Friday, February 8, 2008

Edwards Campaign: Make Me an Offer

A spokeswoman for preening narcissist John Edwards today announced that the well-coiffed candidate was taking offers “from the highest bidder” for his 26 Democratic delegates, which will be critical in the showdown shaping up between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

“Mr. Edwards is willing to consider any offer, of any magnitude, from an important post in the administration to a lifetime supply of hair gel. He wants both candidates to know that he can be bought, and bought cheaply, because he is just one evolutionary rung above a cockroach.”

A spokesman for Barack Obama said “I hope that Mr. Edwards will support us, as the main proponents of change, who will need a strong attorney general. But Mr. Obama will not engage in smoky-room politics, because he doesn’t smoke. But his opponent does, and we understand that it’s not all tobacco in those pipes, if you get our meaning.”

Speaking at a rally in Illinois, a Clinton supporter shot back that “Just because Mr. Obama allegedly prefers cocaine to weed doesn’t mean that he can get away with such spurious allegations. We also want Mr. Edwards to remember that Hillary is still looking for a top-notch vice presidential candidate, perhaps somebody with experience in national campaigning.”

Former Senator Mike Gravel, who is apparently a moron because he has not yet dropped out of the Democratic race, had a more blatant offer. “I promise to make John Edwards the undersecretary of transportation and commerce in exchange for his delegates, which would be an infinite amount more than I have right now.”

Apparently confused about the way the electoral system works, Ron Paul offered to make Edwards “Top conspiracy rooter-outer in my administration” in return for the delegates. Paul also added that he planned to “Hold to the gold!”

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