Friday, April 4, 2008

Enough is Enough

It is time for us to stop pretending that we’re not at war and get serious about ending the most dangerous threat ever to face our great nation. We’ve shrugged off attack after attack on our military and our civilian infrastructure, and the only thing our tolerance has brought us is more hatred.

That’s right: it’s time to destroy all the animals. We can no longer turn the other cheek and listen to the mealy-mouthed liberals who want to let them take our way of life from us.

We’ve known this day was coming since the day that a deranged rabbit tried to kill President Carter. I don’t care how incompetent the president is, I don’t want some scraggly-assed savage taking shots at him without experiencing extreme retribution.

Fortunately Carter managed to escape the bucktoothed agent of death, but can we take a chance that our other elected officials will be so lucky? In India, the deputy mayor of Delhi was killed by wild monkeys. Our clear impotence at their outrageous attacks on our key allies only emboldens them further.

Worse, some traitors in the US try to foist upon us that these animals are peaceful, or even worse, scarce! In a recent holiday, rabbits were portrayed as pink, fluffy, candy-leaving agents of world peace. In reality, they are hissing, buck-toothed assassins who want to tear your throat out and eat your children.

These savages know no bounds or decency: in Boston a schoolgirl is savagely attacked by an angry hawk, which tried to pull her brain out of her head in front of horrified classmates. And it is not only the children who are at risk: just last year a beaver attacked an elderly grandmother who was swimming with her children, probably for impropriety.

How long will we ignore polar bear attacks on our submarine fleets, squirrels disrupting the mail system, and crocodiles stopped only by alert citizen intervention?

It has come down to us against them, their teeth gnashing for our blood. And Ted Turner is already on their side!

Some might tell you that this is a problem that can be solved by law and order; well, I remind you that the guards are often the first victim, as jailers in San Francisco and China found out recently.

We need to get serious about this and vote to secure our great nation from these dangerous animals. If congress would just divert 1% of the funding from their secret project to develop a mind control chemical to add to Coco-Puffs, then we could develop a bomb that preferentially destroys animals but leaves structures and humans intact.

That would go a long way towards cleaning out the real hell holes around the world, like Yellowstone National Park, where ordinary people can’t walk in the open for fear of being trampled to death by arrogant, smelly buffalo who don’t even bother to learn the rules of the road and end up smashing your car for $2,500 in damage that your insurance won’t cover just because you had a few drinks at the lodge.

So this November, while other parties fret about overseas wars and illegal aliens, vote for the candidate who best understands the challenges that face us here in America right now:

Vote Fudd: He'll Get those Wascally Wabbits

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