Rosie’s Wright Prose

when the usg implodes the wtc
so bush can bomb iraq
and the surgeon general makes diseases
to target left-handed gays
so bush can bomb iraq
and white people design schools
so black children fail
so bush can draft them into the army to bomb iraq
god damn america indeed

the rev is totally correct
hil and mccain and rush are all in on it
only obama can stand against
the giant forces trying to sweep us
up into a place where
nobody can see the sunlight
that sparkles in their soul

i can see that u
feel his truth too
vote for hope

Congressionalmania

My brother, who has never blogged in his life, scored tickets to be in the online gallery for the live premiere of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show. So he’s decided to start up his own blog so he can weblog the event. Not only do mom and dad love him best, he’s an asshole.

Meanwhile, as per his great idea last week, I’m set to liveblog the Congressional Hearings on Professional Wrestling on C-Span. I guess after they reformed baseball they figure they can clean up the sewer of gutter trash and ‘roid-heads that is professional wrestling. I’ve got my TiVo ready so I can make sure I get the quotes right. This should be great. Not.

I hope Victoria’s Secret debuts the new Kathy Bates thong.

Liveblog of the April 14 Congressional Hearings on Professional Wrestling:

10:30 AM: I just realized that if it weren't for the word "Professional" this would be the CHOW hearings. Instead it's CHOPW. Way to screw up the acronym, Congress. Anyway this appears to be a mixed committee of Representitives and Senators, which I didn't even think they did. But apparently everybody wants to be seen grilling the steroid freaks of wrestling, because all the big names are in the room. Ted Kennedy, Pelosi, Lieberman, Waxman, Arlen Specter, and even Larry Craig. Huh, you'd think he might want to stay away from issues involving big, sweaty men engaged in homo-erotic grappling. Or maybe not.

10:50 AM: They finally got through the introductions of the panelists and witnesses. We’ve got some real “celebrities” here today. Did you know that Hulk Hogan is now balder than George Costanza? He’s almost as buff, too. What’s the point of this, again? Anybody who’s seen a Slim Jim commercial knows that Macho Man Randy Savage is strung out on ‘roids. It’s not a “yes/no” question, it’s a “how much” question.

11:03 AM: First question comes from Teddy Kennedy, who needs the early slot because he’ll be getting plastered at lunch. His question (and I’ll take out the numerous “Ah” and “er” and other stumbles to save space): “How is it that Randy Orton is able to purposefully disqualify himself in No Way Out 2008, lose the match, and yet retain his title? Don’t you think you owe it to fans to have meaningful penalties when competitors seek to game the rules?” What the hell? I guess Ted had lunch early today or something. For the first time ever Vince McMahon is speechless, as is his lawyer, who had doubtless expected a different line of questioning.

11:05 AM: Thirty-five minutes into it and we get our first reference to wrestling as a sport, with no laughter from the gallery. Speaking of which, how did these seedy crackpots get past security in the capitol?

11:06: Ted cuts off Vince, asking him if it’s reasonable that a person could lose a match but retain his championship. Waxman adds that he wants to know what the difference between the different championship belts is. But Vince doesn’t get a word out; instead Specter answers for him, telling the others that “we’re not here to determine how Wrestling structures its championship system, which is no more convoluted than the BCS.”

11:11 AM: Pelosi is drilling McMahon and asking if he thinks the WWE Divas are good role models for girls. “I find it commendable that they enter the ring to defend their allies, but don’t you think they deserve costumes that don’t fly apart and reveal their breasts to forty million people?” She draws a comparison to Janet Jackson more torturous than the final scene of Braveheart, but Specter jumps on her with both feet telling her this is Pay-Per-View and not subject to the FCC.

11:15 AM: Have you ever noticed that Pelosi looks like she’s wearing a Nancy Pelosi plastic mask? Kind of like Mike Myers and the William Shatner mask in Halloween, only Myers is more competent about his business. Still, there’s been about two minutes of silence as she and Specter glower at each other across the room.

11:16 AM: Vince McMahon tries to be the voice of reason and promises that “at the WWE we push the envelope, but always keep it within acceptable social norms.” When Vince freaking McMahon is the voice of reason, the crazy train is off the rails, my friends.

11:34 AM: Well, this is the one hour point, and we’re almost to the fourth question. My brother just text messaged me to tell me that VS has come out with a new “PermaWet” tight white T-Shirt for big-breasted women. I hope it’s modeled by Roseanne Barr.

