Hot Football Picks

Usually, I try to be modest with my football picks. But this time I'm feeling pretty lucky, so I want to be sure that you understand the Svengali-like power of these football selections: this isn't what I think will happen, it's what I know will happen. I've seen the postgame press conferences, and I can freely quote below so you can get a feel for each game.

Carolina at New Orleans
Several Panthers players will say that they are really, really sorry about the hurricane a couple of years ago and all, but it's time to move on, and no, they don't feel bad about kicking the Saints' ass all over the field. Then Drew Brees will come out and fly into a rage when asked, "Do you still think you were a better selection than Daunte Culpepper?" Panthers 35, Saints 13.

Jacksonville at Kansas City
Did you know that in ancient Greece there were little statues with penises on them called "Herms" that were put all over as a sign of good luck? Well, in the postgame press conference several players will refer to Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards as a prick, too. Jaguars 28, Chiefs 20.

Detroit at Washington
Thus spaketh Kitna: "Now that God has taken an active interest in our games, and is rooting for us, it's heresy for other teams to score on us. So not only do the Redskins have a racist nickname, they're a bunch of sinners who are going to hell, too." Lions 21, Redskins 24.

Atlanta at Tennessee
You can play this on an infinite loop for the rest of the season:
Reporter A: "Coach, how much does your team miss Michael Vick?"
"I'd rather talk about the guys that are here, and the game we just played, okay?"
Reporter B: "So you don't miss Michael Vick?"
"Let's talk about the game, okay?"
Reporter C: "Do you think the game would have been different if you still had Michael Vick?"
"Sigh."
Reporter D: "Coach, how much does your team miss Michael Vick?"
Falcons 3, Titans 17.

Miami at Texas
Question from press conference for Texans coach Gary Kubiak: "Wow, was David Carr cursed by Mono Tiki Tia or something? It's incredible how much better you guys got since he left."
Asked of Matt Schaub, former backup to Michael Vick: "If John Kitna is this gracious about God healing him of a concussion, how come you're not out proselytizing in the streets for the trade that he engineered to get you out of the train wreck that is Atlanta?"
Dolphins 3 in junk time, Texans 45

Seattle at Pittsburgh
Actual question for Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren: "Geez, I know your team sucked out there, but why do you look like you're chewing on shit?"
Holmgren (with mouth full): "Mmcus mi mmm."
Seahawks 14, Steelers 31

Cleveland at New England
Asked of Tom Brady: "How great is it to have a real receiver?"
Asked of Randy Moss: "How great is it to play with a real quarterback?"
Asked of Bill Bellicheck by TMQ: "Isn't it true you've brought dishonor to the NFL on a level with the infamous 1919 Black Socks and that we'd all be better off if you committed seppuku?"
Asked of Browns coach Romeo Crennel: "Geez, man, did you even bring a team?"
Browns 0, Patriots 54

Arizona at St. Louis
This is my "Can't-Miss" game of the week. See, if you can't miss this game, there's something seriously wrong with you. The postgame conference will be disrupted when Brenda Warner attacks Matt Leinart for suggesting that he shouldn't be splitting time with her husband, scratching Leinart's face. He will subsequently win a 450-million dollar lawsuit for damaging "his rugged, surfer-boy good looks."
Cardinals 21, Rams 10.

New York at New York in New Jersey
Actual question: "I'm sorry, which team were you with again? You both played so bad, and are geographically confused, so it's hard to tell you apart."
Tom Coughlin: "We're the *@#$%! Giants, you #$%&! Damn Eli Manning!"
Tiki Barber: "Oh, sorry, grumpy. I couldn't tell."
New York 7, New York 7, with grief counselling for both fan groups after the game.

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis
ESPN Reporter: "Now that you've lost, doesn't this delegitimize your title defense, deflate your team, and prove that you just can't win the big one in defense of having won the big one?"
Peyton Manning: "But we won. By thirty points."
ESPN Reporter: "So you say, but does anybody really believe stupid southern white men after Bush made such a debacle in Iraq?"
Buccaneers 20, Colts 50.

San Diego at Denver
"Coach Turner! Is it true that you've hired Nate Newton as the team's Assistant Coach for Motivation?"
"Norv! Norv! Have you taken away the shoelaces and belts from your players?"
"Mr. Tuner! Isn't it true that you're spending 5 million on hookers a week to keep the players satisfied?"
Chargers 13, Broncos 30.

Baltimore at San Francisco
Sports Illustrated reporter: "So, coach Billick, time for some offense yet?"
Billick: "The offense isn't the problem."
Baltimore Sun-Times reporter: "So, coach Billick, are you looking for some new offense yet?"
Billick: "The offense isn't the problem."
Tony Siragusa: "I'm a big fat moron who dresses like a reject from a slimfast commercial. Mmm, boy, I sure love hot dogs!"
Billick: "The offense isn't the problem."
Baltimore 10 (on five safeties), San Francisco 12 (on four field goals)

Chicago at Green Bay
The press conference ends in tragedy when an overheated Peter King of Sports Illustrated throws his size 52 underwear at the podium as a sign of eternal love for Brett Favre, only to have it rupture Favre's vertebra and send him to the hospital. King is put on suicide watch and issues a statement saying that "I'm sorry I was ever even born."
Bears 6, Packers 31.

Dallas at Buffalo
Reporter: "Tony, is it right for me to marry a woman not of the faith?"
Romo: "Verily, thou shalt not marry outside of the Cowboys faithful unless thou art without a hope in a foreign land, such as Oregon."
Reporter: "But what if I live in a foreign country?"
Romo: "It would be better to cut off your manhood than befoul it with a Bills fan."
All together: "Amen!"
Cowboys 28, Bills 10.