolution is shaped by our benevolent hands.”

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Hill Wars

I expect that when we finally get the fawning Hollywood biopic for Hillary Clinton in 2016, it’ll look something like this:

Episode I: The Phantom Candidate
“It is a desperate time in the Republic. The president has been derelict in his duty, and only one woman can save the Republic and the entire galaxy from disaster: Hillary Clinton. But during her rise to power a mysterious candidate with a sinister name has suddenly appeared with cult-like minions to deny her what is rightfully hers. Can Hillary and her Gynoceri Knights triumph over the forces of darkness arranged against her?”
Guest-starring Howard Dean as Jar-Jar Binks

Episode II: Return of the King
“Hillary’s supporters have gotten desperate as the paleo-liberals have become bolder and sided with the forces of darkness, led by turncoat Darth Kennedy. With Hillary and her allies battling desperately against the minions of darkness, there is one ally left to call upon: her absentee husband and former president, Bill the Marvelous. But will his finger-wagging and pants-dropping sink her candidacy, or give it the much-needed rise to overcome adversity?”
Guest-starring Harry Reid as Gollum

Episode III: A New Hope
“After a string of defeats the Gynoceri Knight are almost all but wiped out. But strange events are taking place throughout the galaxy. Suddenly a great general appears, Obi-Loren of SNL, and punctures the aura of mystery surrounding the Phantom Candidate. The Imperial Press notices his scandalous past. The Gynoceri find strange allies in Ohio and Texas and secure victory there. Can Hillary use this to move on to electoral success?”
Guest-starring Tony Rezko as Greedo

Episode IV: The Crone Wars
“A string of stunning losses has suddenly brought her to the brink of defeat. Despite losing his foreign-policy expert Darth Dumbass because of her incessant prattling, the lord of shadows has moved ever closer to taking the presidency. When two of her Gynoceri knights suddenly become crazy and bring disgrace on her campaign, can Hillary recover in time to save what is left of the galaxy?”
Guest-starring Geraldine Ferraro as tragically doomed Gynoceri Knight Blabbus Racis

Episode V: The Emperor Strips Back
“Many Canadian spies died to bring the plans which led to the destruction of the sinister NAFSTAR, which threatened to finally sink Hillary because of her husband’s support of it. But when her closest ally and sidekick turns traitor, proposing disastrous policy implications and fooling around with hooker droids, can Hillary distance herself fast enough from him before he destroys everything she’s worked so hard for?”
Guest-starring Eliot Spitzer as the traitorous Darth Stupidious

Episode VI: Triumph of the Gynoceri
“After a stinging defeat at the hands of the forces of darkness and a debacle in the halls of Denver, Hillary seems doomed to failure. But a last-minute offer from an unlikely ally puts her into the GOP campaign as vice president. Will a backroom deal for impeachment with her former senate cronies lead to her ultimate accession to the Presidency?”
Guest-starring John McCain as Chumpa the Hutt

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Headlines You Won’t See

Shiny object distracts Chavez from War in Colombia
Still thinks Bush is the devil, leaves border because he has the munchies

Lindsay Lohan’s sister opts for longer life, sanity over fast-track career to cable porn
Lohan’s mother disappointed, seeks to have third child to exploit

Angry fossil rails against loss of potential footnote to history
Geraldine Ferraro alleges that ‘Real minority victory would diminish my status as historical curiosity’

NYT Apologizes for smearing John McCain
Says politically motivated hack job was uncalled for, promises restraint in the future

Profile: Democratic Kingmaker Howard Dean
How his steady hand seized upon fertile ground to seed the Democratic majority for years to come

Paris fashion show highlights clothes people want to wear
Out: goofy yard-wide collars; In: clothes that don’t look like aliens wear them

Photographer injured while snapping naked pix of Kathie Griffin
D-Lister desperate to prolong fifteen minutes; photog in coma; prognosis grim

Hillary Clinton Concedes
Says she’s putting Democratic Party first, personal ambition second

Hollywood rallies around David Mamet
Says his ideological conversion proves his brilliance

Democrats decide to look forward instead of back
Admit overall conditions in Middle East are improving, pledge to stop bitching about authorization to use military force

Hollywood child-kidnapping ring foiled
Madonna, Angelina Jolie arrested

Lawyers Fear Plunging Divorce Rate

A recent New York News study showed that the divorce rate in New York State, one of the highest in the country, is expected to plunge over the next 5 to 10 years. The study cited a number of factors which are expected to contribute, including Generation X’s greater respect for the institution of marriage, lower overall marriage rates, and the ‘Spitzer Effect.’

