I Am Pharaoh

Apparently I missed the demand to "let my people go" sometime late last week, because on Saturday a plague of locusts descended upon my house. And I didn't even get the courtesy of raining frogs to prepare me.

On Saturday afternoon, we had friends over for a cookout. When I say "friends" I mean that it's a woman who is friends with Wifey, her utterly worthless husband, and their spawn. There are three spawn, stair-stepped at 2-4-6. This is slightly younger than our children, but not so bad that they couldn't all play together.

Or they could have, if only the spawn hadn't been a ravening pack of malicious barbarians intent on wandering through the house on a quest of destruction.

I did the barbecuing, which was great: I like fire, I like singeing meat, and since it was raining I got to retreat to the backyard for privacy from time to time. Never have so few hamburgers cooked for so long.

Now, when I'm over at somebody's house as a guest at a barbecue, I generally do two things: I try to help with the barbecue so I can learn a few new tips and tricks, and I keep an eye on my children so they don't wander all over the damn place and cause trouble.

But I'm old-fashioned like that. Mr. Locust felt no such compunction, only occasionally telling the eldest spawn not to wander off. Typically this comment was addressed to empty air because he had, in fact, wandered away to tear down the curtains in an adjacent room or to try to break the heads off the Barbie dolls.

The youngest spawn spent most of her time trying to eat inappropriate things and peeing on the steps. The spawn in the middle was largely absent from the proceedings, having wandered two yards away and gotten fascinated with a chained-up man-eating pit bull.

But if her parent's weren't concerned, I wasn't going to be, either. And I vigorously deny that I put the steak sauce on her that enticed the dogs into a feeding frenzy.

About an hour into the plague, my daughter leaned over and whispered loudly "I can't wait for them to leave!"

"Me neither!" I responded in kind. "But we have to humor them for mommy's sake!"

Finally, after several fistfights and repeated journeys by Wifey to the upper floors of the house to retrieve one of the spawn, my daughter, or me, they left. We received a heart-felt apology from Wifey once they'd gone that went something like this:

"Dear family, I am so sorry about what just happened. If you would like to spend the rest of the day playing Wii, I will not complain, and I assure you that I will fix you any dinner that you wish tonight as penance for what you have all just suffered, if you will only forgive me for this."

"No problem!" said the girl. She always settles too early.

"I want pizza and ice cream!" said the boy. He's greedy, but easily forgives.

"I want nudity," I said. I then leaned in close and propositioned her in a filthy fashion not fit for a family-oriented humor blog.

She readily agreed to my proposition out of guilt. And let's be honest: guilt sex is second only to make-up sex.

I already invited the Locust Family back next week.

DNC Issues "World’s Most Dangerous" List

As a continuing effort to bolster their credentials on National Security, the DNC today issued a list of "governmental and private organization, leaders, and opinion shapers that are making the world a more dangerous place by their continued attack on liberty and freedom everywhere."

Chairman Howard Dean said in a statement that "the Republican-driven image of Democrats being soft on security is a fable, and this list shows that we will look tyrants in the eye and tell them 'enough.' The American people know that the Democrats, and our potential nominee, will protect our way of life regardless of the cost."

The list includes:

Colonel Sanders
"He might try to fool you by dressing like Uncle Sam, but this unpatriotic grease-grubber wants to fatten us up for totalitarian slaughter. Only through dietary purity can we hope to achieve balance with our planet and our own health. Eating fried foods is not only unhealthy; it's unethical, unenvironmental, and unpatriotic."


John Bolton
"There hasn't been a mustache this threatening since the heyday of Yosemite Sam, shooting up the streets of Gold Gulch until a brave rabbit managed to stop him. Well, the DNC symbol might be a donkey, but we have the heart of a rabbit, and we'll stand up against this warmonger and see him tried in The Hague for the next thirty years to ensure that justice is done."


Fox News
"Mouth organ of the neo-conservative warmongering latter-day Nazis that seek to dissemble instead of dialogue. Anchors are little more than administration spokespeople on a wide variety of issues from repressing the urban poor to disbanding unions to starting new wars to distract from an economy that is swirling down a toilet of chaos and despair."

