After a long battle between faux Republican governor Arnold Swartzenegger and the California Legislature, which is mostly communist with a green garnish, the government of the largest state has committed itself to developing its vast resources of smug for the production of clean energy, which it hopes to provide to the rest of the nation.
“Just the smug from San Francisco alone could power the Eastern seaboard!” said Green Party chairman Karl Lenin. “And if we can get even one of the smug generators in West Hollywood or Beverly Hills operating, we’d be able to power every state west of the Rockies! Except for Wyoming, home of Dick Cheney and a festering hellhole that should be depopulated.”
A spokesman for the governor called it “yet another nail in the coffin of Arnold’s political career and a clear sign that the constitutional ban on non-citizens running for president was a very good thing.”
Scientists pointed out that there is no known way to turn smug into anything other than annoyance, but other than global warming they are typically wrong about everything, so they may be ignored.
Millionaire investor T. Boone Pickens said he looked forward to selling the Smug Collectors, because “whether or not they work I’ll get my millions selling them.”
Al Gore said that while encouraging, the step didn’t go far enough. “We’ve reached a tipping point, a veritable point of no return, where we are over the knife edge and past the event horizon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m out of trite phrases, and I have to go now because I just got word that another one of my houses has been burned to the ground.”
Showing posts with label environment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label environment. Show all posts
Monday, September 29, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Hansen Warns Congress on Polar Bears
Climate scientist James Hansen told a Congressional committee today that unless swift and certain action is taken, “within a few years we will be facing a Polar Bear invasion the likes of which humanity will barely survive.”
“This is an issue that we need to tackle now, by trimming surplus human population and crippling the economy, before it becomes too late,” Hansen said in his statement. “The Northwest Passage, closed since the age of dinosaurs, will open up and expose our northern waterways to ice floes that will regularly come from the North Pole. On these frozen barges, likely guided by pilot monkeys, will come the Polar Bears, seeking to extract vengeance for our wanton consumerism.”
Hansen painted a bleak picture for cities on the Great Lakes such as Chicago or Detroit. “Armies of these giant, killer bears wandering desolate cities, eating what few survivors remain trying to glean a life off of rainwater and abandoned radioactive sludge,” Hansen predicted. “Then, the Bears will strike south, down the Mississippi, rupturing fragile levees and destroying farmland like a plague of two-ton carnivorous locusts.”
After his statement Hansen answered questions, saying at one point that “it’s now time to panic, crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside.”
“This is an issue that we need to tackle now, by trimming surplus human population and crippling the economy, before it becomes too late,” Hansen said in his statement. “The Northwest Passage, closed since the age of dinosaurs, will open up and expose our northern waterways to ice floes that will regularly come from the North Pole. On these frozen barges, likely guided by pilot monkeys, will come the Polar Bears, seeking to extract vengeance for our wanton consumerism.”
Hansen painted a bleak picture for cities on the Great Lakes such as Chicago or Detroit. “Armies of these giant, killer bears wandering desolate cities, eating what few survivors remain trying to glean a life off of rainwater and abandoned radioactive sludge,” Hansen predicted. “Then, the Bears will strike south, down the Mississippi, rupturing fragile levees and destroying farmland like a plague of two-ton carnivorous locusts.”
After his statement Hansen answered questions, saying at one point that “it’s now time to panic, crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside.”
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Environmentalists: Zanns in a Janna world
You know what occurred to me the other day? Environmentalists are all just like the Wondertwin Zann. You remember him, the dickhead who was always sure that the key to defeating the giant alien monster was to transform into a bucket of water? Only numb-nuts never actually brought the bucket; he had to rely on Gleep to have one to catch his sorry ass before he went down the drain?
Similarly, environmentalists love to write these stories about how water levels will rise and we’ll all die in a giant tidal wave of doom unless we activate some utterly unworkable solution of dubious merit, like eradicating the world economy and forcing a massive human die-off.
Um, dipshits? Even if you’re correct (which I doubt), the water’s not going to come tomorrow. And as it comes, we’ll fix it. For example, there’s this fantastic new device called a dike that can be used to REPEL WATER!
I’ll grant you that it’s a technology in its infancy, having only been used about four centuries in the Netherlands, but using advanced computer models and giant government subsidies I’m sure we’ll come up with some stopgap applications to keep us all from drowning.
See, I’m a Janna at heart: I don’t care what the threat is, I figure if I transform into a Zorgonian Forty-Ton Laser Rhinoceros, I can at least severely wound it, if not outright kill it. If my dipshit tagalong thinks that a giant popsicle is the way to go; well, good luck with that, but don’t count on me transforming into a Pitonian Humming Beetle just because you suggested it.
The worst is the politicians, who are all Gleeps at heart: always causing trouble and helping dumbass Zann with his half-cocked schemes by carrying the bucket, or sticking their noses in to help him transform into something utterly useless.
The least you could all do is just get out of the way and let us Jannas go to work. If there’s a problem, we’ll fix it.
Or at least severely wound it.
Similarly, environmentalists love to write these stories about how water levels will rise and we’ll all die in a giant tidal wave of doom unless we activate some utterly unworkable solution of dubious merit, like eradicating the world economy and forcing a massive human die-off.
Um, dipshits? Even if you’re correct (which I doubt), the water’s not going to come tomorrow. And as it comes, we’ll fix it. For example, there’s this fantastic new device called a dike that can be used to REPEL WATER!
I’ll grant you that it’s a technology in its infancy, having only been used about four centuries in the Netherlands, but using advanced computer models and giant government subsidies I’m sure we’ll come up with some stopgap applications to keep us all from drowning.
See, I’m a Janna at heart: I don’t care what the threat is, I figure if I transform into a Zorgonian Forty-Ton Laser Rhinoceros, I can at least severely wound it, if not outright kill it. If my dipshit tagalong thinks that a giant popsicle is the way to go; well, good luck with that, but don’t count on me transforming into a Pitonian Humming Beetle just because you suggested it.
The worst is the politicians, who are all Gleeps at heart: always causing trouble and helping dumbass Zann with his half-cocked schemes by carrying the bucket, or sticking their noses in to help him transform into something utterly useless.
The least you could all do is just get out of the way and let us Jannas go to work. If there’s a problem, we’ll fix it.
Or at least severely wound it.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Enough is Enough
It is time for us to stop pretending that we’re not at war and get serious about ending the most dangerous threat ever to face our great nation. We’ve shrugged off attack after attack on our military and our civilian infrastructure, and the only thing our tolerance has brought us is more hatred.
That’s right: it’s time to destroy all the animals. We can no longer turn the other cheek and listen to the mealy-mouthed liberals who want to let them take our way of life from us.
