NBC Begins Search for Leno Replacement

Next year, Jay Leno is going to retire from hosting the Tonight Show after a grueling career spanning at least 10 years. I would like to propose the following potential replacements for the incomparable Leno, who is to light-night hosting what such luminaries as Zachery Taylor and James Buchanan were to the Presidency.

So here’s a list of the good, the bad, and the ugly of who might step into the hottest chair in late-night showbusiness:

The Good
David Letterman
Odds: 5,000,000 to 1
Pros: It’s his dream job, he has prior career experience, and since his whole staff came from NBC in the past it simplifies 401(k) and integration back into the union.
Cons: Hates NBC, hasn’t been funny in 10 years, and is reputed to be trying to get on with ABC to ‘complete the hat trick.’

Katie Couric
Odds: 10 to 1
Pros: Continuing collapse of CBS Evening News makes her more and more available.
Cons: Is to flagship programs what icebergs are to ocean liners.

Oprah Winfrey
Odds: Never in a million years
Pros: Is the most successful talk-show host ever, has Dr. Phil running in her posse
Cons: Why would she want to stoop to the Tonight Show?

Ellen Degeneres
Odds: 25 to 1
Pros: Has talk show experience, hot lesbian vibe will draw in coveted 18 to 45-year old demographic that advertisers crave, reputed to be a comedienne.
Cons: Hot is kind of an overstatement, is history’s greatest monster according to some animal-rights groups.

Jerry Seinfeld
Odds: 2 to 1
Pros: One of the most successful comics ever, loves the Tonight Show, would do his best to succeed.
Cons: Enjoys being retired, this makes too much sense to be possible.

The Bad
Keith Olbermann
Odds: 255 to 1
Pros: His insane rants will resonate with psychopaths and social misanthropes working on their manifestos late into the night.
Cons: Is ratings poison.

Tom Arnold
Odds: No chance in hell
Pros: None.
Cons: Proven record of failure.

Joan Rivers
Odds: 8 to 1
Pros: Has warmed the seat in years past.
Cons: If you have to ask, you must not be familiar with the work of Joan Rivers.

Bill O’Reilly
Odds: 6,852,984,153 to 1
Pros: Pugnacious interviewer, well-known.
Cons: Won’t come cheap, would be like dumping gasoline on a fire, and no democrat would ever willingly appear on show again (leaving pretty much no guests).

John Travolta
Odds: 10 to 1
Pros: Smarmy, unctuous, will work cheap now that he’s shot his career all to hell.
Cons: Smarmy, unctuous, is so stupid that he shot his career all to hell.

The Ugly
Rosie O’Donnell
Odds: 5 to 1
Pros: Only daytime talk-show host to ever make Oprah nervous.
Cons: The alphabetical list runs from asinine, bitchy, and churlish all the way to xenophobic, yellow-bellied, and zzzz (boring). Did I mention dumber than a box of tack hammers? Because if I didn’t, I certainly meant to.

Charles Barkley
Odds: 652 to 1
Pros: This would be terribly entertaining
Cons: He would either kill or be killed by one of his guests, as Barkley does not suffer fools gladly.

Madonna
Odds: 7,500 to 1
Pros: Tooth-gap cam would be pretty cool to watch.
Cons: She’s a hypocritical moron, lives in England, and is universally hated on both sides of the ocean.

Tom Cruise
Odds: 50 to 1
Pros: Well-known, ambiguous sexuality, not in big demand by Hollywood for the moment.
Cons: Chair would require lifters so he could see over the desk. Plus, can we really afford to distract him from preparing for an attack by Xenu?

Barack Obama and his cohost, Dr. Ron Paul
Odds: Ask again after super Tuesday
Pros: Famous, everybody loves Obama, Paul has a huge following of mindless spammer zombies who do his bidding. They have as much experience at this gig as they do for President, yet for some reason people take them seriously.
Cons: Obama’s an empty suit, Paul’s a truther moron. So they’ll fit in with about 80% of Hollywood, and the rest will have to fake it because of peer pressure. There are no cons!