Oil Companies
"When CEOs are driven around in giant luxury automobiles and you have to share a tandem bicycle just to go to work, you know that the capitalist system has become unbalanced to the breaking point. So it's time to slap a windfall profit on these people, because 10% IRR is just way too much."

Mugabe: what about me?

Zimbabwe’s former president and chief thug Robert Mugabe today issued an angry statement denouncing his fellow dictators for “rushing ahead to endorse Barack Obama” without waiting for the strongman, who is in the middle of a desperate battle to rig a one-party runoff election.

“We agreed on the conference call that we would coordinate our endorsements for maximum effect,” Mugabe said. “But then Kim, Hugo, and Fidel all rushed ahead to endorse Obama without waiting for me. They know it’s not easy to rig an election! I’m busy here!”

Observers said that Mugabe was also upset about the diplomatic slap given to him by Queen Elizabeth. “He’s mad because an 82-year-old woman has given him such disrespect,” said one. “He’s been getting a free ride from everybody else as he happily burned his way through political opponents, so it was a rude awakening when she took away his knighthood. He was so despondent he almost couldn’t finish his arugula sandwich at the latest UN summit on world hunger.”

Responding to Mugabe’s disappointment, Kim Jong-Il said “I use cat pee to make my hair stand up!”

Obamic Scholar Condemns John Stewart

A leading Obamic scholar today condemned comic John Stewart, saying that the Daily Show host had “trampled on the dignity of Barack Obama” and warning that any further transgressions would be “dealt with in the most strenuous possible fashion.”

“It is not allowed to demean the dignity of the most high,” Joseph Palermo, one of the Obamic scholars at the Huffington Academy said. “He must be treated with the respect due an incarnation of greatness. It is never acceptable to mock Obama, may his election be guaranteed.”

Palermo said that Stewart’s comment that it was all right to laugh at the candidate was wrong, and a misreading of Obamic law. “It is never acceptable to laugh at Obama, may his election be guaranteed. There are forces of darkness, called Republicans, who stalk the land seeking to discredit the Ordained One. No believer must help them, and they must be shunned wherever found.”

“Stewart has helped these dark forces, and he must pay penance and seek forgiveness before he can be considered one of the faithful again,” Palermo added. “I am glad that he is on television, because all supporters will know him, and how to find him, if Obamic justice must be administered.”

The McCainiacs

We’ve already looked at a potential Obama cabinet. But what about the possible cabinet for the Maverick?

We can assume that he’ll want people like him, who have a strong moral compass, like to antagonize their allies, and insist they’re pure despite immersing themselves in pseudo-scandals. Where can you find people like this?

In cop movies, of course.

Sec. Defense: Axel Foley
It’s clear that the old-fashioned “do what we want or we’ll blow you up” style of SecDef doesn’t work. Just ask Donald Rumsfeld. So we need a new approach. And wouldn’t you prefer to see the US put bananas in Iran’s tailpipes to shut down their economy rather than raining cluster bombs down on them? I’m sure Iran would.


Attorney General: Judge Dredd
Dredd’s signature phrase, “I am the law”, will put him in good standing with the current standard of judicial thinking, which holds itself accountable to no one.



HUD: Adrian Monk
I’d just like to see Monk use his mind powers to help figure out a way to make his native city not a volatile mix of the militant homeless and uber-rich neo-socialists. After that he can go to work on the rest of the country.

Sec. of Energy: Max Walker (from Timecop)
I don’t know what they use to power the time machine, but I’ll bet it’s fission or solar wind or boob jiggle or something. He’d be a big help to us, I’m sure, so long as you don’t let him touch himself.

Sec. of the Interior: Jack Taggart (Fire Down Below)
In addition to being committed to the well-being of the environment, the interior of Taggart has almost quadrupled over the past ten years. So we have a candidate here who has both interest and experience. You can’t go wrong with that.

