Thursday, February 28, 2008

Wisconsinites Riot over Obama Insult

Thousands of Cheese-Rights Activists took to the streets in Milwaukee Wednesday to protest comments made in an interview by Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama, who called their state “remote,” equated cheese with “junk”, and hinted he doesn’t eat it because if you do "you'll never survive."

The protestors burned Illinois flags and called for him to be censured. Obama, an Illinois senator, is currently the Democratic frontrunner in the presidential primary.

One of the masked ringleaders told reporters that “It is unconscionable that this man besmirches the honor of Wisconsin, Iowa, and cheese. We demand an immediate apology from him, the Democratic Party, and the entire state of Illinois. Unless our demands are met we will continue to riot until we run out of beer or cheese or, God help us all, both.”

The protests marked the latest in a string of high-profile embarrassments for the Obama campaign, from discovering that al-Qaeda is already in Iraq to finding out that no one can really tell the difference between butter and “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!”

“This is all just part of the right-wing noise machine,” said a member of the Obama campaign. “Senator Obama has nothing but respect for the remote cheese-eating denizens of the Midwest. In fact, with his commitment to protectionism and increased environmental awareness, all these fine people will have to eat in the future is locally-grown cheese.”

Hillary Clinton, having tried everything to catch up to Obama without success, attempted to outdo him in his disdain for Wisconsinites. A spokesperson said that “if those inbred, cow-loving, cheese-swilling hicks don’t like it, they can take their overstuffed colons and move to Canada.”

Police said that the protest remained peaceful because no one had insulted Brett Favre or the Packers, but they were nonetheless monitoring the situation from Madison.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Art Thieves Steal Lunch Pail from Guggenheim

Would-be art thieves today stormed the Guggenheim museum in New York in a daring daylight robbery and made away with some garbage and a guard’s lunch pail. Loss from the theft, latest in a string that has plagued the art world, was estimated at fifteen dollars and change.

“It was terrifying,” said guard Gary Peterson. “I was scared out of my wits. They were waving guns around and grabbing up everything they could. I tried to tell them it was just my lunchbox, but they thought it was modern art and really valuable. The worst part was, it had my February issue of Swank in there, and I hadn’t read the articles yet.”

Museum curators said that the garbage was left over from their latest exhibit by European conceptual artist Öéçù, who uses it to “present a less bourgeois view of the interconnectedness of all living and nonliving creatures that sustain our normative views of climate and society.” They said the garbage could easily be replaced by wearing a Red Sox cap at the next Yankees game.

Police officials said that they were combing the city for leads and hoped to locate the missing lunchbox quickly. “That issue of Swank sold out really fast, because it had the Lindsey Lohan naked pictures in there,” said police chief Walter Mitty. “A lot of guys down at the station aren’t too educated on the Internets, so they still need it in print. Besides, who wants to lug a computer into the john?”

Classifieds of the Damned

Help Wanted

PRESTIGIOUS Awards ceremony seeks host with charm, grace, and distinguished manner capable of keeping audience awake and acceptance speeches short. No old people or minorities need apply. Contact

ONCE-REPUTABLE newspaper seeks dedicated progressives who can cover their tracks better than the slipshod morons we currently have as senior editors. Please provide evidence of experience and a ten-point outline of the proper way to slime Republican presidential candidates. Contact

CLIMATE alarmist caught off-guard by harsh winter seeks anecdotal stories of polar bears eating their young as they drown on stranded ice floes. Will pay 10 cents a word. Send to

UP-AND-COMING presidential candidate seeks someone who knows something about math to help me make up impressive-sounding statistics to show that America is a hellhole that is descending into ruin. Contact

CROTCHETY old man needs somebody who knows the value of a dollar to help him with day-to-day money issues. Knowledge of world money markets and international finance a plus. Contact

Seeking Positions

SELF-centered clubhouse cancer seeks position with team-oriented club. Skills include hitting home runs, furniture arrangement, and testifying before grand juries. May have availability issues after June. Does not play defense. Contact

FORMER frontrunner seeks position which helps salvage some of my former dignity. Willing to consider seedy roadhouse dives or wearing a bear suit in a dunking booth. Contact

OSCAR-winning, Nobel Prize laureate seeks upper management position with global firm dedicated to pushing questionable science for enrichment of shareholders. Will consider janitorial work as well. Excellent Powerpoint skills. Contact

I DON’T KNOW THE MEANING OF ‘QUIT.’ That’s just one of the many words I don’t know the meaning of! Certifiable moron seeks position doing anything where I can continue to feed my narcissistic ego without producing tangible results. Contact

For Sale

READ the real history of the US that the government doesn’t want you to know, like how the blacks are conspiring with the Jews to destroy the US and turn it into a totalitarian state! Order copies of this anonymous (wink, wink) pamphlet while supplies last! Contact DrRon@nimrod.tx

PALATIAL mansion, complete with zoo, aquarium, skinny-dipping pool, and local amusement park. Possibly haunted, as mysterious white figure seen skulking about at night. Perfect for children’s parties. $25 million or best offer. Contact freak@weirdo.perv


SEXY, soon-to-be-single retiree seeks adventurous ladies who don’t mind paying exorbitant dry-cleaning bill and hobnobbing with terrorists. Must provide body photo and proof of clean bill-of-health (crabs are okay). Contact

WIDE-STANCED congressman seeks experienced campaign manager to help with day-to-day affairs such as organizing, polling the electorate, and shaking the dew off the lily. No women need apply. Contact drdemento@imnotgayjustadventurous.perv

DO YOU hate Bill O’Reilly? I do, too. Do you think GOP stands for Groping Old Perverts? I do, too. Do you foam at the mouth every time you think about George Bush and long for the day when he is put in prison and subjected to humiliations undreamed of by Andy Dufrense? I do, too. Contact keith@nobodywatchesme.msnbc

Hillary Releases New Perfume

In order to leverage what’s left of her name recognition and pump some much-needed cash into her campaign, Hillary Clinton has released a perfume called Inevitable.

The scent, which some have described as smelling like a mix of hubris and desperation, lasts for two to four hours, after which it fades to almost nothing. Just before disappearing, the perfume bursts into flame. The effect is described as “hypnotic” both for friends and enemies alike.

Team Clinton hopes that sales of this will help them to close the gap with frontrunner Barack Obama, who has had enormous success with his scent, Messianic Musk.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


Excited scientists at NASA today confirmed that the much-discussed “human figure” on Mars is actually a Bigfoot, which indicates that the elusive animals have relocated to the red planet in an attempt to escape certain annihilation at the hands of polluters, logging operations, and gun nuts.
Scientists confirm that Bigfeet, left, have relocated to Mars, right

“This is an exciting moment for biodiversity in our solar system,” said Tim Planktonnen, head of Panspermation Research for NASA. “Not only does it allay fears that Bigfeet are extinct, but it also means that Mars is easily habitable if humans can bring themselves closer to nature like our closest cousin.”

