Tuesday, October 2, 2007

How the Baseball Playoffs will Pan Out

I didn’t watch even one inning of baseball this year, and if I did, I blotted it from my mind because I’m a Braves fan and they sucked. So, without further ado, here’s my take on the upcoming playoff series:

Since the Yankees spend more on ballboys than the Indians do on their whole team, this one has to go to the Yankees, doesn’t it? On the other hand, the Indians do have a racially insensitive mascot, which should count for something. And isn’t it cute that New York fans whine about a “drought” that is seven years old, meaning no titles in the last seven years? There are teams that have gone 30 years without a playoffs appearance, aren’t there? I figure Yankees in 6.

Angels-Red Sox
Since the Red Sox think the Yankees are cheapskates for how little they spend on ballboys, this has to go to Boston. I figure a clean sweep for Boston, and then much crowing from our chowderhead-infested sportswriters at Sports Illustrated and ESPN about how this is the year the Red Sox break their “new curse” or some such nonsense.

After the Tribune puts “For Sale” as the name on every player, the Cubs’ motivation will waver. The series will go seven games, just to maximize the angst of the Cubs fans, but Chicago will lose on a critical error in the 10th inning.

After their phantom win Monday, the Rockies will need four more phantom wins over a determined Phillies squad looking to shake the image of the 90’s-era “Krukelheads” that defined a generation of degenerate, moronic, underachieving Phillies players. Colorado won’t get the phantom wins and Philly will run away with the series in 5 games.

Red Sox-Yankees
With 62-point-font headlines screaming THIS ONE IS FOR EVERYTHING!! the entire New York-Boston corridor will relentlessly punish us with story after story about how important his series is not just for baseball, but for world peace. Finally sickened, the rest of the country will send in the national guard to shut down all print and broadcast affiliates until after the games are over. It doesn’t matter which team wins; they’re both evil.

I don’t know anything about either team, but I remember that Arizona won a world series with Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling. But Schilling’s gone, and Johnson’s a shell of his former self now. And Philly did hunt down and kill the Mets in the last two weeks, so they deserve some love. So Philly gets the nod from me, and we’ll say it’s in seven games just to make it look close.

Evil Empire-Philadelphia
After a week of buildup articles and sneering from the SportsGuy about how Philly is the “minor-league entry” the Phillies will sweep whichever group of preening jerkoffs comes from the AL. Bud Selig will somehow insert himself into the World Series and make it less fun for everybody, possibly by insulting Barry Bonds. And sportswriters will begin to justify the loss for the Evil Empire and begin preparing us next year for “THE RESURGENCE OF THE GREATEST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME!”