We’ve known this day was coming since the day that a deranged rabbit tried to kill President Carter. I don’t care how incompetent the president is, I don’t want some scraggly-assed savage taking shots at him without experiencing extreme retribution.
Fortunately Carter managed to escape the bucktoothed agent of death, but can we take a chance that our other elected officials will be so lucky? In India, the deputy mayor of Delhi was killed by wild monkeys. Our clear impotence at their outrageous attacks on our key allies only emboldens them further.
Worse, some traitors in the US try to foist upon us that these animals are peaceful, or even worse, scarce! In a recent holiday, rabbits were portrayed as pink, fluffy, candy-leaving agents of world peace. In reality, they are hissing, buck-toothed assassins who want to tear your throat out and eat your children.
These savages know no bounds or decency: in Boston a schoolgirl is savagely attacked by an angry hawk, which tried to pull her brain out of her head in front of horrified classmates. And it is not only the children who are at risk: just last year a beaver attacked an elderly grandmother who was swimming with her children, probably for impropriety.
How long will we ignore polar bear attacks on our submarine fleets, squirrels disrupting the mail system, and crocodiles stopped only by alert citizen intervention?
It has come down to us against them, their teeth gnashing for our blood. And Ted Turner is already on their side!
Some might tell you that this is a problem that can be solved by law and order; well, I remind you that the guards are often the first victim, as jailers in San Francisco and China found out recently.
We need to get serious about this and vote to secure our great nation from these dangerous animals. If congress would just divert 1% of the funding from their secret project to develop a mind control chemical to add to Coco-Puffs, then we could develop a bomb that preferentially destroys animals but leaves structures and humans intact.
That would go a long way towards cleaning out the real hell holes around the world, like Yellowstone National Park, where ordinary people can’t walk in the open for fear of being trampled to death by arrogant, smelly buffalo who don’t even bother to learn the rules of the road and end up smashing your car for $2,500 in damage that your insurance won’t cover just because you had a few drinks at the lodge.
So this November, while other parties fret about overseas wars and illegal aliens, vote for the candidate who best understands the challenges that face us here in America right now:
That’s right: it’s time to destroy all the animals. We can no longer turn the other cheek and listen to the mealy-mouthed liberals who want to let them take our way of life from us.
We’ve known this day was coming since the day that a deranged rabbit tried to kill President Carter. I don’t care how incompetent the president is, I don’t want some scraggly-assed savage taking shots at him without experiencing extreme retribution.
Fortunately Carter managed to escape the bucktoothed agent of death, but can we take a chance that our other elected officials will be so lucky? In India, the deputy mayor of Delhi was killed by wild monkeys. Our clear impotence at their outrageous attacks on our key allies only emboldens them further.
Worse, some traitors in the US try to foist upon us that these animals are peaceful, or even worse, scarce! In a recent holiday, rabbits were portrayed as pink, fluffy, candy-leaving agents of world peace. In reality, they are hissing, buck-toothed assassins who want to tear your throat out and eat your children.
These savages know no bounds or decency: in Boston a schoolgirl is savagely attacked by an angry hawk, which tried to pull her brain out of her head in front of horrified classmates. And it is not only the children who are at risk: just last year a beaver attacked an elderly grandmother who was swimming with her children, probably for impropriety.
How long will we ignore polar bear attacks on our submarine fleets, squirrels disrupting the mail system, and crocodiles stopped only by alert citizen intervention?
It has come down to us against them, their teeth gnashing for our blood. And Ted Turner is already on their side!
Some might tell you that this is a problem that can be solved by law and order; well, I remind you that the guards are often the first victim, as jailers in San Francisco and China found out recently.
We need to get serious about this and vote to secure our great nation from these dangerous animals. If congress would just divert 1% of the funding from their secret project to develop a mind control chemical to add to Coco-Puffs, then we could develop a bomb that preferentially destroys animals but leaves structures and humans intact.
That would go a long way towards cleaning out the real hell holes around the world, like Yellowstone National Park, where ordinary people can’t walk in the open for fear of being trampled to death by arrogant, smelly buffalo who don’t even bother to learn the rules of the road and end up smashing your car for $2,500 in damage that your insurance won’t cover just because you had a few drinks at the lodge.
So this November, while other parties fret about overseas wars and illegal aliens, vote for the candidate who best understands the challenges that face us here in America right now:
Vote Fudd: He'll Get those Wascally Wabbits
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Happy Spring!
Happy March 20th, the official first day of Spring! While doing a little blog spring cleaning, I happened upon this interesting piece of weather forecasting from last year. It’s NOAA’s forecast for winter, 2007-2008, released on October 9, 2007 and updated on November 15th.
Did they do any better than a guy with a bone in his nose reading pig entrails? You be the judge:
Did these latter-day shamans accurately predict rainfall? Well, here’s what they expected:
To a casual observer, it seems as if there’s something about rainfall and climate that we don’t understand which is destroying our ability to accurately forecast the weather. But that just couldn’t be, could it?
At least Texas took the NOAA predictions seriously:
The bottom line is this: climate experts like to portray themselves as Cassandras, crying out a terrible truth that nobody will believe. But they’re really much more like the little boy who cried wolf.
If you can’t accurately predict next winter from its doorstep, don’t try to sell me a disaster story for what’s coming in ten or twenty or thirty years.
Did they do any better than a guy with a bone in his nose reading pig entrails? You be the judge:
CPC forecasters remain confident in predicting above average temperatures for much of the country – including southern sections of the NortheastLet’s see what they say now about the actual winter we just experienced:
The average temperature across both the contiguous U.S. and the globe during climatological winter (December 2007-February 2008) was the coolest since 2001Well, okay, but since 2001 the world’s been heating up like spandex between Al Gore’s thighs. What about putting it historically?
In the contiguous United States, the average winter temperature was 33.2°F (0.6°C), which was 0.2°F (0.1°C) above the 20th century average – yet still ranks as the coolest since 2001. It was the 54th coolest winter since national records began in 1895.113 winters, and this one ranks right around the middle. Cheers to NOAA for accurately predicting the southern sections of the Northeast would be above-average. Jeers to NOAA for predicting it would be so far above average:
For the country as a whole, NOAA's heating degree day forecast for December through February projects a 4.0 percent warmer winter than the 30-year normal, which is very similar to last winter.So what did we get? A winter that was 0.6% warmer than normal, and much cooler than last winter. When other scientists are this accurate, things blow up and people get sued.
Did these latter-day shamans accurately predict rainfall? Well, here’s what they expected:
As for precipitation, it will be drier than average across the Southwest and the Southeast, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration projected in its winter forecast.
