Thursday, April 19, 2007

Edwards Discloses Secret Plan

Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards today slapped back at his critics, calling them “misinformed rabble-rousers” for their criticism of his mega-mansion and $400 haircuts while running as a populist. He explained that these expenses did not go to him, but were rather part of his top-secret project to relocate family groups of the critically endangered Homo Erectus Hirsutus, also known as the Pacific Bigfoot.

At a press conference in a private California airport before boarding his personal jet to fly back to North Carolina, Edwards discussed the program. “I’ve been helping these noble animals almost two decades, ever since I saw a documentary on their plight called Harry and the Hendersons. I don’t expect anybody to believe that my haircuts cost $400. I mean, I’ve got a big head, but not that big. That’s also why I have such a large house and grounds. Bigfeet need a lot of space, and I want them to be comfortable. I’m proud of the work we’ve done so far, and we’re going to keep on doing it.”

“It really puts all the pieces together,” said Jay Rumpcheeks, a Washington DC political advisor. “Here’s this guy running as a demagogic populist living in a house sized for 20 families getting $400 haircuts. But if he’s manscaping bigfoots and constructing a game reserve in prime North Carolina real estate, the story makes a lot more sense. It’s kind of like how Al Gore’s huge electrical bill was caused by having his perpetual motion machine wired up backwards.”

Polling firm Farce and Fracas expected Edwards to experience a significant polling bump by disclosing the project, according to Vice President of Polling Morton Hooperman. “Last month he won over the anti-war and speech suppression wing of the fringe Democrats with his craven retreat from Fox News. Now he’s got the granola coalition and the neo-Luddites. I think that John Edwards has secured his place as a second-tier candidate.”

Chet Bellweather, president of the Pacific Bigfoot Resource Center, was just relieved that his earlier prediction of extinction turned out to be incorrect. “I had read a study that claimed Bigfoots were migrating, but I never did believe it. You get a lot of crazies when you discuss Bigfoot, you know. But if John Edwards says it, it must be true. I hope he wins the election so that we can seriously discuss funding stem-cell research to reintroduce unicorns.”