Chavez: Que Lastima!

SECRET TRANSCRIPT from a meeting between Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez and his top ministers on February 16, 2008:

CHAVEZ: I want to destroy Mr. Danger! We will stop exporting oil to the US immediately!
RAFAEL (Oil and Energy Minister): Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA (Finance Minister): Nobody else can buy our oil. We will be broke within two months.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Make up the shortfall with a new tax!
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: But the black market already sells 98% of everything tax free. You will gain nothing. We will go broke within one month.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Call our friends in FARC and see if they have any drug money they can send us.
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: They said you can go FARC yourself after the negotiation debacle.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Call uncle Fidel in Cuba and see what he can do to help us.
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: Fidel is either dead or under house arrest after his corrupt brother Raul seized power during his colon surgery.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Then we will simply raise oil prices to the US to six hundred dollars a barrel!
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: Oil is fungible.
CHAVEZ: Como se dice?
CONSUELA: They will just buy it for market price elsewhere, and we go broke in two months.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Then tell me: how can I harm Mr. Danger? What can I do to make him return my phone calls? I am muy triste.
RAFAEL: You should put a mocking cartoon of el Diablo on every barrel of oil, so that his people see it and laugh at him.
CONSUELA: If we put a sticker on every barrel, we will go broke in six months.

CHAVEZ: How about this: we will put a cartoon sticker of Mr. Danger at the bottom of my gold presidential toilet. Can we afford that?
CONSUELA: Barely, el presidente.

CHAVEZ: Bueno! And Rafael, have Consuela thrown in prison and replaced with someone more agreeable.
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: Que lastima!