The Ohio and Tennessee Valleys, northern Rockies and Hawaii will be wetter than normal this winter, the agency predicted.Let’s see what the actual precipitation was this last winter:
Winter precipitation was much above average from the Midwest to parts of the West, notably Kansas, Colorado and Utah. Although moderate-to-strong La Niña conditions were present in the equatorial Pacific the winter was unique for the above average rain and snowfall in the Southwest, where La Niña typically brings drier-than-average conditions.Good call on precipitation in the northern Rockies. But in the Southwest it was much wetter than average, and in the Southeast it was an average winter for precipitation. Not so good call there.
Mountain snowpack exceeded 150 percent of average in large parts of Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and Oregon at the end of February. Spring run-off from the above average snowpack in the West is expected to be beneficial in drought plagued areas.
While some areas of the Southeast were wetter than average during the winter, overall precipitation for the region was near average. At the end of February, two-thirds of the Southeast remained in some stage of drought, with more than 25 percent in extreme-to- exceptional drought.
To a casual observer, it seems as if there’s something about rainfall and climate that we don’t understand which is destroying our ability to accurately forecast the weather. But that just couldn’t be, could it?
At least Texas took the NOAA predictions seriously:
Winter temperatures were warmer than average from Texas to the Southeast and along the Eastern Seaboard, while cooler-than-average temperatures stretched from much of the upper Midwest to the West Coast.
Drought conditions intensified in Texas with areas experiencing drought almost doubling from 25 percent at the end of January to 45 percent at the end of February.And environmentalists hate Texas? They should put the whole state on climate change posters like they do with bleak-eyed children to get you to donate to Oxfam.
The bottom line is this: climate experts like to portray themselves as Cassandras, crying out a terrible truth that nobody will believe. But they’re really much more like the little boy who cried wolf.
If you can’t accurately predict next winter from its doorstep, don’t try to sell me a disaster story for what’s coming in ten or twenty or thirty years.
A Simple Explanation
Climate Change deniers are all in a twitter this week because of recent studies showing that there’s not enough heat in the ocean and an allegation that the atmosphere isn’t infinitely thick.
You know what? Climate Change deniers are idiots.
Of course the oceans haven’t warmed! Only fools ever expected that they would. When you want to cool a drink, what do you do? You put in ice cubes. Similarly, millions of tons of ice have slid off the Arctic and Antarctic ice shelves into the oceans, keeping them cool.
Add to those all the frozen polar bear corpses and it’s a miracle that the oceans haven’t frozen up completely.
And as for this whole “newly derived equations” mumbo-jumbo; well, let’s just say that if Jim Cramer can’t figure out math, then there’s no way that some Hungarian bozo is going to suddenly derive equations better than the good old US of A.
Isn’t Hungary the country that put screen doors on their submarines?
Listen, NASA’s been all the way to the moon, so they know very well how deep the atmosphere really is. And the NASA guy says that the 200-year old calculations are good and that there’s not going to be any changes to the basic theory. Case closed, game, set, and match.
Now go buy your Prius and shut up.
You know what? Climate Change deniers are idiots.
Of course the oceans haven’t warmed! Only fools ever expected that they would. When you want to cool a drink, what do you do? You put in ice cubes. Similarly, millions of tons of ice have slid off the Arctic and Antarctic ice shelves into the oceans, keeping them cool.
Add to those all the frozen polar bear corpses and it’s a miracle that the oceans haven’t frozen up completely.
And as for this whole “newly derived equations” mumbo-jumbo; well, let’s just say that if Jim Cramer can’t figure out math, then there’s no way that some Hungarian bozo is going to suddenly derive equations better than the good old US of A.
Isn’t Hungary the country that put screen doors on their submarines?
Listen, NASA’s been all the way to the moon, so they know very well how deep the atmosphere really is. And the NASA guy says that the 200-year old calculations are good and that there’s not going to be any changes to the basic theory. Case closed, game, set, and match.
Now go buy your Prius and shut up.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Change Locally
Suppose you live in a cul-de-sac with 20 family homes, and each home has children. At a neighborhood association meeting one day, someone proposes changing the speed limit on the road from to 15 MPH to protect the children.
Nine families immediately agree; in fact, some of them want the speed limit set to 10 MPH to be extra safe. They pledge that they will drive 15 MPH from now on, regardless of whether or not the motion passes.
Six families disagree. They say they can’t drive that slow on the road because it makes them late to work.
Five don’t own cars, so they mostly agree.
The nine happen to all live on the same side of the street, so they start badgering the lone holdout on their side.
Finally the holdout agrees, but says he’ll drive 15 MPH only if the whole neighborhood does. Otherwise, he refuses to vote for the proposed limit.
The other five refuse again, repeating they simply can’t afford to drive that much slower, but encourage the ten to drive 15 MPH because they’re right that it makes the neighborhood safer.
Angry, the nine families say that the lone holdout on their side is a jerk, but that the other five are good neighbors and upstanding citizens.
Think this sounds like an asinine story?
It’s the UN position on global climate change.
Nine families immediately agree; in fact, some of them want the speed limit set to 10 MPH to be extra safe. They pledge that they will drive 15 MPH from now on, regardless of whether or not the motion passes.
Six families disagree. They say they can’t drive that slow on the road because it makes them late to work.
Five don’t own cars, so they mostly agree.
The nine happen to all live on the same side of the street, so they start badgering the lone holdout on their side.
Finally the holdout agrees, but says he’ll drive 15 MPH only if the whole neighborhood does. Otherwise, he refuses to vote for the proposed limit.
The other five refuse again, repeating they simply can’t afford to drive that much slower, but encourage the ten to drive 15 MPH because they’re right that it makes the neighborhood safer.
Angry, the nine families say that the lone holdout on their side is a jerk, but that the other five are good neighbors and upstanding citizens.
Think this sounds like an asinine story?
It’s the UN position on global climate change.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Carbon Righteousness
Besides the boom in business for private airstrips, luxury hotels, and discount brothels, one of the best tools to come out of the Bali Conference on Global Warming has got to be this little nugget from the breakout session called "Defining 21st Century Righteousness." So without further ado, I present to you the:
All-Purpose Carbon Righteousness Scale
The following lifestyles are rated from 0 (Earth Murderer) to 100 (Eco-Saint). Simply find which case most closely matches your own, and you will know the degree of carbon righteousness which you possess. In order to improve your righteousness, all you have to do is make some small lifestyle adjustments.
