Art Thieves Steal Lunch Pail from Guggenheim

Would-be art thieves today stormed the Guggenheim museum in New York in a daring daylight robbery and made away with some garbage and a guard’s lunch pail. Loss from the theft, latest in a string that has plagued the art world, was estimated at fifteen dollars and change.

“It was terrifying,” said guard Gary Peterson. “I was scared out of my wits. They were waving guns around and grabbing up everything they could. I tried to tell them it was just my lunchbox, but they thought it was modern art and really valuable. The worst part was, it had my February issue of Swank in there, and I hadn’t read the articles yet.”

Museum curators said that the garbage was left over from their latest exhibit by European conceptual artist Öéçù, who uses it to “present a less bourgeois view of the interconnectedness of all living and nonliving creatures that sustain our normative views of climate and society.” They said the garbage could easily be replaced by wearing a Red Sox cap at the next Yankees game.

Police officials said that they were combing the city for leads and hoped to locate the missing lunchbox quickly. “That issue of Swank sold out really fast, because it had the Lindsey Lohan naked pictures in there,” said police chief Walter Mitty. “A lot of guys down at the station aren’t too educated on the Internets, so they still need it in print. Besides, who wants to lug a computer into the john?”