“Basically what we’re hearing is that a lot of husbands are telling their wives ‘listen, I know that I screwed up, but it’s not like I spent a month’s pay having anal sex with hookers.’ And apparently the wives are accepting that. What a lot of wives have realized the last couple of months is that if their husband isn’t trolling for anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms or dropping tens of thousands of dollars on harlots, he’s probably a keeper.”

Hardest hit by the change will be divorce lawyers, who fear that a commitment to marriage will cut into their lucrative practice of destroying lives for up to $1500 an hour.

“The profession was already hanging by a thread,” said one affluent Manhattan lawyer. “And as the divorce lawyer profession goes, so goes the economy. We’re like the canary in the coal mine, except people like canaries and don’t consider them to be similar to cockroaches. Which is unfair, because we’re really more like dung beetles.”

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Betrayal Scale

Sometimes politicians let us down, like when they get caught trolling for anonymous homosexual sex or spending a month’s salary on high-priced hookers. But until now people really didn’t have a good way to quantify how big a breach of trust this really was. Was it a “that baby really looks like my best friend” moment or a more minor “I kissed your girlfriend while you were on a break” moment?

Thankfully, your Daily Dollop is here to answer these difficult questions in life with the Betrayal Scale. I’ve included helpful examples from the business world that impact your marital life as well as betrayals between friends.

[Note: we’re not going to piddle around with “I didn’t know he liked her” BS; this is real betrayal]

Level 0: Minor Flirtation
Business: You hired a secretary but you didn’t really need one.
Personal: You kissed his girlfriend while they were broken up, or you inappropriately dared his girlfriend to bare herself during a drunken party.
Payback: Buy him a beer and all is forgiven. After all, chasing your boy’s girl is a sign of respect, right?
Wife’s payback: No sex for a month.

Level 1: Circumstances are everything
Business: You hired a hot secretary.
Personal: You had sex with his girlfriend while they were broken up, or you made drunken propositions to his sober girlfriend.
Payback: He gets to punch you and all is forgiven. You’re not allowed to be alone with her for any circumstances short of a shipwreck, and even then you should consider the briny deep as a viable first option.
Wife’s payback: He sleeps on the couch.

Level 2: Danger zone!
: You took your hot secretary on a business trip to a tropical location but nothing happened.
Personal: You kissed his girlfriend while they were together, or you made sober propositions to his drunken girlfriend. .
Payback: He gets to punch you, but you can defend.
Wife’s payback: Hire a 20-year-old gardner who works shirtless.

Level 3: Toeing the line
Business: You’re making up reasons to work late and on the weekend to be with your hot secretary and complaining to her about your home life, but you’re not screwing her.
Personal: You had sex with his girlfriend while they were together regardless of anyone’s state of intoxication.
Payback: He gets to punch you in the nads, and you don’t get to defend, and you’re not invited to the wedding but you have to send them a nice gift.
Wife’s payback: Hire a 20-year-old poolboy who works in a thong, whether or not you have a pool.

Level 4: Crossing the line
: The only reason you’re porking your hot secretary is because she’ll do things to you that your wife won’t.
Personal: You kissed his wife, with or without groping.
Payback: He gets to hit you with an object, but you can defend yourself. You cannot, however, fight back.
Wife’s payback: Start doing things to the poolboy that you wouldn’t do to your husband.

Level 5: The line is a dot
: Your hot secretary is doing things to you that your wife would also do.
Personal: You kissed his daughter or posted naked pictures of his girlfriend on the Internet.
Payback: He gets to shoot you. You are allowed to run away.
Wife’s payback: Stop doing anything whatsoever to husband, have two-a-days with gardener and poolboy.

