Unified Conspiracy Theory

From noted conspiracy unravelers John Conners and Rosie O’Donnel comes a shocking bombshell that threatens to tear America apart by revealing the true inner workings of American politics for the past 50 years. Be warned: your life may never be the same!

Read, if you dare, the nefarious timeline of the sinister Cabal:

1946: Several Freemasons discover ancient Templar writings handed down from the time of Jesus in a Nazi storehouse in Berlin which detail the perfect government. However, these writings have been suppressed by the Catholic Church because they challenge the power of the pope. Inspired, they form the Cabal, an organization dedicated to the implementation of this perfect form of government, which is actually a form of tyranny too frightening to imagine.
1948: Alger Hiss is framed by the Cabal for being a Soviet spy to raise Richard Nixon’s public profile and provide him with a leg up to be president two decades later.
1952: The Cabal kidnaps a young prodigy and raises him to be a political Savant, capable of political prognostication and propagandic pontification beyond what the world has ever seen. They dub him Karl Rove.
1958: The John Burch society is founded with the aims to combat communism and the spread of socialism, but is in reality a front group for the Cabal, who want to install a king to rule over the United States. They use the society in coming years to denounce their enemies.
1963: John F. Kennedy is assassinated after he refuses to accept the kingship of the United States. Standing on the grassy knoll, and the true assassin, is noted marksman Dick Cheney.
1964: The Warren commission erases all record of the assassination documents, including the infamous “Dallas Interview” where Oswald stated “I just did what Dick told me.”
1967: The crew of Apollo 1 is killed to keep them from revealing that the videos of the moon landing were faked.
1968: Robert Kennedy is assassinated after also refusing to accept the crown of the United States. Spurned by the greater of the two parties, the conspirators turn to the Republicans.
1968: Richard Nixon agrees to help the Cabal with their nefarious scheme, and proposes the Bush family as a likely group from which to select a monarch. Nixon later orders records of meetings between the Democrats and the Cabal destroyed, which goes wrong in the infamous ‘Watergate’ affair several years later.
1969: in order to demonstrate American technical prowess to the rest of the world, videos purporting to show a “moon landing” are broadcast around the world. This effort is ultimately successful, as no one since has ever realized that America does not possess any high-tech capability beyond Al Gore’s later invention of the Internet.
1973: The Supreme Court decides in favor of abortion in Roe v. Wade, ensuring that the supply of people who would be against the Cabal will be curtailed.
1973: Formation of the Trilateral Commission, which has as its goal the replication of the Cabal in every nation throughout the world and establishment of a “World Emperor.”
1975: Jimmy Hoffa refuses to use union money to support criminal endeavors and is murdered by the Cabal.
1980: Well-meaning but politically naive politician Ronald Reagan is selected as the front man to move the Bush family to greater national prominence.
1986: Dan Rather, long a thorn in the side of the Cabal, narrowly misses having his brain scrambled by a prototype space laser. It instead hits a nearby bystander, who begins to yell “Kenneth, what is the frequency?” and attacks Rather. Rather begins to wear a tin-foil hat in private to deflect the space rays. To prevent a recurrence, the Cabal begins Project Needle, implanting microchips into the populace of the United States via annual innoculations and during blood drives For this reason, children are forced to be vaccinated despite serious medical risks, which are all covered up by the AMA for the Cabal.
1991: The Cabal orders the Soviet Union to disband so that George HW Bush can take credit, which they do, and he does.
1992: In order to throw investigators off their trail, the Cabal rigs the election to promote little-known Arkansas governor and democrat Bill Clinton to the presidency. To cover their tracks they use millionaire H. Ross Perot to siphon votes from George HW Bush. When he threatens to reveal their scheme, the Cabal drives Perot mad using their sophisticated space laser to alter his brain chemistry.
1993: Vince Foster is assassinated after threatening to publicize his role in falsifying the Clintons’ tax return for the Whitewater real estate dealings, which was used by the Cabal to repay the Clintons in return for their silence regarding the conspiracy’s aid in the 1992 campaign.
1994: McDonald’s begins offering supersize meals to encourage obesity, making the American populace less capable of throwing off their oppressors in the future.
1995: Dick Cheney takes over the industrial group Halliburton, which secretly owns 49% of every major oil company in the world. This company funnels money from massive government contracts back into the Republican Party, funding their electoral successes for the next decade.