11:41 AM: Lieberman has finally finished his soliloquy about how wrestling was more pure back when Gorgeous George wore the spandex armor or some such bullshit like that. He’s asking Hulk Hogan if he can explain why so many good guys “go bad” and admonishing Hulk for not telling more people about the pain of his own time on the dark side. I never thought I’d agree with the Kos Kidz, but Lieberman might actually be suffering from dementia.

11:45 AM: The Hulkster didn’t get much time to answer before Waxman asked about possible EEOC implications of McMahon’s “Kiss My Ass” club and forcing people to join it. Specter jumped all over that one too, saying that Wrestling is a right-to-work endeavor and that Congress has no right to restrict McMahon’s employee policies.

11:47 AM: I’m gonna have to get a transcript, because even after rewinding this thing like ten times I can’t tell if Waxman, in a question about whether McMahon had more or less power than a typical sports commissioner, just referred to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell as a Kleagle or a Weiner. It’s gotta be the latter, though, because Democrats never stoop to using racial epithets.

11:48: Fireworks just before lunch, as Pelosi is telling McMahon that wrestling is a monopoly and has abused its power and thus needs to be controlled. McMahon’s protesting he’s an entertainer, but nobody’s listening to him anymore. Specter is saying other wrestling corporations have existed in the past and will exist in the future and is railing about free markets.

11:50 AM: BAM! Pelosi gaveled Specter to silence: “I sincerely hope that the assorted representatives will begin taking their roles seriously and do the people’s business!” Specter is not happy about that!

11:58 AM: Took a quick break to vomit, try to hang myself. Unfortunately I couldn’t find enough rope to get the job done. I got another text message from my brother: “Crotchless Panties are in This Season!” Bastard. I hope all the models have crabs.

12:05 PM: Okay, I admit I fast forwarded through some shit, and now Lieberman’s sitting on the other side of the room next to Specter. And there’s a buxom young blonde standing behind Kennedy now and whispering in his ear. I hope she brought a swimsuit, because when you hang out with Kennedy you need to be ready to go swimming at a moment’s notice.

12:08 PM: They just held the first vote, on whether to grant immunity to witnesses, and Lieberman voted with the Republicans. Pelosi is seriously pissed off now, and she bangs the gavel down like she'd rather be slamming it into Lieberman's skull. At least this is more entertaining than hearing Vince McMahon try to dodge questions about steroids.

12:10 PM: Kennedy and Craig are in an argument now. They’re both on their feet staring each other down, and suddenly the woman (who Kennedy introduced as his campaign manager, Honey Thize) has ripped off her conservative business suit to reveal a sequined bunny outfit and is cavorting behind Kennedy, trying to distract Craig! It’s not working.

12:13 PM: I’ve gotta repeat this exchange word for word, with Kennedy’s accent in full bloom:

Kennedy: You, er, ah, want, ah, that Wrestling is, erm, teaching ah children that cheating is, ah, wrong?
Craig: I’ve always taken the position that-
Kennedy: We know all about your, erm, wide stances!
Craig: Drunken murderer!
Kennedy: Cahk hunting dee-vee-ant!

12:14 PM: I guess Kennedy won, since Craig sat down first. Then Kennedy kind of listed and had to have help from Honey to sit. It reminded me of the way the Titanic sank in the movie. Speaking of which, you know what the difference is between Ted Kennedy and the Titanic? When the Titanic went down people helped each other get out of the water.

12:25 PM: Ten minutes of my life I’ll never get back: hearing Henry Waxman excoriate Vince McMahon for the Floyd Mayweather/Big Show fight, where Mayweather won by using brass knuckles. I think Waxman said “scurrilous” thirty times.

12:28 PM: Finally, some action! Specter kept telling McMahon he didn’t have to answer, since the integrity of wrestling isn’t in question, until finally Pelosi gaveled him out of order. He was so mad he made a big show of getting up and leaving the hearing, strolling down the aisle like he was just daring anyone to say anything. I didn't realize Arlen Specter had a pimp stroll. Waxman then tried to make some kind of point about how wrestling was corrupting other sports, for some reason bringing up Pacman Jones. Lieberman tried to make a joke about boxing being the only "pristine" sport left, but Pelosi was having none of it. I think maybe he's dead to her, she wouldn't even say his name, just "the Senator".