Cryptozoologist Amy Weatherbee said the discovery holds out hope for other threatened species. “What other animals might the Bigfeet have brought with them to Mars? Are the canals filled with Nessies and the rolling hills now inhabited by Leprechauns? We can only hope so, and also hope that eight years of Republican environmental negligence can be turned around by an enlightened philosopher-king who will save our souls and restore America’s international reputation.”

Capitalizing on the public interest in the Martian photograph, NASA has asked Congress for $600,000,000,000 dollars to send an unmanned probe to do a flyby of the moon in preparation for the day when they need to ask for an enormous budget to buy a big telescope to monitor Chinese mining operations on Mars.

“We know that given the state of bureaucratic decay in our organization we can’t hope to do anything but mimic earlier missions,” admitted Planktonnen. “But we’re hoping to be able to watch other people do something interesting, which ultimately is a lot easier for us anyways.”

Change Locally

Suppose you live in a cul-de-sac with 20 family homes, and each home has children. At a neighborhood association meeting one day, someone proposes changing the speed limit on the road from to 15 MPH to protect the children.

Nine families immediately agree; in fact, some of them want the speed limit set to 10 MPH to be extra safe. They pledge that they will drive 15 MPH from now on, regardless of whether or not the motion passes.

Six families disagree. They say they can’t drive that slow on the road because it makes them late to work.

Five don’t own cars, so they mostly agree.

The nine happen to all live on the same side of the street, so they start badgering the lone holdout on their side.

Finally the holdout agrees, but says he’ll drive 15 MPH only if the whole neighborhood does. Otherwise, he refuses to vote for the proposed limit.

The other five refuse again, repeating they simply can’t afford to drive that much slower, but encourage the ten to drive 15 MPH because they’re right that it makes the neighborhood safer.

Angry, the nine families say that the lone holdout on their side is a jerk, but that the other five are good neighbors and upstanding citizens.

Think this sounds like an asinine story?

It’s the UN position on global climate change.

All the tea in China?

This is interesting: 3,786 miners died in China last year. Anybody have any idea how this compares to the US?

Well, if China has a population of 1.3 billion that means that one in 343,000 Chinese died in a mining accident in 2007.

According to MSHA, the organization that tracks US mining deaths, 64 miners lost their lives in the US in 2007. That means that one in 4,690,000 Americans died in a mining accident last year.

Or, to put it another way, despite the fact that there only 4 Chinese for every American, for every American miner who died 60 Chinese miners died.

It’s a good thing no Olympic events take place underground…

Monday, February 25, 2008

Clinton Campaign Word of the Day

Today’s word of the day is misconstrued.

Misconstrued: (v) to misunderstand or misinterpret something

“When Barack Obama said that Hillary Clinton would force all Americans to purchase health insurance, he misconstrued her policy and displayed a lack of detailed knowledge of the issues facing the implementation of nationwide health-care coverage.”

Worst US Airports

I read this list of US airports and, quite frankly, I found it lacking. What I specifically found it lacking was a comparison of various poorly-performing US airports to stopovers in Homer’s Odyssey, which is what air travel often feels like.

So here is a more literate list, which I like to think makes the world a better place. Unfortunately, it's not in iambic pentameter, but what do you expect from a free blog?

New York’s Kennedy and LaGuardia: Scylla and Charybdis
Basically, these two airports suck, and trying to fly into either one of them or (Athena forbid) making a transfer between them is like trying to navigate these ancient horrors: you’re more likely to be eaten or drown than make the trip without issue.

New Jersey’s Newark Liberty: The Underworld
I don’t have any proof that Newark airport is located in Hell, but let’s just say that the anecdotal evidence certainly points that way.

Detroit Metro: Cyclops’s Island
While there’s probably not a giant one-eyed monster somewhere in this airport waiting to devour you, it’s cramped, smells bad, and is full of drunken idiots who make you feel like nobody.

Washington Dulles: Calypso’s Island
Not only will you end up waiting seven years for your baggage, there’s a good chance your wife won’t believe whatever story you tell her about your business trip, either.

North Carolina’s Charlotte Douglas: Lair of Laestrygones
Because everybody knows that those people in the South are all cousin-marrying cannibals. At least all educated people know that.

Chicago O’Hare: King Aeolus’ Island
Because no place in current politics is more famous for windbags than Chicago.
Honorable Mention: Boston’s Logan

Dallas/Fort Worth: Circe’s Island
If Jerry Jones isn’t safe from the terrible magic that’s turning him into some sort of bug-eyed man-pig, then who among us is?

Las Vegas McCarran International: Isle of the Sirens
If there’s an airport in the world where more men have been driven to ruin by the singing voice of temptation (be it from slot machine or nearby brothels), I don’t know where it is.

Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson: Troy
Troy was sacked and burned after they took in a wooden horse. Atlanta has been sacked and burned, and used to host Jane Fonda, who looks kind of like she’s made of wood and appears to have been rode hard and put away wet. *

San Francisco International: Thrinacia (land of Helios)
One minute you’re trolling for a babe, the next minute you’re surrounded by she-males fearing for your life. This is life in San Francisco (or so I’ve been led to believe: I’m too frightened to go there myself).

Miami International: Land of the Lotus Eaters
Miami has everything: beautiful beaches, perfect weather, bikini-clad women. Why do they even have departure gates?

Your Local Airport: Ithaca
It’ll take you forever to get there, once you do you’ll have to wait, and the whole time you’ll be hoping that there’s not a long line of guys banging your wife.

* Because every Barbarella makes every post better:

How to Read

As a service to both my readers, I thought I’d provide a guide to the Page 2 columnists. I’ve been following Page 2 for many years now, having weathered everything from the Page 3 debacle to the dark days of Dan Shanoff.

For all you newcomers, here’s a handy style guide to what kind of article you can expect when you click on any of these writers currently serving in sportswriters’ purgatory.