Level 6: Hitting a new low
: Instead of a hot secretary, you have an affair with an ugly secretary.
Personal: You had sex with his wife or posted naked pictures of him on the internet, with or without demeaning Vienna sausage references.
Payback: He gets to shoot you in the nads. You are allowed to run away. He does not, however, get to reload.
Wife’s payback: Divorce him, then have sex with his boss and get him fired.

Level 7: Rock bottom
: Instead of a hot secretary, you’re economizing by paying a seedy prostitute.
Personal: You had sex with his (adult) daughter.
Payback: He gets to shoot you in the nads and reload as much as he likes. You are not allowed to run away, but you may beg for mercy.
Wife’s payback: Divorce, complete with angry children and forfeiture of all his property and assets. If disease is involved, wife can shoot husband in the nads.

Level 8: Discovering New Shames
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, you’re paying a moderately-priced prostitute.
Personal: You got his wife pregnant and disavow all responsibility.
Payback: He gets to shoot you and her both. You may beg if you wish.
Wife’s payback: Divorce him, then have sex with his brother to start a family squabble.

Level 9: Tarred and Spitzered
: Instead of a hot secretary, you’re paying a high-priced escort.
Personal: You got his (adult) daughter pregnant.
Payback: He gets to murder you in cold blood and bury you in the basement. Anything less and society ceases to function.
Wife’s payback: Divorce him, then have sex with his dad to get him disowned.

Level 10: Fade to black
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, your prostitute is a transvestite.
Personal: You got both his wife and his (adult) daughter pregnant.
Payback: He should shoot himself and leave you to clean up that ungodly mess. Have fun on Jerry Springer!
Wife’s payback: License to do whatever you would like for the remainder of your natural lives together, like removing his testicles and having them picked to bring out at parties and social gatherings.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Gov. Spitzer Blames NYC Water for Lapse

In a tearful press conference today, Democratic New York governor Eliot Spitzer revealed that while he did purchase the services of $5500 prostitutes from the Emperor's Club, the services were all for treatment of a medical problem caused by trace contaminants in New York's drinking water.

"The painful truth is that the parts per million viagra in the New York water supply have augmented my already tremendous virility, causing a rare medical condition called Boneritis. The only reason I subscribed to the Emperor's Club Naughty Nurse Club was to help treat this condition, which can cause distraction and embarrassment at public functions. In my case it also causes stiff-legged walking, if you know what I mean."

Appearing with his stone-faced wife at his side, the Governor asked for the press to respect his privacy during this difficult time. When asked by a reporter why his wife didn't treat it, the Governor said that "she's not a nurse, nor is she particularly naughty."

One of the Governor's doctors said there was no danger to other New Yorkers. "Boneritis will only affect the already manly and virile, and most New York men are feminized to such a degree that any onset of the disease only moves them to semi-macho, like Potsie or Ralph Malph. Only in a superb specimen, such as Governor Spitzer or that icon of manliness Michael Bloomberg, would we expect to see a full-on case of Boneritis, also called Fonzarelli Syndrome. It is treatable, although some do find the procedure seedy."

Some wondered if chemicals in the water also affected the governor's judgment. Typical was Selma O'Toole, who asked "is there some stupid in the water that led to the whole driver's license thing as well?"

Friday, March 7, 2008

Harvard Gym Hours

NOTE TO ALL STUDENTS: Starting from April 1, all gym and pool facilities at Harvard will abide by the following schedule from Monday to Friday:

6 AM to 7 AM: Traditional gym. In pool, swimming suits required. No fornication

7 AM to 8 AM: Heterosexual women only. Headscarves must be worn while swimming. Burqas must be worn in South Gym weightlifting room.

8 AM to 9 AM: Gay men only. Clothing required. No fornication.

9 AM to 10 AM: Lesbians only. Clothing optional. Hot girl-on-girl action allowed only in saunas.

10 AM to 11 AM: Heterosexual cross-dressing males only. Clothing required. No fornication. Masturbation is allowed only in designated areas.