0) Divorced living separately with college-aged children, all have cars, both parents working, all members enjoy hot showers
10) Married living together with children of any age
20) Divorced, but now living with new paramours, never had any children
30) Married living together without children and with no plans to have children, preferably sterilized
31) Anybody who has ever had children can't be higher than 31 because they're killing the planet slowly by spreading their seed
40) Recycle everything from bottles to used condoms, never eat GM food, use public transportation no more than twice a week (otherwise foot-power), work for a socially responsible corporation, does not have indoor plumbing
50) Group love-fest with no commitments, freaky sexual exploration, and Planned Parenthood on speed-dial
60) Actor, director, or politician who risks being ostracized by taking the dangerous stance that "we've got to wake up and do something about climate change", regardless of actual personal behavior or comportment
70) Humorless natural-fabric wearing scold who eats locally grown food from a co-op and takes only cold showers every other month
80) Local co-op grower who adopts orphans, raises them not to reproduce, drives a bio-diesel car, pocket mulches, and chains himself naked to something every other month in order to keep the military/industrial complex from destroying the planet
85) The Chinese get to be here automatically because they're still keeping the communist dream alive
90) Should-be president touring world speaking out against climate change via private jet maintaining several palatial mansions
100) Unwashed sterilized lesbian vegan commune living in a cave
All-Purpose Carbon Righteousness Scale
The following lifestyles are rated from 0 (Earth Murderer) to 100 (Eco-Saint). Simply find which case most closely matches your own, and you will know the degree of carbon righteousness which you possess. In order to improve your righteousness, all you have to do is make some small lifestyle adjustments.
0) Divorced living separately with college-aged children, all have cars, both parents working, all members enjoy hot showers
10) Married living together with children of any age
20) Divorced, but now living with new paramours, never had any children
30) Married living together without children and with no plans to have children, preferably sterilized
31) Anybody who has ever had children can't be higher than 31 because they're killing the planet slowly by spreading their seed
40) Recycle everything from bottles to used condoms, never eat GM food, use public transportation no more than twice a week (otherwise foot-power), work for a socially responsible corporation, does not have indoor plumbing
50) Group love-fest with no commitments, freaky sexual exploration, and Planned Parenthood on speed-dial
60) Actor, director, or politician who risks being ostracized by taking the dangerous stance that "we've got to wake up and do something about climate change", regardless of actual personal behavior or comportment
70) Humorless natural-fabric wearing scold who eats locally grown food from a co-op and takes only cold showers every other month
80) Local co-op grower who adopts orphans, raises them not to reproduce, drives a bio-diesel car, pocket mulches, and chains himself naked to something every other month in order to keep the military/industrial complex from destroying the planet
85) The Chinese get to be here automatically because they're still keeping the communist dream alive
90) Should-be president touring world speaking out against climate change via private jet maintaining several palatial mansions
100) Unwashed sterilized lesbian vegan commune living in a cave
Monday, November 5, 2007
Eco Mad Libs!
Here’s a fun little Mad Lib for you to do with your friends. I based it on a ridiculous article in USA Today, titled something like “Climate Change will Hit Kids Hardest.” In order to save journalists and alarmists time, this simple form can be used to prepare a boilerplate article about the upcoming eco-doom that will destroy us all.
Simply fill in the following:
(1) Organization
(2) Major Award
(3) Extinct Animal
(4) Animal
(5) Five Random Letters
(6) Industry you like
(7) Industry that you don’t like
(8) Chemical Element
(9) Disease
(10) Type of Death
(11) Country You Admire
(12) Native People of Any Region
(13) Musical Instrument
(14) Lucrative Industry
(15) Country You Hate
(16) Two Types of Natural Disaster
(17) Color
(18) Number between 1 and 100
Now the fun begins:
Report: Climate Change Disaster Sooner, Not Later
A report issued last week by the ________(1) stated that the threat of climate change was “much farther advanced than anyone expected” and warned of impending and irreversible disaster unless “immediate and drastic steps are taken to alleviate this dire threat to human civilization.”
Al Gore, winner of ________(2), said that the report did not surprise him at all. “We know that anthropomorphic climate change already claimed the ________(3), and it gravely threatens the ________(4).”
Hunt Gushman, of ________(5), said that the report didn’t go far enough in recommending changes. “We need to do make major steps in every sector of our economy. Although we’ve done well in ________(6), there are a lot of areas where we’re falling behind. One example is in ________(7), where we still emit massive amounts of ________(8), which some studies have shown cause ________(9) and an increased risk of fatality from ________(10) in surrounding communities, especially among children.”
The report said that one example for other countries to follow could be found in ________(11), where the native population of ________(12) has been encouraged to expand their traditional production of ________(13) in place of more ecologically destructive activities, such as casino gambling or ________(14).
But a spokesman for ________(15) blasted the report, saying that it was “naïve and unhelpful” in the discussion of global climate change. However, their comments were dismissed since they are known deniers of the clear science that has shown an increase of ________(16) in the past 20 years due to human activity.
“We’re living on borrowed time, and I’m ________(17) with fear,” said Gore. “The Earth has been here for billions of years, but thanks to us there’s only ________(18) years left until total meltdown.”
------------------Cut Here--------------------------------------------
Here’s an example of a completed Eco-Mad-Lib:
Report: Climate Change Disaster Sooner, Not Later
A report issued last week by the Meat Advisory Council stated that the threat of climate change was “much farther advanced than anyone expected” and warned of impending and irreversible disaster unless “immediate and drastic steps are taken to alleviate this dire threat to human civilization.”
Al Gore, winner of the BET Entertainer of the Year, said that the report did not surprise him at all. “We know that anthropomorphic climate change already claimed the Tyrannosaurus Rex, and it gravely threatens the Blue-Footed Boobie.”
Hunt Gushman, of ASPCA, said that the report didn’t go far enough in recommending changes. “We need to do make major steps in every sector of our economy. Although we’ve done well in Portable Toilet Transport, there are a lot of areas where we’re falling behind. One example is in Tennis Court Resurfacing, where we still emit massive amounts of Antimony, which some studies have shown cause Scabies and an increased risk of fatality from Autoerotic Asphyxiation in surrounding communities, especially among children.”
The report said that one example for other countries to follow could be found in Liechtenstein, where the native population of Inuit has been encouraged to expand their traditional production of Ukuleles in place of more ecologically destructive activities, such as casino gambling or Software Programming.
But a spokesman for Djibouti blasted the report, saying that it was “naïve and unhelpful” in the discussion of global climate change. However, their comments were dismissed since they are known deniers of the clear science that has shown an increase of Volcanic Eruption and Cicada Infestation in the past 20 years due to human activity.
