Dissatisfied Customer Returns Book

An unnamed customer today returned the only copy of Douglas Schoen’s book Declaring Independence that has not been sold to Michael Bloomberg or one of his cronies, marking a desperate turning point for what had been billed as “a groundbreaking work preparing the route to the presidency for America’s most self-delusional billionaire.”

The book has sold well to Bloomberg and his hangers-on, whose efforts have rocketed it up to almost 12,500th on the best-sellers list. Rumors that Bloomberg purchased several thousand copies to hand out to people on streetcorners have not been confirmed.

The customer said that he thought the book was about the Declaration of Independence, and in his return mentioned that “if I wanted to wear a bib and be spoon-fed pabulum, I’d join one of those creepy men-in-diapers clubs.”

Schoen was not available for comment because he was polishing his cult statue of Bloomberg, who has been called “the greatest nanny since Mary Poppins.”