Easy Like John Tesh
Just as John Tesh ruined the Olympics by focusing on the athletes’ “personal stories,” so these columnists prattle on over things we couldn’t care less about. Better still, they often try to negate any sort of joy you might feel about enjoying sports by finding downtrodden former players and sometimes hinting that it was sports that drove them to ruin.
Sam Alipour
Mary Buckheit
Jeff Pearlman

Let us discuss this word...
ESPN consistently labels these writers as humorists, despite the somewhat niggling detail that they’re not funny, except perhaps in some sort of Bizarro world.
[UPDATE from e-mail: “Bizarro think they funny! In Bizarro world, this mean they not make Bizarro laugh! They bad! Bizarro smash!”]
Jim Caple
DJ Gallo

Association of Carlin-Type Persons
These guys are living off a reputation for being scandalous, but they’re actually passé and not the least bit provocative. Kind of like your fat uncle who was a member of the Weather Underground but now works for Goldman-Sachs.
Bill Simmons (if your uncle had been neutered by his wife)

Larry King League
You know how you can always count on Larry for at least one “what the hell did he just say” moments during election coverage? Similarly, as you slog through the drivel of these so-called writers, you can be sure that you’ll have a difficult time figuring out what the hell they’re trying to say.
David Fleming
Scoop Jackson

Carmen San Diego Division
It’s inexplicable that these pictures don’t appear on the author’s page at the bottom, yet the articles do appear. Unless you invent some sort of wild conspiracy theory involving scandalous pictures, which I won’t do because I don’t know how to Photoshop.
Todd Boyd (often)
Jonah Keri

“Aren’t those just words dumb people use to sound smart?” Collective
Some writers believe that even if you’re writing drivel, if you throw in enough big words it’ll look profound and meaningful. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: obfuscation through elocution is not elucidation.
Todd Boyd
Jeff Pearlman

Pele Who? Relegation League
There are some things that no matter how much you push them on me, I’ll only resist them because I don’t care. I understand that it’s not their fault I don’t care, so I won’t insult them. I’ll just say that I never read what they write because I don’t care. Have I mentioned that I don’t care?
Patrick Hruby
Paul Lukas

Hoary old chestnut roasters
Great writers can help us to see something from a totally new viewpoint by bringing a fresh viewpoint to a familiar topic. That’ll never happen to these writers, since they ceaselessly rehash the same exact stories over and over and over again.
Mary Buckheit
LZ Granderson
Jemele Hill

Twister! Masters
I love this group, because they go through the most torturous contortions known to man in order to address some topic tangential to sports. Of course, it’s almost unanimously “Bush lied, people died!” but I’m sure that after the 2008 elections they’ll find something new to carp on.
Jim Caple
Gregg Easterbrook
Jeff Pearlman
(bonus points for his recurrent anti-Jesus theme)

The Peter Principle
Maybe they’ll develop into top-notch talent someday. As of now, that day has not yet come.
Jemele Hill
Patrick Hruby
Eric Neel
Kurt Snibbe

Walter Durantly Memorial Award
When ESPN needs a company voice to sally forth and defend the indefensible, they know who to trust to bring home the bacon. Whether it’s pumping up the AFL (partially owned by ESPN) or excusing Colin Cowherd’s latest excess, you can always count on a homer to look the other way as thousands of Ukranians starve in the gulag.
[Note: I am aware that I have earned entry in the Twister! division for that paragraph alone]
Le Anne Schreiber

Keep a defibrillator handy
As Bill Murray said to Punxsatawney Phil, “Don’t drive angry!” These writers should really remember that, as their palpable anger seethes from every word. Or go ahead and get angioplasty now, whichever one will bump up their life expectancy.
Jim Caple
Tim Keown

Caldecott Awards Honorees
These award-winning writers can always be counted on to provide well-written, thoughtful material on sports and society today or a humorous insight into the foibles of the sports world.
(This section closed until further notice)

Happy reading!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

New Devil Rays Stadium

Apparently the Tampa Bay Rays are going to have a new stadium that looks like this:

It's a giant sail so that the team can easily fly away after another futile season to a town that won't mind that they suck. Then, when things go bad there...

Raise the sail, boys!

Clinton Campaign Word of the Day

Today’s word is Reminiscent

Reminiscent: (adj) bringing to mind something similar, suggestive

“The way that Michelle Obama talks about Barack’s plan for Americans is reminiscent of the way that Nazis discussed their plans for Germany before their rise to power.”

San Francisco names Monster Defense Coordinator

As part of his continuing quest to protect San Francisco from real, imagined, and existential threats, Mayor Gavin Newsome created a $160,000-a-year job to have a cabinet-level aide with the title Director of Monster Defense.

The position will be filled by E. Roderick “Willy” Wilson, who has been service as a consultant for the city for the past four years. The mayor said in a press conference that Wilson will “provide for the defense of every San Franciscan against the most serious threat facing us today: that a hundred-meter tall monster will rise up from the bay, snap the Golden Gate Bridge in half, fill Alcatraz with radioactive feces, and disrupt kayaking in McCovey Cove.”

Some local residents wondered how a city budget already $233 million overbudget would pay for the new initiatives, with some even suggesting drastic measures might be necessary.

Local business owner Carlee Simons asked if “cutting back on the Gay Days parade and reducing hobo removal in Haight-Ashbury is really worth having one more person telling us how likely we are to be eaten by mutated shark-men from the bay? I’d rather have a Dirty Harry museum, personally.”

But other residents were happy. “I don’t care if we have a hundred coordinators to help stave off death by these real-life Cloverfields,” said Gabrielle Mebcull of COMA, the Californians Opposed to Monster Attack. “There is no single more pressing issue facing us today than GMA. Maybe if some Washington politicians were interested in saving the world instead of scoring cheap rhetorical points, we wouldn’t need to bankrupt San Francisco solving the problem.”

Walter K. Mondale, who was in nearby Los Angeles to receive the Oscar for “Best Behind-the-scenes Movie” for his film The Making of An Uninvited Guest, Producer’s Cut, applauded the move. “I know that many people will look at the salary and think it’s a lot, but personally, I make ten times that annually warning about the coming monster apocalypse. So there’s still plenty of room to grow this important activity in San Francisco.”

Grim Milestones: 501 posts

This is my 501st post. There is no humor in it whatsoever, I just thought that was worth noting.

You think you just lost a little bit of your ilfe that you'll never get back reading that? It took me ten minutes to write this...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Clinton Campaign "Word of the Day"

Today's word is Happenstance

Happenstance: (n) Something occurring by luck or chance

"It's solely through happenstance that future president Hillary Clinton has lost ten states in a row, and is not a sign of problems with the campaign, the nominee, or the devotion of her legions of admirers."

Now Predicting: The future

Here are some predictions you can take to the bank. Or, failing that, be reasonably certain will happen within the next 12 months.

Hillary Clinton will not be the Democratic nominee for president
Instead, she’ll be the vice-president on McCain/Clinton, “the most amicable ticket in town.”

Someone will figure out a way to make money stalking celebrities
The next logical step from omnipresent paparazzi and is for somebody to create “fantasy stalking,” where you can pick out a lineup of stars to compete in things like “most blurred X-rated videos” and “most rehab visits.” It would bring American’s two passions into one!

Fat Jared from Subway will easily bounce back
Jared will reset his fifteen minutes by forming a “Dynamic Fitness Duo” with another down-and-out quasi-celebrity, Susan Powter. Calling themselves “Psycho Lesbo and Sandwich Boy” they will dish out can-do attitude, healthy recipes, and tips on how to hem size 64 pants.

Drug companies will invent drugs that sci-fi authors find impressive
But they’ll only do it because they’re blood-sucking profit leeches who want to siphon every last dollar out of your pockets, the bastards. They should nationalize the industry, because nationalized industries are renowned for their innovation.

