House Democrats today introduced a resolution that, if passed, promises to dramatically change the way America relates to her key allies throughout the region. Sponsored by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the Comprehensive Allied Nations and Kingdoms Estrangement Resolution, called CANKER, would systematically criticize every nation in the world that currently cooperates with the US on any issue.
“This CANKER is a dramatic change from the previous decades of carrot-and-stick approaches,” Pelosi crowed on the House steps. “Instead of punishing enemies and rewarding friends, we’ve been quite clear about groveling to our enemies in the past. Now, we’re getting down to criticizing our allies.”
Ted Kennedy said from the hospital that “Everybody knows what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, which is why I’ve been so critical of the Cape Windmill project. I’m all for green power. So we’re going to criticize our allies into world dominance.”
Lame duck and ultimately irrelevant president George Bush called the bill “Needless pandering to ethnic minorities” and promised to veto it. At press time the vast resources of the media had not yet ascertained what that meant or whether or not that could be a problem.
A partial list of criticisms of various key allied nations includes:
Australians: This bunch of kangaroo-pronging, aborigine-murdering, gun-toting maniacs deserves every bad thing that happens to them, up to and including Rupert Murdoch.
Israel: This takes up forty pages of complaints and is best abbreviated as “Zionist oppressors of the peace-loving Palestinians”
Japanese: Bunch of short old farts always droning on about quality. And there’s not much motion to the ocean from them, either, if you get my drift.
Canada: There is nothing wrong with Canada, the perfect model of democracy. Except that they voted in a conservative, the stupid Canuck bastards.
The EU: Would it kill our fellow Westerners to bathe once in a while? Smelling like a cabbage-swilling camel is not a proud accomplishment. And we’re all for women’s rights, but run a razor through that wilderness you call an armpit before wearing a tank-top, Sasquatch.
Belgians: For such a tiny country, it sure does bitch a lot even though it can’t get a government formed. It must have something to do with having 30% of Parliament filled with secessionists.
English: Due to poor dental hygiene even the richest Briton looks like they have meth-mouth which, given their bizarre accent, is completely probable. Plus, nobody in that country knows how to cook anything that’s not disgusting or inedible.
French: According to a highly-placed source, all French are cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
Italians: Would it really be so hard to curtail mob activities to only 25% of GNP? And must all your women end up as porn starlets?
Poles: They once built a submarine with a screen door, had to scrub a mission to the moon because it was daytime, and never consummate a marriage with Australian women because they’re afraid that they “have teeth down there.”
Irish: Drunken terrorists who deserve everything bad that happens to them, except for the stuff caused by the English, which they’re totally innocent of, the poor babies.
Democrats promised to amend the Resolution 'as soon as we think of some other stuff that our allies have done, whether past or present, that we can complain about.'