Thursday, February 14, 2008

Time for a Sexy Lesson!

For Valentine’s Day, my wife bought me The Lover’s Guide Interactive – the Ultimate Guide to Sex.

At first I was really excited, because my wife is a prude and I thought she’d got me porn. But it turns out that it’s a how-to-get-it-on guide. I guess she felt like she needed lessons or something, and she thought it might be fun to watch together.

You know what? It really wasn’t.

It tries to get you to look at sex through the eyes of your partner, mostly by tight camera angles on their privates. From a scientific viewpoint, that’s interesting, but I’m really hoping never to be the woman during sex.

Well, not again, anyways.

The video is basically composed of three parts: an semi-sultry voiceover, the ‘Cootchie Cam’, and my personal favorite, “Sex in 3D." Unfortunately it's not hosted by Leonard Nemoy and doesn't have Jaws popping out and biting bikini-clad skiers in half, but you can’t have everything.

As far as being a how-to guide; well, it doesn’t at all cover things that you need to know, like how to clench your butt to hold in a fart during orgasm or top ten excuses for why you called out the wrong name during a fit of passion. This is where I need work; I can pretty much fake the rest of it.

Maybe there’s somebody out there that doesn’t know that Tab A goes in Slot B. I’m willing to guess that they don’t score all that often either, so this is unlikely to be an issue.

Another complaint: I still don’t get why they claim that it’s so interactive. I may not be the most well-hung guy in the world, but the hole in the DVD is far from “interactive” for me. I was a little insulted by the insinuation, to tell the truth.

And that whole “inside the vagina” thing? Wow, I thought Innerspace starring Martin Short was bad. This was a thousand times worse. I’m having second thoughts about sending my most valuable asset into such a hostile-looking place again, to be honest with you.

In short: if you ever wanted to be insulted and turned off and feel inadequate (the dude is packing some major heat) and have a semi-sultry voice narrate the contractions of the vaginal wall during intercourse, then this video is for you.

If you’ve never lusted for that, then you’re better off just getting Skinimax and catching the 11:00 Shannon Tweed movie.

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