“Weather is not climate” will not last into Spring
The first above-average temperature in Spring will bring a spate of global warming horror stories, complete with expert testimony from 72-year-old hikers talking about receding glaciers and concerned “Mathematical Climatological Forecasting” experts wringing their hands about the end of civilization as we know it. People buried under six feet of frozen snow in Wisconsin will call “bullshit.”

Sportswriters will go (a little bit more) crazy
Bill Bellicheck is already being portrayed as some kind of bizarre cross between Richard Nixon and Howard Hughes in the media. Just imagine what sportswriters will write between now and the start of football practice, when they don’t have anything else to do but obsess over whether Barack Obama is more like St. Peter or St. Paul.

The Internet IQ will reduce
It’s really inevitable that as Internet access gets easier and easier, and put into more and more items like toasters and shoes, the average IQ on the internet will revert to the average. Ergo, the Internet as a whole is getting stupider.

Fat Jared will be involved in scandal
The biggest tabloid scandal since OJ will rage this fall, involving Jared, allegations of bizarre sexual fetishes, and the phrase “Unlawful carnal knowledge of a sandwich.” Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Idiots will attempt to predict the future
Mission accomplished!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Castro Retires

Like many retirees, Fidel Castor needs to be aware that in the coming months if he doesn’t find something to fill his free time he’ll face the grim prospect of premature death.

So in order to help him live a long, happy retirement, here are some ideas for hobbies he can take up to fill those happy, golden years:

Get Involved in Local Politics
For many retirees this represents a way for them to stay active in community affairs. For Castro it provides a chance to keep tabs on those jockeying to fill the power vacuum who may decide that the retired Commandante represents a liability that needs to be neutralized.

Plant a Garden
One of the most enjoyable things is watching flowers grow as a result of your own hard work. And since Castro has years of experience shoveling manure, it is a natural outgrowth of his previous activity. And the well-constructed garden has tunnels which reach far underground and can be used as a hideout in case of emergency.

A lot of retirees rent an RV or join tour groups to see the great cities and natural wonders of the world. Castro may want to combine a visit to his Swiss bank with a skiing trip in the Alps, for example. In fact, why not relocate to a more favorable locale altogether to avoid the inevitable revenge that comes from a disgruntled former associates grasping for more political power?

Visit Old Friends
While it is true that Castro has outlived many of his peers, he still has plenty of admiring friends in high places all over the world. Some of them are even out of jail, and there’s a long list of European politicians who would be pleased to host him in perpetuity. And if that doesn’t work, he is held in high esteem in Venezuela, which would make a charming retirement location until the country collapses into chaos.

Volunteer Work
This is a fun way to stay involved and help those less fortunate than yourself when your career is finished. Since everyone in Cuba is less fortunate than Castro, he could even do this while staying a luxury resort! It’s also a good way to monitor the disaffected for signs that a second rebellion may be on the way.

Spend Time with your Family
Many find time in their later years to reconnect with the younger generations and leave their mark on those who will follow. However, some of Castro’s relatives have unfortunately ended up fled or dead, which makes keeping up with them somewhat difficult. And brother Raul may not appreciate Fidel blurring the chain of command by meddling too much with the family, whose business is still running the dictatorship that is Cuba.

Clinton Campaign “Word of the Day”

In an effort to not only engage but educate the undecided voter, Team Clinton has unveiled a new feature in their campaign mailings: the Word of the Day!

Today’s word is nefarious.

Nefarious: (adj) Shady or underhanded; sinister; illegal

Example: Did you know that Obama’s close friend, mentor, and financial backer Tony Rezko was involved in a number of shady and nefarious activities in Chicago, including ties to organized crime?

Pink, Beelzebub Divorce

Status of Contract on Soul Uncertain, say sources:

(I mean, seriously: was this the best picture they could find of the couple? Although if she's on the outs with her benefactor, it does explain her recent career struggles.)

Monday, February 18, 2008

Chavez: Que Lastima!

SECRET TRANSCRIPT from a meeting between Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez and his top ministers on February 16, 2008:

CHAVEZ: I want to destroy Mr. Danger! We will stop exporting oil to the US immediately!
RAFAEL (Oil and Energy Minister): Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA (Finance Minister): Nobody else can buy our oil. We will be broke within two months.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Make up the shortfall with a new tax!
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: But the black market already sells 98% of everything tax free. You will gain nothing. We will go broke within one month.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Call our friends in FARC and see if they have any drug money they can send us.
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: They said you can go FARC yourself after the negotiation debacle.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Call uncle Fidel in Cuba and see what he can do to help us.
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: Fidel is either dead or under house arrest after his corrupt brother Raul seized power during his colon surgery.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Then we will simply raise oil prices to the US to six hundred dollars a barrel!
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: Oil is fungible.
CHAVEZ: Como se dice?
CONSUELA: They will just buy it for market price elsewhere, and we go broke in two months.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Then tell me: how can I harm Mr. Danger? What can I do to make him return my phone calls? I am muy triste.
RAFAEL: You should put a mocking cartoon of el Diablo on every barrel of oil, so that his people see it and laugh at him.
CONSUELA: If we put a sticker on every barrel, we will go broke in six months.

CHAVEZ: How about this: we will put a cartoon sticker of Mr. Danger at the bottom of my gold presidential toilet. Can we afford that?
CONSUELA: Barely, el presidente.

CHAVEZ: Bueno! And Rafael, have Consuela thrown in prison and replaced with someone more agreeable.
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: Que lastima!

Democrats Begin Purges Early

In a stunning sign of electoral confidence, Democratic heavyweights begun the internecine bickering and political purging that accompanies a party which has long held political power, a sign of their commitment to changing the way that Washington works.

“We’re not even out of the primaries and the Clinton-Obama camps are tearing each other apart,” crowed DNC chairman Howard Dean. “It took Republicans twelve long years to reach this point, just another sign that they’re not committed to keeping pace with the 21st century.”

House leader Nancy Pelosi said that she was proud of the race baiting, fear mongering, and rigid ideology that was beginning to split the party in twain. “Most left-wing groups, like communists or socialists, wait until after they’ve won elections to begin purges. But not the Democratic party! We’re going to purge now and avoid the big post-election rush!”

Political observers said that the purges were risky, but might ultimately pay off. “There’s always a risk when you sunder your party before the general election instead of after it,” said a political scientist with the Cato Institute for Advanced Institutional Decline. “One of the biggest problems is that the dispirited groups don’t vote, and you never get to take power, so your purges of the general population can’t be effectively done. But after the Democrats’ success on ending the war, reigning in the budget, and increasing transparence in government, I think we can trust that Pelosi and Dean know what they’re doing.”

Friday, February 15, 2008

Congress to Investigate Hiltons

Fresh from his victory over Roger Clemens, Representative Henry Waxman (D-CA) announced today that he was launching a fresh, bipartisan investigation into the Hilton children.

