Monday, October 15, 2007

California Redefines Child Abuse

Arnold Swarzenegger (R-CA) today signed into law Proposition #P2313-14, called the “Proper Child Rearing and Safety Act.” The aim of this bill was to further criminalize parenting in an effort to drastically reduce, if not totally eliminate, the presence of children in the state of California.

Kip Didkins (D-Hollywood), Speaker of the California Legislature, said that it represents a bold new era in the relationship between adults and children. “In the past we’ve managed to stigmatize parents for all kinds of things, from spanking their children to smoking within a hundred foot radius of their house. And now that it’s illegal to smoke in a car with a child, we’re taking the next logical step to the criminalization of parenting.”

The 365-page bill requires, among other things:

  • All families must pay a $5000 per-child “annoyance” tax to duly compensate those who have to deal with having their children around in public areas.

  • Speaking loudly to children is no longer legal, and is punishable by a fine of up to $500. Violators are also required to attend a six-week resident Parental Training Course given at Alcatraz three times per year, during which their children will be raised by the state.

  • Contact sports and sports which keep score have been banned, to save the feelings of children, except for sports which involve more than 10 players at a time and generate over 50% of the sports-related revenue for the school.

  • All children’s beds must have safety rails and nets in conformity with California OSHA code #24601, in case children who jump on the bed suddenly fall off, as chronicled in the tragic song “Ten Little Monkeys Jumping on a Bed.”

  • Injured children who are not treated by a doctor within one hour are eligible to sue their parents in Civil court, with damages capped at 5 million dollars per incident.

  • The 6th-grade health curriculum has been replaced with continuous screenings of The Best of Jenna Jameson because “They’ll watch porno anyways and it’s much more educational than putting a condom on a banana.”

  • Home schooling is no longer legal because, as the bill says, “Homeschoolers are weird and the children turn out so smart that they make other students feel bad.”

  • The entire 8th-grade curriculum has been replaced with two four-month units entitled “Why Socialism Works” and “How to be a Good Muslim.”

  • Parents may allow children to cry for a maximum of two minutes, after which the parents will be fined $2500. If the child cries for ten minutes the children will immediately be declared Wards of the State and the parents prosecuted for Neglect.

  • A 40,000-member strong “Department of Child Rearing” has been created, including 30,000 “Enforcement” employees charged with monitoring malls, airports, and other public places to search for Non-Conforming Parents. This department has full arrest and seizure powers and will report to a “Parenting Czar” as appointed by the Governor.

  • Ever California school will have a resident psychologist who speaks with children once per week to ensure parental conformance with the rules.

  • A website called “” has been created to give on-line tips to the CADOCR so that they can punish and investigate transgressors.

  • Hillary Clinton called the bill “Watered-down Republican pap” and promised that her administration “would take real steps towards changing the nature of child-rearing by creating a Spartan agoge as conceived by the poets of Lesbos.”

    John Edwards said through a spokesperson that “if there were more millworker jobs, then all children could be raised by millworkers, which would be best for everybody, but those damned free-traders have betrayed us to foreign companies and driven all our millworkers out of the country.”

    A spokesman for Rudy Giuliani said “I don’t see what the big deal is, since your kids end up hating you one way or the other anyways.”