Monday, April 16, 2007

Bush to Appoint Tsar Czar

Confused by the proliferation of Czars throughout the US government, and worried about possible Royalist uprisings in the near future, President Bush today announced that he plans to appoint a Tsar Czar to control the proliferation of these experts.

In a White House press conference, he explained. “Listen, we’ve got drug czars, bioterrorism tsars, education czars, social security tsars, a proposed Iraq war czar, internet pron tsars, anti-bioterrorism czars, and immigration tsars. It’s too much for one person to keep track of. So what I need is a Tsar Czar, to better wrangle them up and control them.”

One of the areas of concentration will be clarification of the difference between a czar and a tsar. “It’s a little-known fact that this is a Russian word,” explained noted linguist Noam Chomsky. “And it’s little-known because most Americans are stupid, boorish creatures that need to be controlled by the intelligentsia. I look forward to us assimilating more Russian customs as time goes on.”

Barack Obama’s suit gave the Democratic response to the President’s news conference. “I just hope everybody knows that my first act as, hopefully, president will be to name a Hope Tsar, who hopefully will help restore hope to those who are hopeless. Oh, and I hope to be able to cancel Fox News, which I hope doesn’t air my comments to the bitter, hopeless people who watch it.”

Some Democrats were critical of the plan. Senator Ted Kennedy complained “I hear about tsar this, czar that, but nobody ever brings me any vodka back. It’s a shame.”

Nancy Pelosi criticized the administration for trying to draw attention away from its many scandals. “This is just another attempt for the president to appoint a scapegoat to blame without having to go through Congress, just like he did with Sam Fox or Alberto Gonzales. The constitution has appointed us gatekeepers to his staff, and he really should respect that.”

Asked about the constitution’s design for foreign affairs, Pelosi had no comment.