"It's high time somebody brought these delinquent debutantes into line, and Congress is just the organization to do it," Waxman crowed to a roomful of rapt sports reporters. "Having straightened out Major League Baseball, and with my colleague Arlen Specter working on football, it's time to go after pantyless, boozehound, trust-fund babies, which polling indicates 96% of all voters absolutely despise."

House member Virginia Foxx (R-NC) said she couldn't wait for the hearings to get started. "Traditionally the parties flip a coin to see whether they support the prosecution or the defense, which is why I went so far out of my way to make an ass of myself supporting Clemens. But this time, one party can attack Barron Hilton and the other can attack Paris. It's a win-win situation!"

Nancy Pelosi said it was yet another example of the clockwork efficiency of the US congress. "It's high time that Congress took on somebody who had a lower approval rating than we do, and we just didn't feel right piling on Britney Spears like everybody else has. But those incorrigible Hilton children? They deserve everything they get."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Time for a Sexy Lesson!

For Valentine’s Day, my wife bought me The Lover’s Guide Interactive – the Ultimate Guide to Sex.

At first I was really excited, because my wife is a prude and I thought she’d got me porn. But it turns out that it’s a how-to-get-it-on guide. I guess she felt like she needed lessons or something, and she thought it might be fun to watch together.

You know what? It really wasn’t.

It tries to get you to look at sex through the eyes of your partner, mostly by tight camera angles on their privates. From a scientific viewpoint, that’s interesting, but I’m really hoping never to be the woman during sex.

Well, not again, anyways.

The video is basically composed of three parts: an semi-sultry voiceover, the ‘Cootchie Cam’, and my personal favorite, “Sex in 3D." Unfortunately it's not hosted by Leonard Nemoy and doesn't have Jaws popping out and biting bikini-clad skiers in half, but you can’t have everything.

As far as being a how-to guide; well, it doesn’t at all cover things that you need to know, like how to clench your butt to hold in a fart during orgasm or top ten excuses for why you called out the wrong name during a fit of passion. This is where I need work; I can pretty much fake the rest of it.

Maybe there’s somebody out there that doesn’t know that Tab A goes in Slot B. I’m willing to guess that they don’t score all that often either, so this is unlikely to be an issue.

Another complaint: I still don’t get why they claim that it’s so interactive. I may not be the most well-hung guy in the world, but the hole in the DVD is far from “interactive” for me. I was a little insulted by the insinuation, to tell the truth.

And that whole “inside the vagina” thing? Wow, I thought Innerspace starring Martin Short was bad. This was a thousand times worse. I’m having second thoughts about sending my most valuable asset into such a hostile-looking place again, to be honest with you.

In short: if you ever wanted to be insulted and turned off and feel inadequate (the dude is packing some major heat) and have a semi-sultry voice narrate the contractions of the vaginal wall during intercourse, then this video is for you.

If you’ve never lusted for that, then you’re better off just getting Skinimax and catching the 11:00 Shannon Tweed movie.

New Clinton Campaign Slogans

In order to help energize her sagging support and boost her base, Team Clinton has unveiled several new campaign slogans designed to get out the vote in the critical ‘Firewall’ states of Ohio and Texas, where she expects to pull ahead for good in the Democratic primary.

  • Just as hurricanes break against the Texas shore, so will the Obama storm come to naught.

  • Ohio: Holding both Canada and progressives at bay for almost 200 years.

  • Nobody panders like a Clinton!

  • Remember the Alamo, and vote Clinton or have wave after wave of Che Guevara supporters marching through San Antonio

  • Rodham versus Hussein: Vote in the real Super bowl

  • If a loved one is on death row, remember: pardons are cheaper than a night in the Lincoln bedroom.

  • Hillary Clinton: she’s not saying that Barack Obama is a drug-dealing friend of convicted real-estate felons owned by shadowy foreign investors with the middle name of a Mideast tyrant; she’s just saying that she’s not.

Huckabee: God Would Want Me to Waste Money

Mike Huckabee told supporters today that he vowed to hang on and keep “spending campaign money on my own vanity, because that’s what Jesus would do in my situation.”

“I’m sitting on millions of dollars of campaign contributions, and I think the best way to use that money is to spend it publicizing myself,” Huckabee told five reporters who had missed their flight to cover valid candidates. “I could probably use the money to help the needy, or return it to donors who could use it during these difficult economic times, but I think ultimately it’ll be better used making sure people recognize my name during what will be my ill-fated campaign in 2012.”

The former Arkansas governor dismissed the notion that he would concede. “I’m not from a quitter religion like some people. I’m in this for the long haul, no matter how much of a fool or a jackass it makes me look like.”

Monday, February 11, 2008

Can You Help?

Did you know that Atlanta has almost 500 licensed adult entertainment venues, ranging from Swinging Richards to The Cheetah? If that sounds like a lot, then get ready for this: there used to be a lot more.

Did you also know that Atlanta has not hosted a major sporting event since the 1999 World Series? Since that time, the city has had to bear without a Superbowl, NBA finals, or World Series game. Only one NBA All-Star game, in 2003, has kept this industry from totally collapsing.

The impact has not been negligible: recent reports indicate that unemployment among the Atlanta adult entertainment sector is at its highest since the Olympic-related bust of 1997. Tipping has dropped precipitously as patrons have to decide whether to tuck a dollar in a garter or a gas tank.

Worse, more and more prospective adult entertainers are choosing college over G-Strings and Pasties as salaries remain flat and the possibility of a big legal payoff from a drug-fueled athletes’ binge become less and less likely for Atlanta-area entertainers.

This situation cannot continue in such an important, vital city.

That’s why it’s important for all of us to write our senators and congressmen to let them know that they need to stop fiddling around and stimulate this important part of the Atlanta economy! We, as a country, must let them know that all America wants to help them realize their dreams of gyrating nakedly on athletes, media personnel, and associated hangers-on.

It’s time to demand that the NFL stop flirting with frozen wastelands like Detroit and latter-day puritan hotspots like Arizona, and to tell the NBA to drag its All-Stars away from the casinos of Las Vegas and get them back to the beating heart of the South: Atlanta. It’s time for the Braves to not suck any more and get a World Series game in Atlanta so that hordes of overweight media personnel can feel sexy on company expense accounts.

That’s why I’m urging all of you out there to join this important project. Write your representatives today and tell them you want to see nubile southern belles naked!

Support the Initiative for a Nakeder Atlanta.

Superbowl Winners and Losers

Some leftover thoughts about the real winners and losers from Supberbowl XLII, a bright spot in the endless winter of presidential primaries:

WINNER: Reading Programs in Impoverished Countries: Students won’t just improve their English as they read “19-0: The Perfect Season”, they’ll also learn a valuable lesson about hubris.
LOSER: Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey: Tiki takes over mantle for “most unmissed retiree”, while Shockey must now endure teammates saying “shut up, moron, we only won the Superbowl without you.”