Sec. of Commerce: Agent Smith
Who knows the intertubes better than Agent Smith? Nobody, that’s who. Okay, it is true that he has this whole mavericky streak about wanting to enslave humanity to use them as living batteries for his mainframe master. But it’s not like he’s torturing them, or discriminating against illegals, or anything like that.


Vice President: Rita Rizzoli (Fatal Beauty)
If the presidential election is like a high-stakes poker game, then this move would be McCain’s way of saying to Democrats “I’ll see your minority, and raise you a minority.”


Sec. of Veteran’s Affairs: Roger Murtaugh
Even though he’s just one day from retirement, I’m sure that he’ll stick around to help correct the numerous problems in the VA hospitals and other services for our wounded warriors. As a plus, he has experience dealing with mentally unstable former vets, which I understand describes 78% of all Iraq War returnees. The other 22% are, of course, in prison.

Sec. of Homeland Security: John McClain
I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I think of vigorous homeland security, I think of this guy killing a bunch of Germans who were trying to take over a skyscraper. I know some people might be worried about his volatile temper, but this is the guy I want out there in the night protecting me from bad people.


Director of Drug Control Policy: McBain
Who knows more about Mendoza’s nefarious network of drug smugglers and hit men than McBain, who has been pursuing him for years? With all the resources of the Federal government behind him, McBain might finally be able to make traction in the War on Drugs, now entering its twentieth year.

Chariman of the Federal Reserve: Sonny Crocket
How is it that a Miami vice cop lives in an oceanfront condo, wears expensive suits, drives expensive cars, and dates supermodels? I don’t know, but put this guy in charge of the money. The only problem is that the US Treasurer might end up getting kidnapped all the time, just like the rest of his girlfriends.


Director of National Intelligence: Jack Cates
Okay, it is true that he didn’t figure out who the Iceman was despite numerous clues and the sinister background music, but we all learn from our mistakes, right? The only problem is his laissez-faire attitude about torture might not jive with McCain.

Eric Holder Enters Advisor Protection Program

Obama Vice Presidential advisor Eric Holder entered the FBI’s Advisor Protection program today amidst rumors that he would soon be run down by an out-of-control bus. The rumors, stoked largely by right-wing hate sites such as HotAir, had FBI officials worried that the recent history of Obama advisors being run down might repeat itself.

“We’re taking these allegations very seriously,” said Samantha Wright, head of the Advisor Program. “Our profilers tell us we’re dealing with a sociopath here, who time and again hurls those who displease him beneath a rhetorical bus at the first sign of trouble. We don’t want Mr. Holder to become his latest victim.”

Agents said that Holder was being held in a secure location “to prevent anyone from getting to know him better and discovering that they didn’t know him very well to begin with.”

A Night with Button-Bright

Of all the things that a parent must do, is there anything worse than a sleepover? Not only do you have to put up with some horrid spawn for an entire night, you’re virtually powerless when they go off the rails, and society frowns upon putting them in a sack and tossing them in a river.

This weekend we hosted another child overnight. In addition to confirming my decision to have a vasectomy, it gave me an abiding dislike of the parent of the other child. I’m sure she’s a wonderful parent, it’s just that her son is, well, kind of a doofus.

See, the other parent was in a bind and needed somebody to watch little Doofus overnight because of a work function. So like all conniving parents she created the idea that little Doofus wanted to come have a sleepover with my son. After brainwashing Doofus into this idea, she suggested it, and like fools we agreed without consulting the boy.

When I told him about it, my son asked if he could have a sleepover the same night at somebody else’s house. This was the first sign of trouble. Apparently, he doesn’t care for Little Doofus.

The second sign of trouble was when it became apparent that little Doofus was in love with my daughter, to the point of wanting to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom with her. She took it all pretty well, except the whole bathroom thing.

Her first stalker at only 8 years old. Should I be proud?

I kept telling her she could solve that by punching him, but her school has taught her to be nonviolent and resolve things by “negotiation.” It’s no wonder we can’t get Iran to give up nukes, if we’re teaching kids that it’s not okay to punch people who try to go to the can with you.

