Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Ten Commandments of Climate Change

LISTEN TO ME, OH BENIGHTED CHILDREN OF MEN! I bring to you these ten commandments of Global Climate Change, which thou shalt hear and obey henceforth so as to walk in the path that leads to carbon righteousness. Woe be to those who crave the fossil fuels, for it would be better for them that they had never learned to drive than that they continue to emit the invisible gas which slowly chokes us unto death.

Hear now my commandments:

1) I am the Arbiter of Science. Thou shalt have no other arbiters before me.

2) Thou shalt support thy Arbiter in all things, and at all times, and for every purpose. Regardless of the inanity of my statements, thou shalt accept them as gospel. Thou shalt propose me as the winner of any and all awards, regardless of its description or purpose or my fundamental lack of merit. I am thy Arbiter.

3) Thou shalt purchase only a Prius, yet keep it parked. I am thy Arbiter.

4) Thou shalt not emit. Emitting is for thine arbiter, as he flyeth about to correct thee for thy sins against nature itself. Thine emittance is a sin. I am thy Arbiter.

5) Thou shalt suffer not criticism against me. All gainsayers must be labeled as tools, stooges, and wretches of the lowest possible moral fiber. I am thy Arbiter.

6) Thou shalt buy abatements from my company, which verily doth sell them, though they be nearly unverifiable. Thou shalt buy them in abundance. I am thy Arbiter.

7) Thou shalt not visit those web sites which gainsay me, nor shall thou readeth Michael Crichton, for he speaketh with the golden tongue of the devil himself. I am thy Arbiter.

8) Thou shalt accept Climate Change as the reason for all things. For everything there is a season, which is either hotter or colder or the same because of Anthropomorphic Climate Change. I am thy Arbiter.

9) Thou shalt not employ logic, nor correct thy fallacies. Logic is the tool of the unbelievers and the faithless, and you shall abandon it at all costs. Stray not from the one true path, nor acknowledge one speck of contrary data. I am thy Arbiter.

10) Thou shalt honor and obey my apostles, the stars and starlets, who speaketh with my voice and act through my will. They shall be as Arbiters to you as well, unless they should speak against me, and thenceforth earn my wrath and scorn until they have served penance by purchasing mighty offsets from my company. I am thy Arbiter.

In all these things thou shalt act with faith for me, thy Arbiter, and the decider of science and the right.

I am thy Arbiter.
[UPDATE: Thanks for the many links out there, I realy appreciate it. I also fixed a dangling "they" in commandment 9. If you enjoyed this, you may enjoy A Democrat's Prayer also.]