WINNER: Tom Petty: proved that reports of his death had been greatly exaggerated.
LOSER: Tom Petty: HDTV shows viewers that reports of his embalming may have been accurate.

WINNER: Ham-fisted oligarch: Already had a superbowl ring from the Patriots; now he can have a second one from the Giants.
LOSER: Lazy writers: finally have to delete “Can Manning win the big one?” from their autotext, or at least not use until the 2030’s when Petyon’s first kid enters the league.

WINNER: Jean Strahan: earns 50% of a Superbowl share, with none of the ligament damage. Who said men are smarter than women?
LOSER: Arizona-area VHS outlets: the expected “Bellicheck Boom” wasn’t realized since Patriots converted to digital after Spygate.

WINNER: The Manning family: saved from decades of fraternal squabbling.
LOSER: The Mara family: having lascivious writers publicly ogle your young daughter probably takes some of the fun away from the run-up to the Superbowl.

WINNER: Miami Dolphins: Now they’re not the only ones who choked away a perfect 2007 season.
LOSER: Joe Namath: Plaxico Burress showed he’s Broadway Joe’s equal. If Burress can keep from putting on pantyhose and slobbering on sideline reporters, he’ll have proven himself Namath’s superior.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Edwards Campaign: Make Me an Offer

A spokeswoman for preening narcissist John Edwards today announced that the well-coiffed candidate was taking offers “from the highest bidder” for his 26 Democratic delegates, which will be critical in the showdown shaping up between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

“Mr. Edwards is willing to consider any offer, of any magnitude, from an important post in the administration to a lifetime supply of hair gel. He wants both candidates to know that he can be bought, and bought cheaply, because he is just one evolutionary rung above a cockroach.”

A spokesman for Barack Obama said “I hope that Mr. Edwards will support us, as the main proponents of change, who will need a strong attorney general. But Mr. Obama will not engage in smoky-room politics, because he doesn’t smoke. But his opponent does, and we understand that it’s not all tobacco in those pipes, if you get our meaning.”

Speaking at a rally in Illinois, a Clinton supporter shot back that “Just because Mr. Obama allegedly prefers cocaine to weed doesn’t mean that he can get away with such spurious allegations. We also want Mr. Edwards to remember that Hillary is still looking for a top-notch vice presidential candidate, perhaps somebody with experience in national campaigning.”

Former Senator Mike Gravel, who is apparently a moron because he has not yet dropped out of the Democratic race, had a more blatant offer. “I promise to make John Edwards the undersecretary of transportation and commerce in exchange for his delegates, which would be an infinite amount more than I have right now.”

Apparently confused about the way the electoral system works, Ron Paul offered to make Edwards “Top conspiracy rooter-outer in my administration” in return for the delegates. Paul also added that he planned to “Hold to the gold!”

AP Can Tell the Future ?

According to the title of this story, the approval ratings for President Bush and Congress have hit the bottom. How can they possibly know this?

They’ve got ten more months together! If Congress pushes through a bill that gives every taxpayer a gold-plated toilet, then Bush vetoes it because it doesn’t have the $600 billion child-lunch-voucher program he wanted, I’m guessing that approval ratings would go down again.

The AP has no faith in the ability of these two to dig through solid rock in an effort to find zero.

Dissatisfied Customer Returns Book

An unnamed customer today returned the only copy of Douglas Schoen’s book Declaring Independence that has not been sold to Michael Bloomberg or one of his cronies, marking a desperate turning point for what had been billed as “a groundbreaking work preparing the route to the presidency for America’s most self-delusional billionaire.”

The book has sold well to Bloomberg and his hangers-on, whose efforts have rocketed it up to almost 12,500th on the best-sellers list. Rumors that Bloomberg purchased several thousand copies to hand out to people on streetcorners have not been confirmed.

The customer said that he thought the book was about the Declaration of Independence, and in his return mentioned that “if I wanted to wear a bib and be spoon-fed pabulum, I’d join one of those creepy men-in-diapers clubs.”

Schoen was not available for comment because he was polishing his cult statue of Bloomberg, who has been called “the greatest nanny since Mary Poppins.”

Thursday, February 7, 2008

McCain’s VP Candidate

While others are walking the well-trod paths to determine who eventual GOP nominee and presidential election runner-up John McCain will choose as his VP nominee, I remind you that this man is unconventional. Unpredictable. A maverick, as Ace of Spades might say.

So we need to look further afield for his VP candidate:

Romnar the Romulan
Pros: To casual observers Romulans look just like Vulcans, who are widely accepted in the Federation as being members in good standing. Good grasp of galactic economics, one of McCain’s weak points. Can resonate well with the parts of the electorate that McCain feels are alien.
Cons: Everybody knows they’re weird and part of some mysterious cabal.
Odds: 3 to 1

Huckleberry Hound
Pros: Polls well in the south, loved by anime-hating conservatives, has endorsement of noted action movie and TV star Hong Kong Phooey.
Cons: Is a dipshit.
Odds: 5 to 1

Hillary Clinton
Pros: McCain genuinely likes and respects her, and many conservatives consider her to be equivalent to McCain anyways.
Cons: May be the other nominee.
Odds: 10 to 1

Charles Foster Kane
Pros: Media magnate, and McCain has always gotten along well with the media.
Cons: Emotionally crippled since Frosty the Snowman stole his sleigh and used it to rob a liquor store.
Odds: 12 to 1

Pros: Knows how to handle stressful situations, from barrel-throwing monkeys to fire-breathing steel-shelled turtle kings.
Cons: NYT hates him, which might imperil McCain’s aspiration to get their endorsement for president. His position on monkey taunting may not match well with McCain’s opposition to torture.
Odds: 15 to 1

Pros: Supports John McCain’s position on anthropomorphic global warming.
Cons: Plotting to destroy civilization via glacial doom.
Odds: 16 to 1

Scarlett Johansson
Pros: Will bring some much-needed youth to the ticket, as well as adding some schwing! to their appearances to help offset McCain’s grim visage. Not shy about showing her assets.
Cons: Late-night strategy sessions are sure to cause trouble at home.
Odds: 18 to 1

Fred Thompson
Pros: Will bring conservatives back into the fold behind his campaign, is an able debater capable of outperforming his Democratic counterpart.
Cons: Gone fishin’ for the last six months or so.
Odds: 20 to 1

Zombie Ronald Reagan
Pros: Conservatives will vote for anything that has Reagan attached to it. They voted for the first Bush, didn’t they?
Cons: Influence of voodoo hounjins on McCain/Zombie Reagan ticket may turn off some on the religious right.
Odds: 50 to 1

Lou Dobbs
Pros: Would love to use the bully pulpit to help John McCain get even with those Wall Street fat-cat bastards.
Cons: Show only reaches about 500,000 retired cranks.
Odds: 75 to 1

Mr. Popo
Pros: Will help McCain to counter what is sure to be seen by some as a disadvantage for not having a woman or minority at the top of the ticket.
Cons: Many would consider his inclusion pandering at best, racist at worst.
Odds: 100 to 1

Ron Paul
Pros: Sure to bring in 100% of the lunatic/ racist/ conspiracist vote.
Cons: McCain’s mother keeps confusing him with William McKinley because of his affection for the gold standard.
Odds: 1000 to 1

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Scientists Fear Snowguera

As unusual winter weather grips much of the world, even halting Olympic preparation in China, some scientists have begun to question if this indicates a new monster will soon be appearing on the horizon to menace humanity.

