Monday, April 14, 2008

The Vasectomy Chronicles

A year ago my wife and I decided that it was time to get the final solution. That’s right: it was time for me to get a vasectomy. Like a good husband, I immediately began working on it. I got the number of a urologist and then didn’t call, because I sure as heck don’t want somebody cutting on my testicles.

Fast forward to this weekend, when my wife gave me this delightful ultimatum while cutting vegetables for dinner on Sunday: “you’ve got three options: you call the doctor tomorrow, we stop having sex, or you drop your pants right now and get this taken care of.”

Needless to say, I called the doctor today. Now, you have to understand that we live in Europe, home to socialized medicine and forty-minute waits just to buy something in the grocery store. So what’s the likelihood that there’s a doctor waiting to perform vasectomies on demand? I was feeling pretty smug, I tell you.

You know what? Turns out that not only is Doctor Nuttencutt available, he can see me THIS AFTERNOON for a consultation! I’m freaking out now.

But honestly, what is the likelihood that I’ll be getting cut on within the next six months? Pretty low, I’m thinking.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Be sure to ask about "granuloma". And your follow up question should be if you have to pay again if the first cuts don't do the job. It happens...

S. Weasel said...

Europe? I wouldn't count on a lengthy reprieve. Somehow, they can always find resources for sterilization.

I had a granuloma (three, in fact) in my lung. I don't want to know what possible relationship that has to testicles.

Anonymous said...

Yes, they probably will be able to schedule the procedure within the next couple weeks. It takes all of ten minutes, if that, and it's a trivial outpatient procedure that even many GPs perform (although I would certainly recommend a urologist).

Don't listen to the two idiots above. I had the snip over a year ago and it was fine, I was back in business in no time at all. I do recommend the "no-scalpel" procedure if your doc provides it; it is a piece of cake and heals invisibly within a couple weeks. No serious pain, just a slight ache that I took a total of two Tylenol for.

As for "granulomas" (ooh, scarrry), no it has nothing to do with the lungs. I briefly developed a tiny sperm granuloma on my tubes that went away on its own. That's not unusual, it's barely noticable unless you are feeling for it, and painless.

Your wife has the right idea and more men should be stepping up to this. Vasectomy is simple and foolproof if you can follow basic instructions. Just wank a lot before your first sample and it will be clear. Stop being such a whiner.

s. weasel said...

WTF are you, the Vasectomy Fairy?

Granulomas are little nodules. They're associated with a lot of diseases, most commonly TB: a lung disease, unless you're in the habit of whistlin' out your winkie.

Anonymous said...

sweasel: wtf are you, the Misinformation Faerie? Where did you get your degree in urology? When did you talk to a real doctor about vasectomies?

The term "granuloma" is generic, much like the english word "lump." Sperm granulomas associated with vasectomy have NOTHING to do with granulomas involved in lung or other diseases. They are harmless, almost always resolve on their own, rarely cause any discomfort whatsoever, and in the tiny proportion of cases where they do, they are easily removed. That's fact, that's my experience, and if you were to go to a reliable site like pubmed and search for "sperm granuloma" and "vasectomy" you would find that this is the case. I'll take a doctor's advice over some random crap spewed on the internet.