11 AM to 12 AM: Classy nudist time: all participants in all facilities must be naked, no exceptions. No fornication.

12 AM to 1 PM: Professors’ hours. No students or conservatives allowed.

1 PM to 2 PM: Open to all. Nudity is by choice. Fornication in bathing areas only.

2 PM to 3 PM: She-males only. Clothing required. No fornication.

3 PM to 4 PM: Womyn only. Clothing optional. Only tasteful fornication.

4 PM to 5 PM: Left-handed vegans only. No meat, righties, or shaved armpits.

5 PM to 7 PM: Women only. No uncovered hair, ankles. Males not allowed within a hundred-yard radius of gyms during this time.

7 PM to 8 PM: Midget carnivore workout time. Pools will be drained to 3’ depth and filled with raw meat.

8 PM to 9 PM: Miscellaneous oppressed minority hour. If your minority isn’t represented on the list, petition to have it included one night a week.

9 PM to 10 PM: “Hot gym nights”: dress as your favorite “Rocky Horror” character to enter, fornication encouraged.

10 PM to 11 PM: Animal Farm! Everybody bring an animal to join in the fun and broaden horizons. Fornication in strange, taboo ways required.

11 PM to 12 AM: Traditional gym. In pool, swimming suits required. No fornication.

12 AM to 1 AM: Heterosexual males only. Tight-fitting spandex tights required. Fornication encouraged.

Please remember to wipe down all equipment after you are finished, including other gym users.

Maverick SMS Messages

In what may be a crippling blow to the McCain campaign for president today, a raft of text messages have been recovered from his cell phone. Check out what the straight-talk maverick has been telling people when you couldn’t hear him:

To: the New York Times on 1/25/08
“Thx for the shout-out. Luv u 2.”

To: Mitt Romney 1/29/08
“Im n ur party takin ur votes.”

To: a neighbor on 2/2/08

To: Hillary Clinton on 2/14/08
“Be my BFF! Call me plz.”

To: the New York Times on 2/21/08
“Why you lie? I thot we wuz BFF! Call me plz.”

To: the CPAC on 2/27/08
“I GOP now good boy vot4me plz.”

To: Rush Limbaugh on 3/3/08
“OMG! Vote4Hill? Call me plz.”

To: Mike Huckabee 3/4/08

To: NBC on 3/5/08
“U say me cannibal? I thot we wuz BFF! Call me plz.”

To: Barack Obama on 3/6/08
“My wife = hottie, your wife = nottie.”

To: CNN on 3/7/08
“Why no coverge? I thot we wuz BFF! Call me plz.”

Former Obama Adviser Clarifies Remark

Former Obama advisor and professional gaffe-producer Samantha Power today expanded on her remarks to The Scotsman that Hillary Clinton “is a monster.”

“I want to be very clear about which monster I meant, because a lot of people have misconstrued my remarks,” said Power to a reporter for the Palm County Sun Beach Times. “I didn’t mean some kind of garden-variety monster, like the creature from the Black Lagoon, although I’ve heard that her lagoon smells pretty funky, if you know what I mean.

“And I didn’t mean she’s like the blob, although she is getting pretty fleshy around the neck, and Barack does kind of resemble Steve McQueen. Although Barack is better-looking, to be honest with you, and far more ruggedly masculine.

“I certainly didn’t want to imply, like some internet wags, that she’s like King Kong, although I’ve heard she does fall in love with various bathing beauties and that’s why Bill runs around on her with trailer-park trash. And she is hairy and has to pluck her chin hairs every afternoon to avoid a five o’clock shadow.

“What I meant is that she’s like Godzilla. Not that she’s six hundred feet tall and sprays radioactive death from her mouth, but rather that the sequel Clinton administration will be like the 1998 Godzilla sequel starring Matthew Broderick. All we all know how badly that sucked and how awful it was.

“While I’m at it, I want to clear up the widely-broadcast remark I made that John McCain is a crotchety old fart who smells funny and is out of touch with Americans. Most reports left out that I think he’s a cannibal as well and that we should pre-emptively nuke Israel just to clear up most foreign policy problems in the world today.”