Now, a researcher in Greenland has announced that a terrible threat to the world has indeed arisen, released from the ice in the Arctic by the receding glaciers. It has been dubbed Snowguera, which is Inuit for “Big Snow Monster.”

“It’s like a Yeti on steroids, only without the home run record,” said Rob Hvörkenvatterstallenheimer. “We heard about it two months ago, but just last week a local person snapped a picture of it before disappeared under the ice. At the time it was only ten feet tall, but we understand now it’s quickly grown to 30 stories tall and has a tail festooned with ice spikes from Pleistocene-era glaciers.”

Only Known picture of Snowguera, who will soon end civilization

The monster was released by global warming caused by SUVs, and climatologists feared that it would quickly begin trying to freeze the world to simulate its preferred environment. Researchers said that the icy monster’s grip over the weather has caused bizarre wintry weather throughout the world, including snow in the Middle East.

Gigantozoologist Timothy Lapenday said “my guess is it’s trying to goad a lesser monster like Mothra or Baragon into a fight so it can eat them and absorb their power. Then it will go after the big prey, like Godzilla, and if it succeeds we’ll all be popsicle appetizers for the offspring of this menace.”

Former vice president John K. Mondale told reporters in Hawaii from the latest GMA conference that he blamed President Bush for the problem. “If he’d ratified the Kong Pact, then we’d have hundreds of giant monkeys paddling around in the Arctic sea right now searching for Snowguera. But it’s all alone up there feasting on dead polar bears and drowned baby seals, getting bigger and bigger every day. When will humanity learn to trust large governmental bureaucracies to protect them from this kind of menace?”

Other scientists suggested that the photo was a fake, but Hvörkenvatterstallenheimer scoffed at the suggestion. “I’m a scientist. I can tell the difference between faddish nonsense and real data.”

Candidates Spend for Economy’s Sake

Putative Republican nominee John McCain might not know much about the economy, but the other presidential campaigns this week have shown that they have not only the knowledge but the experience to put the struggling US economy back on its feet.

Hillary Clinton, hoarsely bawling her eyes out at a campaign appearance, said that the close race was designed to “make sure we pump the millions of dollars of donations that we’ve collected into local media markets, where like seeds in the ground they will grow into massive revenue streams.”

At a separate event, Barack Obama repeated his campaign theme of hope and change. “I hope that this money can help change the hopelessness of local advertisers by giving them the ability to make changes to their equipment that will hopefully help them change the nature of the future to make it more hopeful.”

Campaign spending thus far has been over one hundred million dollars, much of it spent to employ sob-story actors, video montage preparers, and menacing-sounding voiceover specialists who otherwise struggle to earn a living between major sporting events. Much of the money has been collected from individual donors, many of whom work in totally unrelated industries, making it one of the largest charitable donations in US history.

John Edwards, until recently a Democratic candidate, said that he took credit for the focus on starving actors. “I was the one who started the drumbeat about poverty,” Edwards said. “Without me they’d be hoarding their money and spending it on giant mansions and private jets and stuff.”

A spokesman for Mike Huckabee, preening in the glow of unexpected campaign victories throughout the South, reiterated the former governor’s commitment to stimulating the economy. “Mike Huckabee knows that only massive campaign spending will get the economy back on track, so he will continue to derail Mitt Romney’s support and force Romney to pay out his own fortune as a stimulus package instead of him hoarding it for the betterment of some sinister, Salt Lake-based religious cabal.”

Mass. ACLU: Conservative = Nazi

I’m sorry, I found this too funny not to mention. In the comments of the Massachusetts ACLU’s post about Brandeis University, one of the commenters accuses the ACLU of not defending conservatives from free-speech infringements by Universities.

As a defense, a poster replies:

The ACLU does defend conservative speakers. Just to name a couple examples, we've defended the antigay Westboro Baptist Church, and we've even defended the free speech rights of Nazis
Not to draw too fine a point, but the lunatics at Westboro are hardly lockstep conservatives, since they picket not just gays but also Iraq war dead. They're universally despised by everybody, left right and center. But since religious=conservatives for most people, I could see where you could make this (specious) claim.

But the Nazis? They call themselves the National Socialists; it’s right in the link that he provides to the Wikipedia entry! They’re hardly conservatives. I think there's even a mildly successful book on this at Amazon.

If somebody says conservative and these are the examples that spring to your mind, perhaps you’re not being very open-minded.

Just a thought.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Canton Connection, Part 2

In New Hampshire we were witness to Diebold rigging an election to bring Hillary Clinton a much-needed victory. This perfidy was accomplished by using the NFL as a go-between for both contact and financial support.

Now, though, we have seen the depths to which the NFL is willing to stoop in order to help Hillary Clinton become president: they’ve rigged the Super Bowl! You didn’t really believe that the mighty Patriots could only score 14 points against the Giants and lose, did you?

How did they do this, you ask? It’s quite simple. Did you notice during the game that the shots of Peyton Manning in the second half looked remarkably like the ones from the first half? And that Peyton was both in the Giants locker room and inexplicably fatigued-looking after the game? This is because the Manning that threw the dramatic pass to get out of 3rd and 5 was Peyton himself! How else can you explain jittery Eli becoming cool-hand Luke in the Superbowl?

Their other action was far more diabolical. Bill Bellicheck coached the entire game inexplicably attired in a red sweatshirt, rather than his trademark raggedy gray hoodie. Is there any surprise, then, that he struggled to find his coaching mojo and was distracted enough that he went for it on 4th and 13? This is the work of evil: stealing a man’s security hoodie just to win a football game.

Should we be surprised that as a young woman Hillary interned for the father of current NFL commissioner Roger Goodell? We should not: this conspiracy has been decades in the making, and it is like an onion: the more layers you peel back, the more it stinks.

But why would the NFL rig the Superbowl to allow the underdog Giants to win? How could this profit their preferred candidate? It is because of history, and the strange power of the Superbowl to affect the presidential election.

It is a fact that when the AFC wins the Superbowl, the Presidency changes parties (with one sinister exception). It is also a fact that when the NFC wins the Superbowl, the incumbent almost always cruises to victory.