12:35 PM: Pelosi takes a turn now, totally ignoring Larry Craig. She bores in on McMahon about wrestlers using hidden weapons in violation of "league rules" (her words - does wrestling even count as a "league"?) She asks the Rock about that, and you can tell he's trying to distance himself from all this as much as possible. He tries to make a joke about how his arms are lethal weapons, and Pelosi dresses him down for making light of the potential for serious injury. Then, and I swear this is true, she shows a montage of wrestlers using "weapons". Mostly folding chairs but a few chains, some brass knuckles, and one truly awesome scene where Ric Flair goes to town on some guy with a cheese grater. (I kid you not). Afterwards Pelosi demands of Flair to know how long the guy was in the hospital. He tries to tell her he didn't really hurt the guy, but Pelosi is all "What about the blood"?

12:42 PM: As a side note, watching Pelosi question Ric Flair on splitscreen was like watching Granny berating Jed on The Beverly Hillbillies.

12:45 PM: Okay, now this is getting weird: Arlen Specter is back, and he’s wearing a ski mask like he’s going to rob a bank. He’s slammed down a nameplate that says “Phil A. Buster” in front of him and is sitting there with his arms crossed, leaning back, just daring anybody to speak to him. I think they’re afraid to make eye contact, personally.

12:48 PM: I think Senator Buster’s getting pissed that Pelosi won’t recognize him. She won’t even look at him. This is high comedy. I don’t even care that my brother just sent me a text message that the models are now circulating in the crowd so that the journalists can experience their new line of Nipple Perfume.

12:50 PM: Waxman starts talking about health care coverage for injured wrestlers when his mike goes dead. Senator Buster has jumped up on the table with a bullhorn and is now raving at the crowd about how Wrestling is an American tradition, how George Washington would have been the first Heavyweight champion, and the Democrats are trying to ruin a piece of America because they’re not patriotic. He says if anybody stands against them, they’re going to get hit by the Flying Subpoena.

12:55 PM: Pelosi’s had enough and she calls in the guards to take Senator Buster away. There’s a scuffle, and Specter holds up pretty well against three guys. They wrestle him down, though, and Pelosi tells them to “reveal who the Masked Senator really is!” They do and

12:56 PM: OH MY GOD! That’s not Arlen Specter! It’s NFL washout Heath Shuler. WTF?! I can’t believe it! What is a Blue Dog Democrat doing in league with Arlen Specter? Has the world gone mad?

12:57 PM: Suddenly here’s Arlen Specter and Trent Lott and Ted Stevens, all rushing the stage. They’re grabbing for the gavel and shouting at Pelosi, and POW! She drops Stevens with a gavel right between the eyes. I don’t like Nancy Pelosi, but she just lived every American’s dream.

12:59 PM: Jack Murtha just came out of the crowd and knocked over Trent Lott! Specter’s got the gavel, but he’s also got a big cut across his forehead. Pelosi’s nowhere to be seen. The crowd is really going crazy, hooting like the audience at a bad new Fox comedy.

1:01 PM: Honey Thize and Larry Craig are going at it, and she’s ripped his shirt off and I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! LARRY CRAIG WEARS A PINK CORSET WITH PURPLE BOWS ON IT! I’m speechless. I’d say that no one will ever respect Larry Craig again, but that day had probably already come and gone.

1:02 PM: There is a God, because my brother just texted me saying that VS is also debuting their new line of transvestite nipple jewelry at the show, the Hairy Pit Collection. Advantage: Plebian!

1:04 PM: Waxman has pulled off Lott’s hairpiece and is trying to make him eat it. Pelosi is at the edge of the room, guarded by about four or five other representatives, and is saying that this fight isn’t finished. She’s calling for her supporters to come back over but

1:05 PM: OH MY GOD! LIEBERMAN JUST HIT TED KENNEDY WITH A FOLDING CHAIR!!!!! THE WHALE IS BEACHED! REAPEAT: THE WHALE IS BEACHED!

1:07 PM: Specter’s up on the table with the mic ranting about how “Now is the time for a new world order! We are the Master Debaters! All will serve us! Republicans and Democrats are no more! We are the Master….Debaters!” He screams the last part in a high-pitched voice while Heath Shuler is flexing down at his feet, the veins on his neck straining to burst.

1:08 PM: The screen just went black. Wow. Are all Congressional hearings that good?

Chavez: Que Lastima!

