Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Pelosi to Expand Engagement

Fresh off her successes in the Middle East, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today went against her party’s recommendations and announced that she plans to extend her policy of engagement to Fox News.

Pelosi did not mince words. “This congress will reach out to all regimes, regardless of who is at their head and regardless of the filth that they spew, because that is what the American people want, and that is what they deserve.”

Democratic Party head Howard Dean spoke out against the plan, cautioning that the party might get trapped in an overreach. He used recent Republican problems to make his point. “Just look at the GOP quagmire over on CNN. It’s past time for them to pull out. They know they’re not gonna get support, they know the network’s never gonna change, and it’s time that they accept that and gracefully withdraw while they still have some dignity. That’s the kind of disaster I’m hoping to avoid.”

Presidential hopeful John Edwards drew a much starker picture. “I didn’t want to pull out of Fox News, but I had to for the good of my mental health. It was not too long ago that I used to wake up at night with soiled sheets after dreaming about Bill O’Reilly. You can call me a coward if you want, but I defy anybody to have a debate hosted by a professional journalist who votes for the other party. Those soiled sheets are in the future of the GOP if they insist on coming on CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, C-Span, PBS, ESPN, most cable channels, any local stations, the BBC, any Canadian channel, or Air America if it’s still operating the day after tomorrow. And now Pelosi wants to roll Democrats in those sheets by appearing on Fox News.”

“I don’t know why she wants to change things.” Grumbled former presidential hopeful John Kerry. “The Republicans and their lying, thieving swiftboat friends who stole my presidency can keep Fox news and talk radio.”

Hillary Clinton took a more subtle approach. “I was willing to debate on Fox, but the other candidates didn’t feel that they were manly enough to go on. I suppose that tells you everything you need to know about them. And a debate is not like a marriage – you can’t have one all by yourself. But if Speaker Pelosi is willing to try, I’m willing to wait to undercut her attempts until after I’ve gotten polling feedback and ensured that it validates my role as a centrist.”

Asked for comment, Barack Obama wanted to make sure everyone realized that he symbolized hope. “I hope that people can see that I’m bringing hope into the lives of those who hope for something better, and it’s my sincere hope that this hope will create a new spirit of hopefulness. But I hope that Nancy understands that I can’t say that on Fox, home of the bitter, twisted reptiles that walk the night stealing hope from hopeless children.”