“We’re living on borrowed time, and I’m Yellow with fear,” said Gore. “The Earth has been here for billions of years, but thanks to us there’s only 21 years left until total meltdown.”
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Global Warming Strikes Neptune
Stockholm, Sweden: Alarmed scientists today issued the sternest warning yet on Anthropomorphic Global Warming, saying that it’s responsible for climactic impact even on the furthest planet from the sun, Neptune.
Susan Robbins, head of the Astronomical Scientific Society to Halt Anthropomorphic Terraforming (ASS-HAT), said today that “Recent data shows us massive heating and methane releases at the southern pole of Neptune, whereas before there was nothing. Since it’s currently in the part of its orbit that brings it closer to Earth, it’s clear that this methane is anthropomorphically caused by people on Earth driving big cars and eating too much reindeer meat.”
Tim Sarandon, vice-president of ASS-HAT, said that “In the 19th scientist found that Venus was a pleasant, cloud-covered plant; then in the 20th fossil fuel burning turned it into a volcanic inferno. Scientists discovered that Mars had canals in the early 20th century, but they’ve all dried up since NASA started driving their intergalactic Hummer around up there. Is it any surprise that we’ve turned Neptune into a hellhole as well?”
Frunk Strüpenbeydenhöfflern, head of the Nobel Prize Decision Committee and the European coordinator for ASS-HAT, issued a statement saying “AGW is the greatest threat to the world today. That’s why we’re currently debating whether to give Al Gore two or three Nobel Prizes for his work in increasing public knowledge about the coming crisis. Also, the committee understands that he needs help paying for his utilities and covering the parking fees for his private plane.”
Sally Stropthers, a whiny linguaphile holding a “Bush No Good!” sign outside of the meetings, said she was concerned about AGW impacts on linguistic decline. “We’re running out of languages to use to call George Bush an Earth murderer. Just think of the culture that is draining out of the planet every two weeks. Impeach Bush, the real terrorist!”
Susan Robbins, head of the Astronomical Scientific Society to Halt Anthropomorphic Terraforming (ASS-HAT), said today that “Recent data shows us massive heating and methane releases at the southern pole of Neptune, whereas before there was nothing. Since it’s currently in the part of its orbit that brings it closer to Earth, it’s clear that this methane is anthropomorphically caused by people on Earth driving big cars and eating too much reindeer meat.”
Tim Sarandon, vice-president of ASS-HAT, said that “In the 19th scientist found that Venus was a pleasant, cloud-covered plant; then in the 20th fossil fuel burning turned it into a volcanic inferno. Scientists discovered that Mars had canals in the early 20th century, but they’ve all dried up since NASA started driving their intergalactic Hummer around up there. Is it any surprise that we’ve turned Neptune into a hellhole as well?”
Frunk Strüpenbeydenhöfflern, head of the Nobel Prize Decision Committee and the European coordinator for ASS-HAT, issued a statement saying “AGW is the greatest threat to the world today. That’s why we’re currently debating whether to give Al Gore two or three Nobel Prizes for his work in increasing public knowledge about the coming crisis. Also, the committee understands that he needs help paying for his utilities and covering the parking fees for his private plane.”
Sally Stropthers, a whiny linguaphile holding a “Bush No Good!” sign outside of the meetings, said she was concerned about AGW impacts on linguistic decline. “We’re running out of languages to use to call George Bush an Earth murderer. Just think of the culture that is draining out of the planet every two weeks. Impeach Bush, the real terrorist!”
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
But Why is Flanagan's Boat Named Barrabas?
One of the perks of having a blog is that people take you a lot more seriously than they should, given that you're likely just some half-wit taking a mental break from his day job. How else could I explain that Adrian Flanagan's manager, Louise, took time from her busy day to send me a longish (and very polite, I might add) correction to this post.
Given that I called her ex-husband a "moron-turned-yachtsman", her tone was quite cordial. I'd have forgiven her a few expletives, quite frankly. I guess she probably spent the better part of a day cutting and pasting the explanation to mail out to various bloggers who have ridiculed her husband, thanks to this (apparently) originally incorrect source. But it was personalized, so I know she read my original post (and, really, hits are hits).
Turns out, according to Ms. Flanagan (and the official expedition website here, with expedition news also here) that the voyage has nothing to do with global warming at all:
But he ran into some technical trouble. What follows is her explanation; I'm not in any way qualified to comment on it. I'm the son of a sailor, yet a landlubber myself:
So now he's actually ahead of schedule, she says, and waiting for the ice to clear up so he can go on:
She says an accurate synopsis can be seen here.
One question: why is the boat named Barrabas? Was it due to be sunk, only to have another boat sunk in its place and it freed to make a vertical circumnavigation of the globe?
Anyways, I apologize for calling Adrian Flanagan names. That's the problem with blogging: you can mock somebody at the speed of light, but when you're wrong, all you've done is accelerate the speed at which you make yourself an ass.
Best of luck to Adrian, and I hope he succeeds in his goal of vertical circumnavigation.
Given that I called her ex-husband a "moron-turned-yachtsman", her tone was quite cordial. I'd have forgiven her a few expletives, quite frankly. I guess she probably spent the better part of a day cutting and pasting the explanation to mail out to various bloggers who have ridiculed her husband, thanks to this (apparently) originally incorrect source. But it was personalized, so I know she read my original post (and, really, hits are hits).
Turns out, according to Ms. Flanagan (and the official expedition website here, with expedition news also here) that the voyage has nothing to do with global warming at all:
My ex-husband Adrian Flanagan sailed from Britain in October 2005 in a titanium steel sloop Barrabas at the start of an epic attempt to make the first vertical circumnavigation by sea in history, by any sailor, or crew, in any kind of boat.
But he ran into some technical trouble. What follows is her explanation; I'm not in any way qualified to comment on it. I'm the son of a sailor, yet a landlubber myself:
Failure of the prop shaft cutless bearing approaching the Aleutians - can only be replaced by taking the boat out of the water, or using a diver - required him to divert to Nome, Alaska for the failed bearing to be replaced. That, together with early reforming of ice in the Arctic, meant the boat had to be stored ashore in Nome for the Winter of 2006/7.
So now he's actually ahead of schedule, she says, and waiting for the ice to clear up so he can go on:
He arrived at his planned holding point half way along the NSR three weeks ahead of schedule. He has been holding, waiting for a promised brief window of opportunity to pass through the PVK Strait. He, the Russians, and everyone else with any knowledge knew this section of the route would be extremely difficult. MDA/KSAT are providing daily high definition satellite images and the Russian Arctic Research Institute AARI is providing expert interpretation, with the Russian Western Arctic Marine Operations HQ in Murmansk providing NSR support.