SECRET TRANSCRIPT from a meeting between Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez and his top ministers on February 16, 2008:

CHAVEZ: I want to destroy Mr. Danger! We will stop exporting oil to the US immediately!
RAFAEL (Oil and Energy Minister): Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA (Finance Minister): Nobody else can buy our oil. We will be broke within two months.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Make up the shortfall with a new tax!
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: But the black market already sells 98% of everything tax free. You will gain nothing. We will go broke within one month.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Call our friends in FARC and see if they have any drug money they can send us.
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: They said you can go FARC yourself after the negotiation debacle.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Call uncle Fidel in Cuba and see what he can do to help us.
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: Fidel is either dead or under house arrest after his corrupt brother Raul seized power during his colon surgery.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Then we will simply raise oil prices to the US to six hundred dollars a barrel!
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: Oil is fungible.
CHAVEZ: Como se dice?
CONSUELA: They will just buy it for market price elsewhere, and we go broke in two months.

CHAVEZ: Que lastima! Then tell me: how can I harm Mr. Danger? What can I do to make him return my phone calls? I am muy triste.
RAFAEL: You should put a mocking cartoon of el Diablo on every barrel of oil, so that his people see it and laugh at him.
CONSUELA: If we put a sticker on every barrel, we will go broke in six months.

CHAVEZ: How about this: we will put a cartoon sticker of Mr. Danger at the bottom of my gold presidential toilet. Can we afford that?
CONSUELA: Barely, el presidente.

CHAVEZ: Bueno! And Rafael, have Consuela thrown in prison and replaced with someone more agreeable.
RAFAEL: Bueno, el presidente!
CONSUELA: Que lastima!

Eco Mad Libs!

Here’s a fun little Mad Lib for you to do with your friends. I based it on a ridiculous article in USA Today, titled something like “Climate Change will Hit Kids Hardest.” In order to save journalists and alarmists time, this simple form can be used to prepare a boilerplate article about the upcoming eco-doom that will destroy us all.

Simply fill in the following:

(1) Organization
(2) Major Award
(3) Extinct Animal
(4) Animal
(5) Five Random Letters
(6) Industry you like
(7) Industry that you don’t like
(8) Chemical Element
(9) Disease
(10) Type of Death
(11) Country You Admire
(12) Native People of Any Region
(13) Musical Instrument
(14) Lucrative Industry
(15) Country You Hate
(16) Two Types of Natural Disaster
(17) Color
(18) Number between 1 and 100

Now the fun begins:

Report: Climate Change Disaster Sooner, Not Later

A report issued last week by the ________(1) stated that the threat of climate change was “much farther advanced than anyone expected” and warned of impending and irreversible disaster unless “immediate and drastic steps are taken to alleviate this dire threat to human civilization.”

Al Gore, winner of ________(2), said that the report did not surprise him at all. “We know that anthropomorphic climate change already claimed the ________(3), and it gravely threatens the ________(4).”

Hunt Gushman, of ________(5), said that the report didn’t go far enough in recommending changes. “We need to do make major steps in every sector of our economy. Although we’ve done well in ________(6), there are a lot of areas where we’re falling behind. One example is in ________(7), where we still emit massive amounts of ________(8), which some studies have shown cause ________(9) and an increased risk of fatality from ________(10) in surrounding communities, especially among children.”

The report said that one example for other countries to follow could be found in ________(11), where the native population of ________(12) has been encouraged to expand their traditional production of ________(13) in place of more ecologically destructive activities, such as casino gambling or ________(14).

But a spokesman for ________(15) blasted the report, saying that it was “naïve and unhelpful” in the discussion of global climate change. However, their comments were dismissed since they are known deniers of the clear science that has shown an increase of ________(16) in the past 20 years due to human activity.

“We’re living on borrowed time, and I’m ________(17) with fear,” said Gore. “The Earth has been here for billions of years, but thanks to us there’s only ________(18) years left until total meltdown.”
------------------Cut Here--------------------------------------------

Here’s an example of a completed Eco-Mad-Lib:

Report: Climate Change Disaster Sooner, Not Later

A report issued last week by the Meat Advisory Council stated that the threat of climate change was “much farther advanced than anyone expected” and warned of impending and irreversible disaster unless “immediate and drastic steps are taken to alleviate this dire threat to human civilization.”

Al Gore, winner of the BET Entertainer of the Year, said that the report did not surprise him at all. “We know that anthropomorphic climate change already claimed the Tyrannosaurus Rex, and it gravely threatens the Blue-Footed Boobie.”