1998: A Bush family member is placed in Florida’s governorship to ensure that he can help rig the coming presidential election. He begins by ensuring that loyal party members are in place in all potentially disputed Florida counties.
1999: Newt Gingrich is driven from power because of his ludicrous nickname and failure to accept a Bush as future regent.
2000: After clumsily rigging the vote against super-genius sexpot Al Gore, the Bush family must undertake its most ambitious project yet to secure their hold on America: project Iraqi Quagmire. However, low gas prices have hampered funds from Halliburton and the Cabal must search for other sources of funding.
2001: Dennis Tito becomes the first ‘Space Tourist.’ Unknown to the tourists, they are killed in the space station and replaced with cybernetic replicates who will do the will of the Cabal in the future, thus ensuring that the elite of the world will support the nefarious goals of the Cabal when the time comes.
2001: After 70 years of existence, Enron is revealed as a giant corporate shell game. Billions of dollars go missing and the retirements of countless millions of Americans are wiped out, thus ensuring longer working careers and reduced public confidence in the federal government. Sarbanes-Oxley is drafted to reduce the power of the business sector, viewed as a threat by the Cabal.
2001: Using funds from the Enron collapse, the Cabal plants explosive devices in the World Trade Center using the well-known techniques of destroying 100-storey buildings. These are detonated so as to minimize loss of life, and advanced holographic projectors fool the populace of NY into believing that two planes struck the towers. A second controlled explosion in Washington convinces people that this is part of an attack by a previously-unknown group of ragtag terrorists. In fact, three planeloads of people were taken to an orbital base to provide genetic material for advanced bio-manipulation experiments. A fourth plane, which crashed in Pennsylvania, is a fortuitous coincidence that the evil Cabal capitalizes on.
2002: The space laser has no impact on George Soros, who is already mad as a hatter. After listening to him for a while, the Cabal decides he will pose no problem and encourages him to speak publicly.
2003: To spike oil prices, thus ensuring record profits for refineries and thus Halliburton, the US declares war on Iraq. The cover story is WMD, but there are no WMD other than the ones that the US uses on Iraqi baby-milk factories.
2004: Once again the Cabal rigs an election, but this time it is the Democratic nomination that must be secured in order to bring plan supporter John Kerry out of the primaries as the nominee. They destroy true democrat Howard Dean via space laser, causing him to howl in fury, and Kerry purposefully runs such an inept campaign that he loses to the most politically vulnerable sitting president in the last 100 years.
2004: Trusted broadcaster Dan Rather is discredited by phony documents provided by republican strategist Karl Rove, with assistance from double-secret Cabal operative Mary Mapes. The real reason Rather is discredited is because he has eyewitness testimony to a meeting between the Cabal and the Bush family discussing their plans for world domination, but now will never be believed.
2005: The Cabal organizes a diverse group of semi-literate cranks into something called the Huffington Post in order to spew vitriol across the Internet.
2005: Using their powerful weather machine the Cabal creates a huge hurricane, then bombs the levees to flood New Orleans. The 2006 NFL season is then rigged so that the Saints make the playoffs, ensuring good season ticket sales for the team. This is not part of the overall plan but is good for a lark.
2005/2006: Two Supreme Court justices are removed from the bench in order to place Cabal high-level operatives in their place, one of them as head of the court, thus ensuring court support for the coming New World Order.
2006: In order to suppress Democrat turnout in 2008 the Cabal arranges for an incompetent group of democrats led by a gaggle of screeching morons to take over congress and the Senate. Cabal turncoat Joseph Lieberman stands ready to switch sides if necessary to tip the balance back to the Republicans. Public discontent with congress begins to mount.
2006: Saddam Hussein, victim of the same brain-scrambling ray that hit Ross Perot, is hanged after a farce trial despite his clear innocence. Also, former Enron chief Ken Lay is the first person assassinated by a cybernetic replicate created in the space lab built in 2001.
2007: A misfire by the space laser costs the Cabal one of their most valuable propaganda agents, Ann Coulter. Or does it?
2007: Every conceivable candidate and their dog starts their presidential campaign too early, thus leaving an opening in 2008 for the fatigued voting populace to sweep into power the man the Cabal long ago chose as heir to the throne of the United States.
2008: Jeb Bush declares himself Emperor of the United States immediately after his inauguration with approval from the Supreme Court and popular acclaim following the most incompetently corrupt congress in history, signaling the end of freedom and liberty and the realization of the goal of the Cabal.