She says an accurate synopsis can be seen here.
One question: why is the boat named Barrabas? Was it due to be sunk, only to have another boat sunk in its place and it freed to make a vertical circumnavigation of the globe?
Anyways, I apologize for calling Adrian Flanagan names. That's the problem with blogging: you can mock somebody at the speed of light, but when you're wrong, all you've done is accelerate the speed at which you make yourself an ass.
Best of luck to Adrian, and I hope he succeeds in his goal of vertical circumnavigation.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Discredit, disgrace, defund
That’s the only reasonable reaction to the latest news on the Global Warming data and the shameful behavior of NASA and GISS scientists. What else can you say when scientists massage data to fit their theory?
If the issues put forth by McIntyre are true*, then everyone involved in this nonsense needs to have their credentials irreparably tarnished and their careers ended. Not tomorrow, today. These jackasses should never research, teach, write, lecture, nor be involved in the sciences ever again. I’m not even sure they should be allowed to continue to use running water.
I’ve ridiculed global warming alarmism, and I’ve always been skeptical about the data that we had: the amount of it, its reliability, and its overall statistical robustness. But I didn’t think they’d be actively altering unpleasant data to make it fit their ends. That’s criminal; it’s certainly not science.
Think I’m being harsh? If a stock analyst falsified data on a fund and defrauded investors, he’d be prosecuted. If a surgeon lied about the results of a procedure and it was performed on thousands of people, he’d be in jail and lose his license.
These happy fraudsters pushed fake data and junk science on us and tried to change the political, economical, and moral fabric of the entire world to fit their druidic ideas of purity and enlightenment. How much time, effort, and energy has been wasted on global climate change that could have gone to something useful?
Worse, they swept up gullible millions along with them. They’ve damaged relations between the US and Europe, inflated the price of oil (thus funneling money to terrorists), encouraged the creation of a European CO2-trading scheme only slightly less complicated than a manned mission to Mars, and distracted millions of dollars in capital and research from more important projects like cures for cancer or direct-to-iPhone porn.
But their true triumvirate of malfeasance was spawned from their unholy alliance with Hollywood:
1) An Inconvenient Truth, responsible for lowering the IQs of schoolchildren all across the United States
2) The Day After Tomorrow, which stole 124 minutes from the lives of millions of moviegoers across the world which they can never have back. It’s the greatest theft of time since Born on the 4th of July.
3) Live Earth, starring the Allman Brothers and jazz great Dizzy Gillespie, which would have interrupted the schedules of millions had it not been broadcast on NBC (total audience 412 crotchety old cranks)
For all those scientists out there who just patently accepted their junk, without adequate peer review or running the numbers themselves, shame on you. As a community, we’re supposed to be better than that. Thanks for damaging scientific credibility and dragging us closer to where politicians and journalists are.
You would hope that we’d advanced past rushing into mistakes like phrenology and eugenics, but something like this shows that we haven’t moved as far as we might like.
* In the interest of disclosure, there’s a link to Daily Dollop from Watts Up With That, an associate of the guy (McIntyre) who has done this research. It actually brought me lots of traffic. But I’ve never communicated with the site proprietor that I know of.
If the issues put forth by McIntyre are true*, then everyone involved in this nonsense needs to have their credentials irreparably tarnished and their careers ended. Not tomorrow, today. These jackasses should never research, teach, write, lecture, nor be involved in the sciences ever again. I’m not even sure they should be allowed to continue to use running water.
I’ve ridiculed global warming alarmism, and I’ve always been skeptical about the data that we had: the amount of it, its reliability, and its overall statistical robustness. But I didn’t think they’d be actively altering unpleasant data to make it fit their ends. That’s criminal; it’s certainly not science.
Think I’m being harsh? If a stock analyst falsified data on a fund and defrauded investors, he’d be prosecuted. If a surgeon lied about the results of a procedure and it was performed on thousands of people, he’d be in jail and lose his license.
These happy fraudsters pushed fake data and junk science on us and tried to change the political, economical, and moral fabric of the entire world to fit their druidic ideas of purity and enlightenment. How much time, effort, and energy has been wasted on global climate change that could have gone to something useful?
Worse, they swept up gullible millions along with them. They’ve damaged relations between the US and Europe, inflated the price of oil (thus funneling money to terrorists), encouraged the creation of a European CO2-trading scheme only slightly less complicated than a manned mission to Mars, and distracted millions of dollars in capital and research from more important projects like cures for cancer or direct-to-iPhone porn.
But their true triumvirate of malfeasance was spawned from their unholy alliance with Hollywood:
1) An Inconvenient Truth, responsible for lowering the IQs of schoolchildren all across the United States
2) The Day After Tomorrow, which stole 124 minutes from the lives of millions of moviegoers across the world which they can never have back. It’s the greatest theft of time since Born on the 4th of July.
3) Live Earth, starring the Allman Brothers and jazz great Dizzy Gillespie, which would have interrupted the schedules of millions had it not been broadcast on NBC (total audience 412 crotchety old cranks)
For all those scientists out there who just patently accepted their junk, without adequate peer review or running the numbers themselves, shame on you. As a community, we’re supposed to be better than that. Thanks for damaging scientific credibility and dragging us closer to where politicians and journalists are.
You would hope that we’d advanced past rushing into mistakes like phrenology and eugenics, but something like this shows that we haven’t moved as far as we might like.
* In the interest of disclosure, there’s a link to Daily Dollop from Watts Up With That, an associate of the guy (McIntyre) who has done this research. It actually brought me lots of traffic. But I’ve never communicated with the site proprietor that I know of.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Listen to Al Gore for Once
I agree with Al Gore 100% when he says that there’s a huge public misinformation campaign going on regarding global warming. He’s dead-on in his criticisms of these despicable charlatans. Consider the facts:
1) A movie, released in mid-2006 with excellent box office receipts and an Oscar to boot, that has been shown in schools across the US and the world. This movie has some small problems with its scientific accuracy, some inflated claims, and some outright lies. Gore’s right when he says that there’s propaganda being spread, and it’s doubly damning that it’s aimed at children who don’t know what their trusted professors are pushing down their throats.
2) Funding for this effort is, at best, somewhat nebulous. There are legitimate claims that those who run this effort (we’ll call them the Sinister Cabal) are heavily interested in lining their own pockets. There’s some doubt about the trustworthiness of those at the top of the Sinister Cabal, and worse, there’s some doubt about the efficacy of the methods that the Sinister Cabal prescribes to treat the problem that it identifies. Physician, heal thyself indeed.