Hunt Gushman, of ASPCA, said that the report didn’t go far enough in recommending changes. “We need to do make major steps in every sector of our economy. Although we’ve done well in Portable Toilet Transport, there are a lot of areas where we’re falling behind. One example is in Tennis Court Resurfacing, where we still emit massive amounts of Antimony, which some studies have shown cause Scabies and an increased risk of fatality from Autoerotic Asphyxiation in surrounding communities, especially among children.”

The report said that one example for other countries to follow could be found in Liechtenstein, where the native population of Inuit has been encouraged to expand their traditional production of Ukuleles in place of more ecologically destructive activities, such as casino gambling or Software Programming.

But a spokesman for Djibouti blasted the report, saying that it was “naïve and unhelpful” in the discussion of global climate change. However, their comments were dismissed since they are known deniers of the clear science that has shown an increase of Volcanic Eruption and Cicada Infestation in the past 20 years due to human activity.

“We’re living on borrowed time, and I’m Yellow with fear,” said Gore. “The Earth has been here for billions of years, but thanks to us there’s only 21 years left until total meltdown.”

A Word from our New SCHIP Spokesman

Hello, my name is Richard, and I want to talk to you about the need to extend the SCHIP program to all the children out there that need it. My parents work really hard, and they’re always there for me, but money just doesn’t go as far as it used to. After we pay the mortgage, food, gas, clothing, the butler, and all the other little necessities, there’s just not enough for health insurance. And there are millions and millions of kids out there, just like me, who are in the same situation.

I want to talk to you about my older brother, Casper. A few years ago he got really sick, and even though mom and dad tried to get government assistance, it’s been cut so badly that they were turned away. For several years Casper got sicker and sicker, and he finally died because we couldn’t afford the high cost of prescription drugs because of the price-gouging of the drug companies, much less the gas to drive back and forth to the doctor’s office.

There are a lot of Caspers out there, living in nice little houses in the suburbs where mom and dad are feeling the subprime mortgage crunch and can’t scrape up enough to get health insurance.

That’s why the Democrats have created SCHIP program, to save all the other Caspers out there. At least, it would save them if President Bush hadn’t vetoed it to divert funds for an illegal war. If I could talk to Bush, I would ask him “Why do you hate Iraqi children more than you love American children?”

Good night, and God bless us, every one.

The Ten Commandments of Climate Change

LISTEN TO ME, OH BENIGHTED CHILDREN OF MEN! I bring to you these ten commandments of Global Climate Change, which thou shalt hear and obey henceforth so as to walk in the path that leads to carbon righteousness. Woe be to those who crave the fossil fuels, for it would be better for them that they had never learned to drive than that they continue to emit the invisible gas which slowly chokes us unto death.

Hear now my commandments:

1) I am the Arbiter of Science. Thou shalt have no other arbiters before me.

2) Thou shalt support thy Arbiter in all things, and at all times, and for every purpose. Regardless of the inanity of my statements, thou shalt accept them as gospel. Thou shalt propose me as the winner of any and all awards, regardless of its description or purpose or my fundamental lack of merit. I am thy Arbiter.

3) Thou shalt purchase only a Prius, yet keep it parked. I am thy Arbiter.

4) Thou shalt not emit. Emitting is for thine arbiter, as he flyeth about to correct thee for thy sins against nature itself. Thine emittance is a sin. I am thy Arbiter.

5) Thou shalt suffer not criticism against me. All gainsayers must be labeled as tools, stooges, and wretches of the lowest possible moral fiber. I am thy Arbiter.

6) Thou shalt buy abatements from my company, which verily doth sell them, though they be nearly unverifiable. Thou shalt buy them in abundance. I am thy Arbiter.

7) Thou shalt not visit those web sites which gainsay me, nor shall thou readeth Michael Crichton, for he speaketh with the golden tongue of the devil himself. I am thy Arbiter.

8) Thou shalt accept Climate Change as the reason for all things. For everything there is a season, which is either hotter or colder or the same because of Anthropomorphic Climate Change. I am thy Arbiter.

9) Thou shalt not employ logic, nor correct thy fallacies. Logic is the tool of the unbelievers and the faithless, and you shall abandon it at all costs. Stray not from the one true path, nor acknowledge one speck of contrary data. I am thy Arbiter.

