I’ve caught nickname fever this week! So for every game I’ll give it a clever nickname, which you’ll chuckle at and then realize has some profound meaning about life, the game, or the color of music.
Before you complain, remember that this blog is free and not supported by advertising. And I’m too stupid to figure out how to install a PayPal button, and besides, I sincerely doubt anybody’d pay me for the typographical vomiting I do here on a semi-daily basis anyways.
Now on to the picks. Please remember that if you bet on football games, you’re essentially a moron. You’d be better off just burning your money and flushing the ashes down a toilet. Or sending it to me via PayPal, which would require you to instruct me on how to install the damn button.
Quite frankly, immolation is much easier for both of us.
The “Benedict Arnold” Game: Baltimore vs. Buffalo
One team ripped the heart out of Cleveland fans, the other is trying to creep across the border to compete for the Grey Cup (so I understand). Both of them should be deeply ashamed of themselves. But I suppose if they’re not ashamed of their poor offenses, then a little matter like betraying their fan base flies under their moral compass (how’s that for a mixed metaphor?).
Ravens 0, Bills -12
The “He sill works here?” Game: Tampa Bay vs. Detroit
John Gruden won a Super Bowl with Tony Dungy’s team and then spent the next several seasons fielding unprepared, sub-par teams. Now that he’s built his own team, he’s…flailing in mediocrity. Detroit GM Matt Millen has used his voodoo powers to zombiefy the entire Detroit management chain, up to the Ford family, to keep alive his dream of an all-receiver offense. Otherwise his tenure as GM is totally inexplicable.
Buccaneers 21, Lions 7
The “Remember the Alamo!” Game: Tennessee vs. Houston
Did you know that both Davy Crockett and Sam Houston were from Tennessee? Yet Texas lays claim to the fame of both men, virtually stealing the honor of celebrating their marvelous lives from the Volunteer State (named because of a brave group that went to their deaths to defend Texas). It’s time for some serious reparations from those freeloading Texans.
Titans 31, Texans 24
The “It’s not bullying if we do it” Game: New England vs. Miami
Here’s evidence of East Coast bias: if Randy Moss played for Minnesota and they scored a last-second meaningless touchdown against the Giants in a battle of unbeatens, and then the team celebrated and bad-mouthed their opponents, they’d be called “classless” and “dirty” by the media. New England does it and is feted and celebrated as a team for the ages. That aside Miami deserves the pummeling that they’ll surely get for being such an awful, awful team.
Patriots 52, Dolphins 3
The “Bicoastal buttheadsd” Game: San Francisco vs. NY Giants
Okay, I didn’t really have a good moniker for this game, but that’s alliterative, so I’ll let it stand. Plus, Tom Coughlin’s a butthead. I don’t have anything against San Francisco, though.
49ers 21, Giants 24
The “Pity the oppressed” Game: Atlanta vs. New Orleans
Does local governmental incompetence and corruption have something to do with the delayed rebuilding of New Orleans? Maybe. Does the fact that this is largely the same group of incompetents that was in charge before the flood perhaps indicate that they’re responsible for the collapse of the city? Perish the thought! It is, and always shall be, the blame of the Bush Administration, particularly FEMA head Dick Cheney. And you can’t help but feel sorry for the Falcons, who saw their season vanish in a puff of smoke on Moonlight Road.
Falcons 24, Saints 13
The “Cocoon” Game: Arizona vs. Washington
You know that old man in Cocoon who refused to get turned young, because he was content with the way things were? I bet that Kurt Warner (currently injured) and Joe Gibbs (shredding his legacy like Sandy Berger at the National Security Archives) both identify strongly with that guy: should have just left well enough alone.
Cardinals 14, Redskins 21
The “Limbo” Game: NY Jets vs. Cincinnati
How low can these two teams sink? The high point for Eric “The Snitch” Mangini came in embarrassing Bill Bellicheck, while Cincinnati is pioneering new ways to look terrible while losing.
Jets 28, Cincinnati 20
The “Great Expectations” Game: Kansas City vs. Oakland
When Herm Edwards weaseled out of his contract in New York and turned into a prick, the Chiefs were really excited about getting such a great coach, who was going to lead them to the Promised Land. He’s led them into the tank. There’s a lesson in there somewhere about honing your skills and being professional for Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell, who will watch from the Raiders’ sidelines because he missed training camp disputing his contract.
Chiefs 12, Raiders 15
The “My mascot’s tougher than your mascot” Game: Minnesota vs. Dallas
On the one side, we’ve got a tough, bloodthirsty Viking ready to kill those who stand in his way. On the other side there’s the swaggering Cowboy, who shoots first and asks questions later. Which one do you think will win? I’m going to say the one with firearms, since that usually makes the difference when pre- and post-industrial societies enter into conflict.
Vikings 17, Dallas 23
The “I thought you used to be good?” game: Chicago vs. Philadelphia
Chicago’s been in the Super Bowl funk all year, unable to get anything going. Strangely, replacing one ineffective quarterback with another hasn’t made much difference. Philadelphia’s been in a funk also, but without Terrell Owens or the Super Bowl to blame it on, it’s hard to pinpoint the cause. I think his initials might be AR.
Bears 2, Eagles 3
The “Happy underachievers” game: St. Louis vs. Seattle
Do you get the feeling that these two teams don’t care that they suck? St. Louis plays without any passion, urgency, or even desire to win. Seattle knows that its division is far and away the worst in the galaxy, so even a below-average effort makes them the juggernauts of the NFC West. Please note that pregnant women must not be exposed to this game, as it will cause them to birth underachieving children.
Rams 0, Seahawks 0 (OT)
The “Mojo” Game: Pittsburgh vs. Denver
A few years ago the Steelers took all the sports mojo of the entire state of Pennsylvania. Don’t believe me? The Pirates (closest to the Steelers) have been utterly worthless for years. The Phillies flamed out in the playoffs this year. The Eagles have struggled mightily. Even UPenn has been hit hard by the Steelers Bogarting the Pennsylvania Mojo. Bad news for Denver? The Rockies have taken all of Colorado’s mojo, leaving Denver defenseless against the Steelers onslaught.
Steelers 45, Broncos 10
The “CBS prays for the Colts” Game: Indianapolis vs. Jacksonville
CBS now stands for “Colts Better Succeed”, because the storyline of “clash of unbeaten titanic teams” for the November 4 game between the Colts and Patriots pretty much rests on them beating Jacksonville and Carolina. Oh, sure, there’s a vague chance that New England will lose, but it doesn’t seem likely. And it’s Jacksonville that worries the network, because they’re an AFC inter-conference rival that always plays the Colts tough. Since there’s an underdog bug ripping through college football right now, it has to catch in the pros eventually, doesn’t it?
Colts 21, Jaguars 31