Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Norv Turner: Threat to World Peace

A recent article posits that Norv Turner is responsible for the decline and fall of both the Chargers and the 49ers, and I can fully believe this. Such is the man’s manifest incompetence that he can ruin one franchise with his presence and another with his absence.

But why stop there? His machinations stretch far beyond the football field. Witness, if you dare, the far-reaching effects of what I call…


Norv Turner was born in 1952. You know what else was born this year? Vegans, spawned by the first Vegan lifestyle manual, “How Live in Harmony with Gaea” by Darlene Redcrotch. Filled with helpful hints like “shaving supports the evil patrimony”, it encouraged a generation of granola girls to be hairier than a buffalo and smell like a sasquatch fart. Would such a tome of manifest evil get published in a world without Norv Turner? Well, it surely never was before.

Second Palestinian Intifada
Turner’s disastrous 2000 season as Washington head coach so totally demoralized and distracted Washington politicians that they were completely incapable of defusing and preventing the second Palestinian Intifada in 2000. Would Arafat have dared to so completely disregard the Noble Peace Prize and the Oslo Accords if he thought Bill Clinton hadn’t been preoccupied with the slow-motion horror show that was the 2000 Redskins? I doubt it.

Countless 2007 Fantasy Football-Related Suicides
For years LT has been a stat machine for fantasy football freaks, and suddenly he falls into the Turner Zone and is never heard from again (62 yards and 1 TD so far this season). All over America, fantasy owners with LT are being barraged by semi-literate geek rants from the other dorks in their leagues, whose nasally chortling will eventually drive them to autoerotic asphyxiation as the only means of escape.

The Gay Phenomenon in Iran
Heartthrob and all-around good guy Iranian president Ahemenidijad assures us that “this gay phenomenon in Iran does not exist.” Why not? Because they’ve all moved to San Francisco, center of the worldwide gay community, in a show of solidarity for the beleaguered 49ers fans who have had to suffer under Norv Turner the past few years. If only Norv Turner hadn’t ruined them, then Iran would be a more cosmopolitan society today.

Nate Newton’s 2,645 tons of Pot
Nate Newton had to play, year after year, on a Cowboys team whose offense was headed up by Turner. The stress eventually got to him and he had to start smoking marijuana almost constantly in order to help keep himself mellow. Plus, he put on a lot of weight, going from JJ to Fat Albert over his NFL career. Won’t somebody please think of the children?

The 1917 Bolshevik Revolution
Some of you may object that this happened years before Turner was born, but I would ask you this: has any person ever more strongly resembled Russian mystic Rasputin than Norv Turner? Think on it: has a mysterious hold over those in command, uses sinister powers to destroy and ruin those around him, and seems to survive wounds which would kill any ordinary man. If he’s not Rasputin, he’s football’s nearest equivalent.