10) Thou shalt honor and obey my apostles, the stars and starlets, who speaketh with my voice and act through my will. They shall be as Arbiters to you as well, unless they should speak against me, and thenceforth earn my wrath and scorn until they have served penance by purchasing mighty offsets from my company. I am thy Arbiter.

In all these things thou shalt act with faith for me, thy Arbiter, and the decider of science and the right.

I am thy Arbiter.

[UPDATE: Thanks for the many links out there, I realy appreciate it. I also fixed a dangling "they" in commandment 9. If you enjoyed this, you may enjoy A Democrat's Prayer also.]

Curious George and the Child Safety Advocates

This is George. Even though he’s a monkey, George is a lot like you: he’s young, has a bright future, and probably has negligent parents, guardians, or caregivers. Fortunately, Child Safety Advocacy Groups are working with local governments and law enforcement to help protect children like you and George. Let’s watch George as he demonstrates some of the many ways that today’s lifestyle is dangerously unacceptable for children just like you.

This is George riding a bicycle. This is not good. Where is George’s helmet? Where are his kneepads? Where is the supervising adult? Roads today are clogged with drivers choking on their own rage, most of them drunk or high or both. It is never safe to ride a bicycle. It is certain that soon George will be hit by an SUV driven by a drunk on a cell phone. Do not ever do this.

This is George working as a window washer. This is wrong. Children should never be forced to work. If your parents, guardians, or caregivers ever force you to work for money, you must immediately notify a teacher or other non-parent, guardian, or caregiver so that they can help you, usually by calling the police. Then, some nice people called the Fosters will take care of you while your parents talk to a judge about why you have to work so hard. Once your parents agree not to make you work any more, you can go live with them again.

Here, George is working on a movie. This is not the same as manual labor, because if you work on a movie you could be famous someday, and everybody wants to be famous. So this is good. But working on a movie is hard, and takes up to nineteen hours a day. If you are fortunate enough to work in movies or television you should be grateful for the opportunity. Playing sports for money is also good for you. Sports are only unhealthy if they are done competitively for fun. Otherwise, you can be sure that the adults in charge have your best interests at heart.

Here is George smoking. This is very bad. Smoking is a way for evil American Southerners to oppress children, the uneducated, and the third world by exporting a cancerous weed that destroys families and causes gingivitis. The Child Safety Advocates are working on laws to prevent smoking everywhere except for the moon, and especially to outlaw smoking in the presence of children. If one of your parents, guardians, or caregivers smokes, be sure to tell your health professional about it at once so that they can help them to stop, and perhaps tell the Fosters to come take care of you for a while so your parent, guardian, or caregiver can clean up their act. You will like living with the Fosters; they are very nice.

This is George in prison. He picked up a stick, pointed it at another child, and said “bang”, so he will have to spend some time in jail. George will also need to see the psychiatrist. Any kind of play which can be construed as violent is the sign of an unbalanced mind and must be stopped immediately with the harshest possible consequences. If George had harassed another student, he wouldn’t even see the psychiatrist; he would be tried as an adult, registered as a sex offender, and jailed for life. That is what is best for George and for society.

Here is George in the hospital. He has broken his leg, probably after being hit by a crack-addled man in an SUV. The doctor is frowning because George doesn’t want to talk about his parents’ lifestyle or possible gun ownership. This is wrong. You must tell your doctor everything you know about your parent, guardian, or caregiver’s lifestyle and gun ownership. If you do not know the details, guess, or tell the doctor that it is a secret you’re not supposed to discuss. The doctor can decide whether or not the police need to make sure that your house is safe enough for you.

Here is George shopping alone in the city. Going shopping is dangerous, even moreso alone. Public areas are full of strangers, at least half of whom are men, the worst kind of strangers. Remember that if you are ever separated from your parent, guardian, or caregiver in a public place you are at high risk to be kidnapped, murdered, or both. It is critical that you find a “safe” stranger as soon as possible, since malls are full of male strangers searching for lost children so they can kidnap them. Here is the list of strangers by order of safeness:

1) Female nurse
2) Female police officer
3) Female teacher
4) Woman with children
5) Older woman
6) Woman without children
7) Shemale
8) Male police officer with feminine traits
9) Male police officer with mustache
10) Man accompanied by woman with children
11) Man with children

Under no circumstances should you approach a man without children. If you do, then you will end up like George here:

Huffington Post Baseball’s Dictators of the Diamond

A HuffPo Special Sports Analogy by Jim Swifty:

Since the worst US president ever (at least until General Pace gets his act together) used to be associated with major league baseball, we thought it’d be fun to put together a “Dictators of the Diamond” baseball team of the most bloodthirsty, country-wrecking, droolingly incompetent dictators of all time.