Tripp Isenhour: Dick

I was going to write some kind of satire about Tripp Isenhour, the professional golfer who killed a hawk with a shot, but I’ll just settle for the title.

And you know what? The 15 worthless assholes that stood around with their thumb up their ass while he tried to pelt the bird are all dicks, too. Not a single one of them said “hey, hold on, let me try running at it going booga-booga-booga to see if that drives it off.”

What a bunch of worthless dicks.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Handover Scale

Aaron Rodgers gets to take over from Brett Favre. Where on this list of successions do you think this change will be?

1 - Turning Gold into Lead
Bo and Luke to Coy and Vance
During a contract holdout we were treated to a season of the Duke boys’ incestuous cousins who couldn’t even manage a believable Southern accent. This is the equivalent of replacing Crockett and Tubbs with a random Baldwin and Wayans brother and pretending it’s the same series. Not even slapping Daisy Duke in assless chaps could save the series after these two arrived.

2 - Small Feet, Big Shoes
Barney Fife to ???
It's not just anybody who could follow up Don Knotts; specifically, not the poor bastard who took over deputy duty on The Andy Griffith Show. And did it really matter what he did? The fact was, he wasn't Barney. Case closed.

3 - Set Up for Success, Fail Anyways
Ronald Reagan to GHW Bush
If Reagan had a Tickle Me Elmo as his vice president, then Dukakis would have gotten swept instead of winning ten states. And Elmo might have made a better president, given that he wasn’t programmed to say “Read my lips: I’m a dumbass.”

4 - Expanding to Failure
Happy Days to Joanie Loves Chachi
The problem was nobody else did.

5 - Continuing the Tradition of Incompetence
Dennis Miller to Tony Kornheiser
This one’s kind of a push: Miller did an awful job and was voted worst sportscaster ever, and Kornheiser does so poorly you can hardly consider him a sportscaster at all. So this represents a “change in kind.”

6 - Careful What You Wish For
Valerie Harper to Sandy Duncan
Memo to all you fading stars out there: never threaten the producers, or they might kill your character off and replace you with Sandy Duncan. And Sandy Duncan is a hit machine.

7 - His Time Has Come
Drew Bledsoe to Anybody
The injury heard ‘round the NFL. In New England, Bledsoe lost his spot to future hall-of-famer Tom Brady. Then, just to prove it wasn't a fluke, he went to Dallas and repeated the cycle with Tony Romo. He should get hired by NFL teams just to make their backup QBs perform better after his feet of clay lead to the inevitable injury.

8 - From Amateur to Professional
Lenin to Stalin
If you’re gonna go commie, you need to have massive purges. In this respect, Stalin is a huge step up from Lenin, who was essentially a pussy when it came to slaughtering his own people. Lenin constrained his murderous impulses to royals, while Stalin was willing to purge from intelligentsia on down to proletariat in order to keep his iron grip on power.

9 - A New Direction
Batman to Batman: The Dark Knight
Listen, I was a big fan of Adam West and the Battoossie. But we can all admit that Batman had become dorky and unhip. Until he got reimagined and started kicking some serious ass, what with tossing the Joker off the Empire State Building and all. Now people seriously think he could take Superman in a fistfight (as if!).

10 - The Faces Change, the Results Stay the Same
Montana to Young
The “Gold Standard” of QB changeoves, from one hall-of-famer to another. Of course, the second guy had to retire after numerous concussions and still doesn’t quite make sense when he talks. Just a little something for Rodgers to keep in mind...

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Grammar Endorses Clinton

Grammar announced today that it was formally endorsing Hillary Clinton, ending weeks of speculation about which Democratic candidate the venerable educational component would favor. The move adds even more steam to Clinton’s momentum as she tries to capitalize on a stunning upset in the “must-win” states of Ohio and Texas.

Analysts said that while the timing caught everyone off-guard, the endorsement itself should shock no one. “Grammar is the largest and most senior of the three R’s, and it’s not a big surprise that it would endorse the establishment candidate. I know that the teacher’s union lobbied Grammar heavily to support Clinton, and it looks like their efforts have paid off.”

