Monday, February 4, 2008

Patriots Sign Last Available Manning

In his first public comments following the Patriots’ disappointing Superbowl loss, Bill Bellicheck announced that he was activating Plan M, which he described as “a way for us to harness the power of the Mannings for good instead of for evil.”

“Who beat us last year?” Bellicheck, still inexplicably attired in his blood-red hoodie instead of the trademark gray, asked a roomful of reporters too frightened to interrupt him. “Who beat us in the Superbowl? Those punk Manning kids, that’s who. But they have another brother, Cooper, who’s undrafted and available. So we’ve traded his employer five hundred thousand dollars for him, and we’ll be suiting him up this fall. To make cap room, we’re going to cut Troy Brown again and try to re-sign him for a Sizzler coupon book.”

Cooper Manning, who is a receiver, retired from football in 1992 because of health issues. Tedy Bruschi has been assigned by the Patriots to begin harassing Manning and telling him “if I can come back from a stroke, you can stop being a pussy and suit up too.”

Patriots star QB Tom Brady was excited about the new receiver. “Our receiving corps really fell apart in the playoffs, and we’re looking forward to having Coop out there to haul in those passes during crunch time, just like his brothers came up clutch and ended our seasons the last two years.”

Randy Moss, the former malcontent who has been a model citizen for the Patriots, was initially unhappy with the signing, but changed his attitude after the Bellicheck Mind Control Device took over his cerebrum. “It is good for the team,” he said in an ominous monotone. “I am looking forward to it.”

The signing sent a ripple through the sports-talk industry, still atwitter over the Patriots collapse in SB XLII. SI’s Peter King wrote that “It’s almost as exciting as the news that Brett Favre is beginning to think about discussing when he and his wife will talk about his possible consideration of retirement!”

Patriots super-fan and columnist Bill Simmons announced he “will have a permanent woody from now until the next crushing Patriots loss late in 2008” and announced the “Bill Simmons Face” which “is the face that I make when hung over from drinking to forget the loss of a once-in-a-lifetime perfect season to a QB I detest while surfing the net on the toilet constipated from too much cheese dip and discovering that your wife forecasts football games better than you do.”

Not to be outdone, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced that he’d offered Archie Manning $50 million to come out of retirement as quarterback/offensive coordinator, but that the elder Manning “kicked me in the nuts and told me to get lost.”

Undeterred, Snyder upped his offer to $75 million and said that “if I quite every time I got kicked in the nuts, I’d never have gotten married.” He is currently awaiting a response from Archie while wearing a cup.

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