3) The front man for this effort is clearly a tremendous hypocrite, exhorting the worst of “not for me but for thee” mindset that is so damaging to any noble cause. He lives an extravagant lifestyle while telling others to go without in order to be more pure.
But take heart: despite the hours and hours of coverage being donated, free of charge, by mindless network executives events by these bozos are complete failures, their ratings a smoking crater in any network that dares to touch them.
So hopefully the public will continue to resist these climate Svengalis.
1) A movie, released in mid-2006 with excellent box office receipts and an Oscar to boot, that has been shown in schools across the US and the world. This movie has some small problems with its scientific accuracy, some inflated claims, and some outright lies. Gore’s right when he says that there’s propaganda being spread, and it’s doubly damning that it’s aimed at children who don’t know what their trusted professors are pushing down their throats.
2) Funding for this effort is, at best, somewhat nebulous. There are legitimate claims that those who run this effort (we’ll call them the Sinister Cabal) are heavily interested in lining their own pockets. There’s some doubt about the trustworthiness of those at the top of the Sinister Cabal, and worse, there’s some doubt about the efficacy of the methods that the Sinister Cabal prescribes to treat the problem that it identifies. Physician, heal thyself indeed.
3) The front man for this effort is clearly a tremendous hypocrite, exhorting the worst of “not for me but for thee” mindset that is so damaging to any noble cause. He lives an extravagant lifestyle while telling others to go without in order to be more pure.
But take heart: despite the hours and hours of coverage being donated, free of charge, by mindless network executives events by these bozos are complete failures, their ratings a smoking crater in any network that dares to touch them.
So hopefully the public will continue to resist these climate Svengalis.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Environmental Terms Explained
As a continuing public service, I would like to now explain some common terms thrown around by the environmental movement. These should help you to understand some of the technical jargon that has come to dominate the global climate change movement.
Advocates: Also called Messengers; people who have received 4 hours of Powerpoint training
Anthropomorphic: Caused by the United States
Carbon Footprint: Calculation to determine the degree to which you are a bad person
Climate Change: Any trend in warming, cooling, drought, flooding, dandruff, etc. which can be attributed to the United States
Climate: See Weather
CO2: Dangerous gas that has increased since industrialization and tracks poorly with GMST
Coal: Evil rock that, when combined with man’s ancient nemesis fire, creates CO2; also called Brimstone in some sources
Data: Numbers which can be used to prove preconceived theories about the state of the planet
Economic Activity: Dangerous actions which increase Emissions by distracting Emitters from the guilt associated by their Carbon Footprint; these are often the main target of protests by Advocates
Emissions: Deadly gasses including, but not limited to, CO2, H2S, SOx, NOx, H2O, and FOX
Emitter: Any person or entity who does anything for any reason; Emitters are bad
Global Mean Surface Temperature (GMST): Average temperature of the surface of the Earth as calculated by a variety of measures; has risen consistently in response to rising CO2 levels in the atmosphere, except for those years when it hasn’t
Hurricanes: Destructive storms whose frequency and intensity are greater when GMST is either higher or lower than normal
Hydrogen Economy: Unproven and technologically infeasible solutions to all world energy problems
Industry: Organizations dedicated to increasing Emissions
Kyoto Treaty: International pact that would make the world a modern-day utopia; cancelled by President George W. Bush over the objections from the US congress, the electorate, the international community, and the AP
Modeling: Scaremongering via computers
Offsets: Way for Emitters to alleviate guilt over their Carbon Footprint by transferring money to Reducers
Outliers: Numbers which do not fit preconceived theories about the state of the planet
Reason: Emotionally-based decision making process
Reducers: People who take money from Emitters and spend it to increase their own Emissions by engaging in Economic Activity
Scientific Consensus: The opinion of scientists who want to continue to receive grants for their work
Sun: Large orange object in the sky that has no impact on Climate or Weather
Weather: See Climate
Advocates: Also called Messengers; people who have received 4 hours of Powerpoint training
Anthropomorphic: Caused by the United States
Carbon Footprint: Calculation to determine the degree to which you are a bad person
Climate Change: Any trend in warming, cooling, drought, flooding, dandruff, etc. which can be attributed to the United States
Climate: See Weather
CO2: Dangerous gas that has increased since industrialization and tracks poorly with GMST
Coal: Evil rock that, when combined with man’s ancient nemesis fire, creates CO2; also called Brimstone in some sources
Data: Numbers which can be used to prove preconceived theories about the state of the planet
Economic Activity: Dangerous actions which increase Emissions by distracting Emitters from the guilt associated by their Carbon Footprint; these are often the main target of protests by Advocates
Emissions: Deadly gasses including, but not limited to, CO2, H2S, SOx, NOx, H2O, and FOX
Emitter: Any person or entity who does anything for any reason; Emitters are bad
Global Mean Surface Temperature (GMST): Average temperature of the surface of the Earth as calculated by a variety of measures; has risen consistently in response to rising CO2 levels in the atmosphere, except for those years when it hasn’t
Hurricanes: Destructive storms whose frequency and intensity are greater when GMST is either higher or lower than normal
Hydrogen Economy: Unproven and technologically infeasible solutions to all world energy problems
Industry: Organizations dedicated to increasing Emissions
Kyoto Treaty: International pact that would make the world a modern-day utopia; cancelled by President George W. Bush over the objections from the US congress, the electorate, the international community, and the AP
Modeling: Scaremongering via computers
Offsets: Way for Emitters to alleviate guilt over their Carbon Footprint by transferring money to Reducers
Outliers: Numbers which do not fit preconceived theories about the state of the planet
Reason: Emotionally-based decision making process
Reducers: People who take money from Emitters and spend it to increase their own Emissions by engaging in Economic Activity
Scientific Consensus: The opinion of scientists who want to continue to receive grants for their work
Sun: Large orange object in the sky that has no impact on Climate or Weather
Weather: See Climate
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Al Gore Blames Republicans for Politicization of Climate Change
At a speech today in Germany US Environment Activist Al Gore decried the politicization of the debate on global climate change, saying that “Republicans have ignored and politicized this discussion for too long, because they don’t care about the environment and they want to drown everybody who lives on the coasts.”
Warming to his topic, he continued. “Republicans know that their voting base is inbred hicks in the hills, while sophisticated coastal urbanites see them for the reptilian monsters they are. So they are trying to increase CO2 emissions so that the ice caps melt and bring floods and hungry polar bears into every city on the coast.”