But I digress. We quickly discovered Little Doofus’ favorite phrase: “I’m the guest, so…”

You can follow that with whatever you want: I get to go first, I get the biggest piece, I get to pick my nose, whatever. I don’t know where this piece of lifestyle advice came from, but it forms the cornerstone of Little Doofus’ world view: guests pee on your leg and tell you it’s raining.

He’d been there an hour when my son was begging me to let him go play at somebody else’s house. I had to admit the logic was pretty sound: Little Doofus liked his sister better anyways, and that way my son could be a guest and do whatever the hell he wanted, too.

I begged Wifey to let me take the boy over to another kid’s house, maybe a kid two countries away, but she wouldn’t let me. She didn’t like Little Doofus either and didn’t want to be stuck with him..

We sorted out Little Doofus as best we could, telling him that we still had to share and all that crap. I was never so glad for bedtime to come as I was that night. I would have drunk away my sorrows, but Wifey (who is a teetotaler) beat me to the booze.

The next morning, we got everybody up and ready to go to church. My son, knowing that Doofus’ mom would collect him there, got up at 5 AM and was trying to convince us to hit the road “so we can get there on time.”

I thought it was a good plan, but Wifey wouldn’t hear of it. Killjoy.

When we did finally get to church, Doofus’ mommy was nowhere to be seen. The service started, there was plenty of music and blah-blah, but still no Madame Doofus.

“If she doesn’t show up,” my wife whispered. “I’m going to kill you.”

“Why me?” I asked.

“Because I can’t kill Doofus.”

“That hardly seems fair,” I said. “Why don’t you kill Madame Doofus?”

“Because she’s not here, dipshit!”

Finally Madame Doofus rolled in, about fifteen minutes late, and her little angel immediately rushed to her to tell her what an awful time he had.

But wait! It wasn’t over! After church, Doofus sidled up to me with something and told me that my son had “given” it to him.

Listen, I know my boy, and he doesn’t give away his toys, particularly not to children he’d rather see beaten by a playground bully. Particularly not the object in question. So I asked Doofus, “what will he say if I ask him about it?”

“You don’t have to ask him,” Doofus said. “He told me to tell you he gave it to me.”

Curiouser and curiouser.

Notably, after the bonding of the previous 24 hours, my son was physically as far from Doofus as the room would allow, in the far corner of the room, hunkered behind a row of plastic chairs with guards posted out front. He had left strict orders that Doofus was not to be admitted.

“Let’s go see, then.” I drug Doofus over and informed my son of the situation: “Doofus here says you gave this to him. Is that true?”

“What?” He looked at me like I had three heads sprouting from my shoulders. “That’s not supposed to leave my room! What’s it doing here? Where did it come from? I didn’t give that to anybody. Give it back now, you dirty thief! GUARDS! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!”

He was actually gesturing at me, but since his guards consisted of Wifey and the girl, I felt pretty safe. I informed little Doofus that there’d been some sort of misunderstanding, and that I didn’t think this arrangement made any sense. I made sure to put the item in question in my pocket, because you can’t be too careful about these things.

Doofus tried one last tactic: “You know, I was the guest, so I should get to keep that.”

“I’ve got a better idea,” I said. “Why don’t I get you a nice, frosty glass of lead paint to drink? It’s paint-tastic!”

“Dad!” The girl yelled. “Don’t do that! It’s poisonous!”

Damn kids. What are they teaching them these days?

Sticky-Fingered Doofus ran off, upset, never to be heard from again.

“And don’t come back!” Wifey yelled after him.

“Yeah!” Yelled the boy. “And stay away from my sister!”

While I don’t necessarily approve of yelling it, I heartily agreed with the sentiment.

Ambience is Everything

I found this story about John McCain’s VP search coordinator hilarious. Not so much for the story itself, but for the hard work that went into forging an atmosphere of secrecy and back-door dealings to make you scared of the eventual selection.

So let’s just take this story to its ultimate denouement, shall we? Because I hate things that are half-done.

