Classifieds of the Damned

Help Wanted

PRESTIGIOUS Awards ceremony seeks host with charm, grace, and distinguished manner capable of keeping audience awake and acceptance speeches short. No old people or minorities need apply. Contact AAMPAS@commies.org

ONCE-REPUTABLE newspaper seeks dedicated progressives who can cover their tracks better than the slipshod morons we currently have as senior editors. Please provide evidence of experience and a ten-point outline of the proper way to slime Republican presidential candidates. Contact pennystoxx@nyt.com

CLIMATE alarmist caught off-guard by harsh winter seeks anecdotal stories of polar bears eating their young as they drown on stranded ice floes. Will pay 10 cents a word. Send to damnitscold@generationinvestment.com

UP-AND-COMING presidential candidate seeks someone who knows something about math to help me make up impressive-sounding statistics to show that America is a hellhole that is descending into ruin. Contact messiah@DNC.gov

CROTCHETY old man needs somebody who knows the value of a dollar to help him with day-to-day money issues. Knowledge of world money markets and international finance a plus. Contact getoffmylawn@GOP.gov

Seeking Positions

SELF-centered clubhouse cancer seeks position with team-oriented club. Skills include hitting home runs, furniture arrangement, and testifying before grand juries. May have availability issues after June. Does not play defense. Contact bighead@creakyknees.mlb

FORMER frontrunner seeks position which helps salvage some of my former dignity. Willing to consider seedy roadhouse dives or wearing a bear suit in a dunking booth. Contact ohgodwillthiseverend@whereisbill.com

OSCAR-winning, Nobel Prize laureate seeks upper management position with global firm dedicated to pushing questionable science for enrichment of shareholders. Will consider janitorial work as well. Excellent Powerpoint skills. Contact formermessiah@generationinvestment.com

I DON’T KNOW THE MEANING OF ‘QUIT.’ That’s just one of the many words I don’t know the meaning of! Certifiable moron seeks position doing anything where I can continue to feed my narcissistic ego without producing tangible results. Contact huckster@ark.gov

For Sale

READ the real history of the US that the government doesn’t want you to know, like how the blacks are conspiring with the Jews to destroy the US and turn it into a totalitarian state! Order copies of this anonymous (wink, wink) pamphlet while supplies last! Contact DrRon@nimrod.tx

PALATIAL mansion, complete with zoo, aquarium, skinny-dipping pool, and local amusement park. Possibly haunted, as mysterious white figure seen skulking about at night. Perfect for children’s parties. $25 million or best offer. Contact freak@weirdo.perv

Personals

SEXY, soon-to-be-single retiree seeks adventurous ladies who don’t mind paying exorbitant dry-cleaning bill and hobnobbing with terrorists. Must provide body photo and proof of clean bill-of-health (crabs are okay). Contact setmefree@hillsdone.com

WIDE-STANCED congressman seeks experienced campaign manager to help with day-to-day affairs such as organizing, polling the electorate, and shaking the dew off the lily. No women need apply. Contact drdemento@imnotgayjustadventurous.perv

DO YOU hate Bill O’Reilly? I do, too. Do you think GOP stands for Groping Old Perverts? I do, too. Do you foam at the mouth every time you think about George Bush and long for the day when he is put in prison and subjected to humiliations undreamed of by Andy Dufrense? I do, too. Contact keith@nobodywatchesme.msnbc