Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Scientists Fear Snowguera

As unusual winter weather grips much of the world, even halting Olympic preparation in China, some scientists have begun to question if this indicates a new monster will soon be appearing on the horizon to menace humanity.

Now, a researcher in Greenland has announced that a terrible threat to the world has indeed arisen, released from the ice in the Arctic by the receding glaciers. It has been dubbed Snowguera, which is Inuit for “Big Snow Monster.”

“It’s like a Yeti on steroids, only without the home run record,” said Rob Hv√∂rkenvatterstallenheimer. “We heard about it two months ago, but just last week a local person snapped a picture of it before disappeared under the ice. At the time it was only ten feet tall, but we understand now it’s quickly grown to 30 stories tall and has a tail festooned with ice spikes from Pleistocene-era glaciers.”

Only Known picture of Snowguera, who will soon end civilization

The monster was released by global warming caused by SUVs, and climatologists feared that it would quickly begin trying to freeze the world to simulate its preferred environment. Researchers said that the icy monster’s grip over the weather has caused bizarre wintry weather throughout the world, including snow in the Middle East.

Gigantozoologist Timothy Lapenday said “my guess is it’s trying to goad a lesser monster like Mothra or Baragon into a fight so it can eat them and absorb their power. Then it will go after the big prey, like Godzilla, and if it succeeds we’ll all be popsicle appetizers for the offspring of this menace.”

Former vice president John K. Mondale told reporters in Hawaii from the latest GMA conference that he blamed President Bush for the problem. “If he’d ratified the Kong Pact, then we’d have hundreds of giant monkeys paddling around in the Arctic sea right now searching for Snowguera. But it’s all alone up there feasting on dead polar bears and drowned baby seals, getting bigger and bigger every day. When will humanity learn to trust large governmental bureaucracies to protect them from this kind of menace?”

Other scientists suggested that the photo was a fake, but Hv√∂rkenvatterstallenheimer scoffed at the suggestion. “I’m a scientist. I can tell the difference between faddish nonsense and real data.”

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