Others said that a rivalry between Grammar and Math fueled the endorsement. A source close to Grammar said that “all the talk in the last few days has been about how Math now favors Obama, and was really start to make Grammar mad. What is it, chopped liver? But who today is writing about Math now that Grammar has endorsed? Or should it be ‘whom’? I’m never sure.”

Obama had also seen his support from Grammar wane after a Chicago paper reported that his former third-grade teacher Edna Woolcot supported the teaching of ebonics and said that Grammar was “a racist construct invented by whites to keep blacks in poverty.” Obama has so far refused to distance himself from Woolcot’s comments, and some hinted that this likely cost him Grammar’s endorsement.

With Math showing more and more favor to Obama as time goes on, and Grammar now having endorsed Clinton, the focus will shift to Physical Education. However, with obesity on the rise among all sectors of society, it is doubtful how much influence PE can have on the overall race.

A Short History of the Inevitable

Now that we’ve seen the results of Super Tuesday Part 2: Revenge of the Ice Queen, it’s time to take a deep breath and have a little historical lesson about inevitability and foregone conclusions.

I remind you all that the conventional wisdom is that conventional wisdom is usually wrong. If it were correct people would call it ‘fact.’

1912: The Titanic is the world’s greatest ocean liner, so mighty that God himself couldn’t sink her.
Result: Sank on its maiden voyage, 1,520 souls lost.
Silver Lining: Lots of academy awards and getting to see Leonardo DiCaprio freeze to death.

1928: This boom is forever! The old economic rules no longer apply!
Result: Black Thursday, 1929.
Silver Lining: Back then brokers who cost you your life savings had the good grace to jump out a window.

1939: The German army is utterly unstoppable, mowing down all those who dare stand against them.
Result: Bogged down in Stalingrad to a Russian army that told the second rank to just pick up rifles as the first rank got mowed down.
Silver Lining: Gave Hollywood a ‘staple’ villain for the next 70 years.

1948: Dewey defeats Truman!
Result: Um, on second thought, no he didn’t.
Silver Lining: First photographic evidence of schadenfreude.

1955: The ‘Big Three’ networks of ABC, CBS, and NBC will always control news and information flow to the American public.
Result: It’s true that people alive in 1955 still watch the nightly news on the big three. Not many other people do, though.
Silver Lining: Cable gave birth to HBO, which showed moves with naked women in them for the prurient interest of a generation born before the wonders of Internet porn.

1969: Colts can’t possibly lose to the upstart Jets and their pretty-boy quarterback.
Result: Joe Namath makes sports history, spawns countless imitators.
Silver Lining: Getting to see a drunken Namath drooling over Suzy Kolber. And I suppose seeing him in pantyhose, if you’re into that kind of thing.

1971: Population is exploding and we’re all going to starve!
Result: The models were a wee bit off and didn’t account for people not being dumbasses.
Silver Lining: Soylent green is made out of people! It’s people!

1980: You can’t hope to stop the USSR, you can only hope to contain it.
Result: Dissolved, with leader now stooping to palming Super Bowl rings.
Silver Lining: Eight years of a drunken Boris Yeltsin being taken seriously on the world stage.

1997: AOL is an Internet juggernaut that will control cyberspace forever
Result: AOL is a joke used only by losers.
Silver Lining: AOL’s plunge has poisoned Time-Warner, and the “You’ve got mail!” guy managed to find work as the Enzyte spokesman.

2000: This Internet boom will go on forever! Old economic rules no longer apply!
Result: Buddy, can you spare me a quarter? My options are worthless.
Silver Lining: It gave us the hand puppet dog. On second thought, that’s more like a plague of locusts…

2007/8: Hillary Clinton is the putative nominee/Barack Obama has unstoppable momentum.
Result: Remains to be seen, but these can’t both be true.
Silver Lining: Helps distract Republicans from the fact that 51% of them hate their nominee.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Brett Favre Hangs it Up

I guess Peter King will finally have to get that Viagra prescription filled instead of pulling out the old Packers highlights when the missus gets frisky, because Brett Favre has called it a career. And any further vision of the Great Gunslinger in uniform can only bring bitter tears of regret instead of setting the hearts of sportswriters everywhere atwitter.