SMOKEY ROOM, Washington: A sinister cabal loyal to John McCain continues to labor in secret to find the perfect running mate for the volcanically-tempered former POW, whose Navy career consisted of crashing planes and being captured by the enemy.

The clique is headed by Arthur B. Culvahouse, Jr, a lawyer famous inside the beltway for his work as a tight-lipped, high-flying, corporate troubleshooter, akin to films such as “The Firm” or “Michael Clayton.”

In the past he has represented giant firms that acted against the interests of the American people. Now, he’s slinking about Washington, skulking in the halls of power intent on doing more damage to the very fiber of the Republic.

Few are privy to the clandestine details of the machinations of this junta, but it is certain that they seek only to slake the dark thirst of their master for power over the American people, and possible prolongation of an unjust war that has cost countless lives.

Compare this villainy to Barack Obama’s “Sunlight Search,” which has been carried on in the open and is more of an independent self-directed team looking for a moon to properly reflect the benevolent light from the Democratic candidate.

The open-minded Obama has declared that his VP search team “works for no one” and is willing to accept the assistance of anyone, even allowing reformed sinners like Jim Johnson to help search for his eventual running mate.

The other key members of his team are an experienced political operative and the famous daughter of America’s royal family, the Kennedys. It is hoped that soon they will announce the candidate who gets to bask in Obama’s warming glowing warming glow.

However, no such announcement will be forthcoming from the black hole of the McCain camp, which may not announce their running mate until after the election. Rumors, as yet unconfirmed, are that possible candidates include Mitt Romney, Bobby Jindal, and Beelzebub, Dark Lord of the Pit.

Hansen Warns Congress on Polar Bears

Climate scientist James Hansen told a Congressional committee today that unless swift and certain action is taken, “within a few years we will be facing a Polar Bear invasion the likes of which humanity will barely survive.”

“This is an issue that we need to tackle now, by trimming surplus human population and crippling the economy, before it becomes too late,” Hansen said in his statement. “The Northwest Passage, closed since the age of dinosaurs, will open up and expose our northern waterways to ice floes that will regularly come from the North Pole. On these frozen barges, likely guided by pilot monkeys, will come the Polar Bears, seeking to extract vengeance for our wanton consumerism.”

Hansen painted a bleak picture for cities on the Great Lakes such as Chicago or Detroit. “Armies of these giant, killer bears wandering desolate cities, eating what few survivors remain trying to glean a life off of rainwater and abandoned radioactive sludge,” Hansen predicted. “Then, the Bears will strike south, down the Mississippi, rupturing fragile levees and destroying farmland like a plague of two-ton carnivorous locusts.”

After his statement Hansen answered questions, saying at one point that “it’s now time to panic, crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside.”

Huckabee said to be Mulling Potential Gaffes

Sources close to former Republican frontrunner and overall attention whore Mike Huckabee said that the Baptist Minister is considering making a “major gaffe” regarding Barack Obama. While the nature of the gaffe is not fully revealed, the source did say that it was of either an ethnic or faith background.

“Basically, Huck’s upset that he’s not getting the attention of major-league faith leaders like Father Pflegler or Reverend Wright,” said one source. “And he figures that since those guys got a lot of attention by being close to Obama and spewing anti-white hate, he’ll try the other side of the coin and go traditional racist.”

The former staffer said the plan is probably what prompted Obama’s bizarre claims over the weekend about upcoming Republican tactics. “When Obama said that Republicans would try racist attacks, this was probably what he had in mind,” the confidential source said. “It’s pretty well-established this campaign that white guys from Arkansas are going to use racist code words to criticize Barack. And you know who’s a white guy from Arkansas? Mike Huckabee.”

But not everyone agreed that the gaffe would be race-related. “I think he’ll question Obama’s sexuality,” said one former Huckabee volunteer now working on the Bob Barr campaign. “Huck wants to be the populist demagogue, and he can’t do that as long as Obama has the fruitcake coalition sewn up. But if he can get those swooning nimrods up front at Brother Huck’s Socialist Revival, watch out!”