Don't look down here for your run of the mill dictators like Pol Pot, or wannabes like Saddam. These are the worst of the worst, a veritable all-star lineup of the damned, ready to start tonight in Hell's Stadium:

Starting Lineup
Abraham Lincoln (CF): From suspending habeus corpus to ignoring his generals, Lincoln wrote the textbook on how to destroy everything that makes America great. It has been well-read by team owner George Bush.

Richard Nixon (2B): The first of two criminals to have served as US president, Nixon was solely responsible for the debacle in Vietnam and was the first president whose cabinet was made up entirely of inept burglars. Only a great statesman like Jimmy Carter could hope to rebuild the shattered remains of the republic that this lizard-man left behind.

Ronald Reagan (DH): He may be old, and he may have lost a step, but he still swings a mean bat, just like he did when he set back civil rights and antagonized most of the free world with his ridiculous "Star Wars" plan. Conservatives have been hiding behind him for over 25 years now, even though he’s been dead or incapacitated for quite a few of them.

Mikhail Gorbachev (1B): Some people see Gorbachev as a great liberator of ordinary Russians who helped dissolve their empire into component parts. But without the wiser and more sober USSR to counterbalance American arrogance, we’ve been treated to Iraq, Afghanistan, and Darfur. So he definitely gets a starting spot in the lineup for being a dictator enabler.

Chiang Kai-shek (LF): For several years Chiang Kai-shek stood between the Chinese and modernity under the beneficent Mao Zedong. Finally driven off the mainland, he settled his tyrannical rule on Taiwan. As great as the Chinese economy and culture is today, just imagine how spectacular it would be if the country were whole. Well, it was this short-sighted jerk who kept that from happening.

Margaret Thatcher (SS): The “Iron Lady” helped push back progress in South America by 30 years when she bombed it back to the Stone Age during the Falklands war. Fortunately, Hugo Chavez has spent the last 10 years reminding us of the wonders that Socialism can work in solving the problems of the third world. She also set back labor rights in the United Kingdom, and everybody knows that the workers must control the means of production.

Shimon Peres (3B): Responsible for several massacres in Lebanon as well as being a willing participant in the new apartheid of the Palestinians, some people think that Peres finally got what was coming to him in 2006 when he suffered his massive stroke. Those people need to remember two words: life support.

Winston Churchill (C): He firebomed Dresden. He helped create apartheid South Africa. He brutally suppressed wartime England. He was responsible for the WWI disaster in Gallipoli. It was his inflammatory rhetoric that drove an otherwise peaceful painter known as Adolf Hitler into a killing frenzy that led to an atomic bomb being dropped on Nagasaki. Can anyone other than Churchill take credit for the disaster that was the 20th century?

Pope John Paul 2 (RF): Somehow this out-of-touch, self-hating, closet homosexual made Thatcher and Reagan look centrist by comparison. We would say he ruined the Catholic church, but it didn’t really amount to much anyway.

Pitchers
William F. Buckley (SP): Laying down rhetorical cover fire for this parade of miscreants and psychopaths, Buckley is a propagandist without peer.

Michelle Malkin (RP): If Buckley is a conservative Goebbels, then Malkin is his charming movie whore Liefenstahl, prancing around in her yellow bikini shouting “whore!” while she gobbles up [disgusting racially-based sexual slur deleted by admin]

Joseph Leiberman (RP): It’s only a matter of time before this Trojan senator shows his true colors and puts that “R” next to his name, just like he’s wanted to for the last 30 years. Dirty Jew.

Golda Meier (RP): Here’s another dirty Jew that people seem to like for some reason, so she makes the list too. Plus she’s got that stupid quote about the noble Palestinian resistance fighters that is always used out of context. Everybody knows what she really said: "Peace will come when the Palestinians love their children with memorials because we killed all of them and dumped them into mass graves."

Management
Karl Rove (Manager): Only an evil genius could get this quarrelsome group to perform so flawlessly to advance to Christian zealotry across the globe and destroy the lives of millions, despite the fact that he's a moronic homosexual agnostic wiccan necrophiliac crack addict illegal alien fascist.

George Bush (Owner): If season tickets sales drop, he can always crash a jet into the stadium, just like he did when he needed to boost his presidential approval rating.