The exception is this: George Bush won in 2000 when the NFC was victorious, and he won again in 2004 when the AFC won, which is all the more reason to cast doubt upon his hanging chads and electoral shenanigans. Everyone knows that Karl Rove has no respect for real election laws; we should not expect him to respect metaphysical ones, either.

What does this mean for the 2008 election?

One must always ask: who gains? How could Hillary gain by an NFC win, instead of an AFC win, if an NFC win is good for the incumbent?

The only candidate to ever successfully change the party of the Presidency during an NFC victory is Bill Clinton. The only candidate who is running that has presidential experience is Hillary Clinton, through her co-candidate and sometimes spouse, Bill Clinton.

If the AFC won, then she surely would be doomed: the incumbent (her husband) would have been lost and the presidential party either change (to Barack Obama) or stay in Republican hands (via the machinations of Karl Rove). But with an NFC victory intact, the Clintons’ electoral good-luck charm is secured and the only incumbent eligible to run can breathe a little easier.

I ask again: can any of us hope to stand against this sinister confluence of political corruption, big business, and major sports?

Magnetic North is not Profitable

This item caught my interest:
TOKYO (AFP) - The magical compass in the blockbuster fantasy film "The Golden Compass" has taken real shape, with a Japanese jeweller unveiling a 30-million-yen (281,400-dollar) version made of gold…
The company said it had no plans to sell the compass, which was worth 30 million yen.
Of course they’re not going to sell it! To remain faithful to the movie they’d have to sell it for about 40% of what it cost to make it (110,000 dollars).

Who’d be stupid enough to get that kind of return on an investment, other than a movie studio?

Monday, February 4, 2008

Court Case Tests Town’s Tolerance

PULASKI, TN – A controversial court case has bitterly divided this once tight-knit community in the hills of Tennessee, which is known for the high quality of its apple pies and as the birthplace of the Ku Klux Klan.

The incident occurred six weeks ago at Mount Jezebel Women’s Prison, a minimum-security prison that recently served as the backdrop for “Caged Heat 4: Good Behavior.” Four inmates were competing to win the prison Scrabble tournament when one of them, Janet “Ice-Nipple” Foxington, accused her opponent Cathy Gasser of changing the point value of a “K” from 5 to 8 in order to capitalize on a triple word score.

Gasser, who is nine months pregnant, became incensed and rammed her scrabble tray into Foxington’s left breast. The attack ruptured Foxington’s silicon enhancement, recently inserted under the prison’s self-esteem enhancement program, spraying three other inmates and causing eye damage.

Guards were ultimately forced to turn high-pressure hoses onto the melee to restore the yard to order. Prison officials said that there were no other reported injuries, although the violence did mar the end of “Bring your Child to the Yard” day.

Gasser was already upset by Foxington’s use of the word ‘bastard’ the previous turn as well her opponents’ use of the words ‘whore’ and ‘lascivious.’ Although she complained, the tournament judge had allowed all of the words. Gasser had just played ‘kat’ before the stabbing.

The case has aroused passions in Pulaski, where Scrabble joins church and racially-motivated hate crimes as the foundation for the community. Many of the residents want to see Gasser receive a strict sentence for defacing a tile in play, with some suggesting that her unborn child should be treated as an accomplice and tried as an adult.

“There is no acceptable excuse, pardon, or reprieve that can be imagined for such a malevolent crime,” said Mervin P. ‘Scooter’ Pugnam. “To carve a new point value in a tile is unimaginably vile.”

Others felt that Gasser was pushed into the crime by Foxington. Typical of their opinion was Gasser’s mother, Vonda K. Whatworthy, who said “How can they expect her and her baby to look the other way when they’re calling her a whore and making up words like luscibulous!”

The prison warden and only male staffer, Warden Roscoe Coaltrain, said he was sorry that the incident marred the image of his prison. “We run a clean facility here, without a hint of scandal besides the inexplicably high number of pregnancies among inmates. But I blame the ‘Poontang Phantom’ that roams the prison at night, handing out cases of cigarettes for sexual favors. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. Nobody has ever seen the so-called Phantom. And I have to chase off meddling teens all the time to keep it that way.”

The case was due to be heard this week by Judge Chamberlain Haller, but had to be postponed. A court statement said that “despite everyone dressing up in their best sweatpants, we cannot continue without Ms. Gasser, who is giving birth. Also, Warden Coaltrain is not available to testify because he also has business at the county hospital.”

[Editor: very loosely based on a true story]

Patriots Sign Last Available Manning

In his first public comments following the Patriots’ disappointing Superbowl loss, Bill Bellicheck announced that he was activating Plan M, which he described as “a way for us to harness the power of the Mannings for good instead of for evil.”

“Who beat us last year?” Bellicheck, still inexplicably attired in his blood-red hoodie instead of the trademark gray, asked a roomful of reporters too frightened to interrupt him. “Who beat us in the Superbowl? Those punk Manning kids, that’s who. But they have another brother, Cooper, who’s undrafted and available. So we’ve traded his employer five hundred thousand dollars for him, and we’ll be suiting him up this fall. To make cap room, we’re going to cut Troy Brown again and try to re-sign him for a Sizzler coupon book.”

Cooper Manning, who is a receiver, retired from football in 1992 because of health issues. Tedy Bruschi has been assigned by the Patriots to begin harassing Manning and telling him “if I can come back from a stroke, you can stop being a pussy and suit up too.”

Patriots star QB Tom Brady was excited about the new receiver. “Our receiving corps really fell apart in the playoffs, and we’re looking forward to having Coop out there to haul in those passes during crunch time, just like his brothers came up clutch and ended our seasons the last two years.”

Randy Moss, the former malcontent who has been a model citizen for the Patriots, was initially unhappy with the signing, but changed his attitude after the Bellicheck Mind Control Device took over his cerebrum. “It is good for the team,” he said in an ominous monotone. “I am looking forward to it.”

The signing sent a ripple through the sports-talk industry, still atwitter over the Patriots collapse in SB XLII. SI’s Peter King wrote that “It’s almost as exciting as the news that Brett Favre is beginning to think about discussing when he and his wife will talk about his possible consideration of retirement!”

Patriots super-fan and columnist Bill Simmons announced he “will have a permanent woody from now until the next crushing Patriots loss late in 2008” and announced the “Bill Simmons Face” which “is the face that I make when hung over from drinking to forget the loss of a once-in-a-lifetime perfect season to a QB I detest while surfing the net on the toilet constipated from too much cheese dip and discovering that your wife forecasts football games better than you do.”

Not to be outdone, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced that he’d offered Archie Manning $50 million to come out of retirement as quarterback/offensive coordinator, but that the elder Manning “kicked me in the nuts and told me to get lost.”

Undeterred, Snyder upped his offer to $75 million and said that “if I quite every time I got kicked in the nuts, I’d never have gotten married.” He is currently awaiting a response from Archie while wearing a cup.