Here's hoping they can find a good replacement, because with President-elect Obama soon to outlaw cheese, there's just no reason to go on living in Wisconsin if the Packers aren't any good.

Proof #642 That I'm Shallow

So I read about the death of Jeff Healey, and the first thing I thought was "I wonder if he's the guy that played Cody in Roadhouse." I knew absolutely nothing else about Healey, his amazing life story, or the incredible odds he overcame to become a world-class musician after being blinded at the age of 1.

Yes, I'm shallow.

(And yes, he did play Cody in Roadhouse, the only Patrick Swayze movie worth watching. Unless you're a woman or you're gay [not that there's anything wrong with that], in which case you might also include Dirty Dancing.)

RIP Gary Gygax

I was saddened to hear of the passing of Gary Gygax, creator of D&D, at 69. Guy helped make it okay to be a geek with the coolest game concept ever.

He was also married and had six children. Something for those of you who spend your lives in the basement sharpening your own vorpal sword to think about.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Rising Stars

According to retired General Wesley Clark, Hillary Clinton's got the right stuff to be a good Commander in Chief. John McCain doesn't. Apparently a good CIC has slept with the president and traveled abroad.

Let's see who else might fit this somewhat strange framework for deciding fitness to serve as commander in chief of the world's most powerful military:

Paula Jones
Pros: Allegedly was propositioned by a soon-to-be president.
Cons: Got beat up by Tanya Harding. No, not one of Harding's thugs; Harding herself.
Warrior Score: Gomer Pyle.

Jane Fonda
Pros: Slept with the president of a television network, traveled new realms of consciousness as Barbarella, Queen of the Galaxy.
Cons: Is a dipshit.
Warrior Score: Cobra Commander

Gennifer Flowers
Pros: Has slept with Bill Clinton.
Cons: Has kind of a porn star name.
Warrior Score: Xena, Warrior Princess

Stockard Channing
Pros: In addition to having spent several years playing the first lady on TV, she knows middle America well, having attended Ridell High. Has toured Africa while filming Safari 3000.
Cons: Is definitely a Republican, having played the role of Klara Hitler.
Warrior Score: She-Ra

Monica Lewinsky
Pros: Has drunk from the same font of military prowess that gives Hillary her credentials.
Cons: Spilled a good bit of that wisdom rather than fully, um, integrating it.
Warrior Score: Attilla the Hun

Marilyn Monroe
Pros: Slept with the pre-Obama Democratic rock star JFK, as well as his brother, is the standard by which all Hollywood starlets are measured.
Cons: None.
Warrior Score: Ghengis Khan with a side of Caesar salad!

'60 Minutes' Converts to All-Crazy Format

In a bid to keep up with more tabloid publications like The National Enquirer and The New York Times, TV newsmagazine 60 Minutes today announced that they would be going to an 'all-crazy' format devoted to the crazy, the weird, and the downright disturbed.

"Why limit the crazy venting to just Andy Rooney?" said one producer. "With a full-on all-crazy format we can be a clearinghouse for nuts all over the country who just want to get something off their chest. After the success of Dan Rather's piece on the president, and our recent expose on the frame-up of Don Sielegman, we figured that we might as well go all-in on this style of journalism."

Upcoming segments of the popular show will include:

*Marlin Perkins' love child: the story Mutual of Omaha doesn't want you to hear

*A New Hope? What Barack Obama, DNA testing, and Dan Brown's seminal work have to say about the future of America's soul

*They came from Uranus to probe my anus: one woman's tale of public restroom terror

*Nigerian lottery winners: where are they now?

*The USPS plan to tax e-mails ten cents each, and what we have to do to stop them

*Hitler's Pilot: how Nazi cloning tests from the 1930's are jeopardizing our future

*Cannibal Bikini Hookers of Des Moines: the real story of America's heartland