Gore noted that no reputable scientist disputes his contention that sea levels will rise twenty meters and bring a new apocalypse to the world. “There are a few disreputable scientists who might speak out against my models, but they’re crackpots.” Gore said. “I understand that Michael Crichton doesn’t believe me, but he’s immoral and vile and wants to destroy humans with a plague of dinosaurs, so he’s not to be trusted. Besides, he’s just an author with no education, while I’ve been a dedicated public servant for almost three decades. Who are you going to trust?”
“Every scientist now agrees completely with me, and it’s time to take politics out of the equation.” Gore said. “The best way to do that is to elect me president of the United States.”
Asked if he was announcing that he sought the US presidency, Gore was noncommittal. “I don’t want to get into a whole political discussion or distract from my true passion, the moral imperative that we save the world. But if enough people want to write my name in and draft me to run, I would consider it, but only for a party that was environmentally responsible and wanted to keep the world from slipping into an age of hothouse horror. So the Republicans are out, because everybody knows that they just want to emit more greenhouse gas and kill everybody and burn poor people as fuel.”
He also announced a new, non-political website that would help people understand the dangers of global climate change at: www.votegore4prez2008.org.
Warming to his topic, he continued. “Republicans know that their voting base is inbred hicks in the hills, while sophisticated coastal urbanites see them for the reptilian monsters they are. So they are trying to increase CO2 emissions so that the ice caps melt and bring floods and hungry polar bears into every city on the coast.”
Gore noted that no reputable scientist disputes his contention that sea levels will rise twenty meters and bring a new apocalypse to the world. “There are a few disreputable scientists who might speak out against my models, but they’re crackpots.” Gore said. “I understand that Michael Crichton doesn’t believe me, but he’s immoral and vile and wants to destroy humans with a plague of dinosaurs, so he’s not to be trusted. Besides, he’s just an author with no education, while I’ve been a dedicated public servant for almost three decades. Who are you going to trust?”
“Every scientist now agrees completely with me, and it’s time to take politics out of the equation.” Gore said. “The best way to do that is to elect me president of the United States.”
Asked if he was announcing that he sought the US presidency, Gore was noncommittal. “I don’t want to get into a whole political discussion or distract from my true passion, the moral imperative that we save the world. But if enough people want to write my name in and draft me to run, I would consider it, but only for a party that was environmentally responsible and wanted to keep the world from slipping into an age of hothouse horror. So the Republicans are out, because everybody knows that they just want to emit more greenhouse gas and kill everybody and burn poor people as fuel.”
He also announced a new, non-political website that would help people understand the dangers of global climate change at: www.votegore4prez2008.org.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Bigfoot No More?
Prominent environmental groups today declared April 1 a “National Day of Mourning” for the loss of another species to global climate change. Researchers today confirmed that there are no surviving members either in the wild or in captivity of the genus Homo Erectus Hirsutus, also known as the Pacific Bigfoot.
Chet Bellweather, Chief Researcher of the Pacific Bigfoot Resource Centre, confirmed that they now believe the small population of Bigfoot still remaining in the Pacific Northwest had finally become extinct. “Sightings have been decreasing for years,” he said. “Thirty five years ago we’d get five or six sightings a week during the spring, with at least one car accident involving a Bigfoot every month. In 2000 we only had two sightings, and we haven’t heard anything since early Fall 2002 when some hikers saw a baby Bigfoot get eaten by a bear.”
“This magnificent species has been on the edge for years,” said Kathy Viracocha, president of Hooray for Animals!, a California NGO that aims to promote public awareness of animal habitat destruction. “Deforestation, human encroachment on their natural territory, and the increasing loss of their main food sources have stricken this once-noble species, possibly our nearest evolutionary ancestor, from the catalogue of biodiversity. Mankind’s genocidal urges simply cannot be sated: first the dodo bird, then unicorns, and now Bigfoot.”
“Clearly this is once again the birds of man-made climate change coming home to roost.” Al Gore stated through a press release. “Bigfeet were designed for colder weather: big mukluk-type feet, lots of hair, and a diet that mainly consisted of evergreen needles and pine cones. But now we come along with SUVs and private planes and zinc mines and drive them to extinction. Mark my words: a great reckoning is coming, and we can only hope that Mother Nature is kinder to us that we have been to the Bigfeet!”
Asked about the condition of other endangered fantastic megaflora, Bellweather was similarly pessimistic. “The Yeti, Bigfoot’s Asian cousin, has been hanging on the edge of extinction for some time as well. And I’ve been getting pessimistic reports from Scottish colleagues about the numbers of Loch Ness Monsters sighted over the past few years. Few people realize how fragile these animals are. In a rare success story, since their successful introduction in the US in the 80’s Leprechauns appear to be out of danger.”
Bellweather added sadly that, “Of course, back in ‘72 I’d have said the same thing about Bigfoots. You just never know, do you?”
Chet Bellweather, Chief Researcher of the Pacific Bigfoot Resource Centre, confirmed that they now believe the small population of Bigfoot still remaining in the Pacific Northwest had finally become extinct. “Sightings have been decreasing for years,” he said. “Thirty five years ago we’d get five or six sightings a week during the spring, with at least one car accident involving a Bigfoot every month. In 2000 we only had two sightings, and we haven’t heard anything since early Fall 2002 when some hikers saw a baby Bigfoot get eaten by a bear.”
“This magnificent species has been on the edge for years,” said Kathy Viracocha, president of Hooray for Animals!, a California NGO that aims to promote public awareness of animal habitat destruction. “Deforestation, human encroachment on their natural territory, and the increasing loss of their main food sources have stricken this once-noble species, possibly our nearest evolutionary ancestor, from the catalogue of biodiversity. Mankind’s genocidal urges simply cannot be sated: first the dodo bird, then unicorns, and now Bigfoot.”
“Clearly this is once again the birds of man-made climate change coming home to roost.” Al Gore stated through a press release. “Bigfeet were designed for colder weather: big mukluk-type feet, lots of hair, and a diet that mainly consisted of evergreen needles and pine cones. But now we come along with SUVs and private planes and zinc mines and drive them to extinction. Mark my words: a great reckoning is coming, and we can only hope that Mother Nature is kinder to us that we have been to the Bigfeet!”
Asked about the condition of other endangered fantastic megaflora, Bellweather was similarly pessimistic. “The Yeti, Bigfoot’s Asian cousin, has been hanging on the edge of extinction for some time as well. And I’ve been getting pessimistic reports from Scottish colleagues about the numbers of Loch Ness Monsters sighted over the past few years. Few people realize how fragile these animals are. In a rare success story, since their successful introduction in the US in the 80’s Leprechauns appear to be out of danger.”
Bellweather added sadly that, “Of course, back in ‘72 I’d have said the same thing about Bigfoots. You just never know, do you?”
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