Thursday, April 10, 2008

Environmentalists: Zanns in a Janna world

You know what occurred to me the other day? Environmentalists are all just like the Wondertwin Zann. You remember him, the dickhead who was always sure that the key to defeating the giant alien monster was to transform into a bucket of water? Only numb-nuts never actually brought the bucket; he had to rely on Gleep to have one to catch his sorry ass before he went down the drain?

Similarly, environmentalists love to write these stories about how water levels will rise and we’ll all die in a giant tidal wave of doom unless we activate some utterly unworkable solution of dubious merit, like eradicating the world economy and forcing a massive human die-off.

Um, dipshits? Even if you’re correct (which I doubt), the water’s not going to come tomorrow. And as it comes, we’ll fix it. For example, there’s this fantastic new device called a dike that can be used to REPEL WATER!

I’ll grant you that it’s a technology in its infancy, having only been used about four centuries in the Netherlands, but using advanced computer models and giant government subsidies I’m sure we’ll come up with some stopgap applications to keep us all from drowning.

See, I’m a Janna at heart: I don’t care what the threat is, I figure if I transform into a Zorgonian Forty-Ton Laser Rhinoceros, I can at least severely wound it, if not outright kill it. If my dipshit tagalong thinks that a giant popsicle is the way to go; well, good luck with that, but don’t count on me transforming into a Pitonian Humming Beetle just because you suggested it.

The worst is the politicians, who are all Gleeps at heart: always causing trouble and helping dumbass Zann with his half-cocked schemes by carrying the bucket, or sticking their noses in to help him transform into something utterly useless.

The least you could all do is just get out of the way and let us Jannas go to work. If there’s a problem, we’ll fix it.

Or at least severely wound it.

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