[I will freely admit that this is a little more lowbrow than I like to go, but now that Al Gore has won a Nobel Peace Prize for global climate change, it’s a brave new world out there. So just enjoy it; it’s a Hell of a ride!]
You know what all the recent Nobel Peace Prize winners have in common? You can use them to characterize the eight types of farts. So here’s the list of Nobel Wind Prize winners:
The Mohamed ElBaradei Fart: You know when you feel like you really ought to be farting, but instead end up belching? That’s an MEB fart. See, things ought to work one way, but they come out in a totally different fashion, almost like your body is too incompetent to send gas out the correct orifice, or like your ass has paid off your mouth to shovel shit for it.
The Jimmy Carter Fart: All sound and fury, signifying nothing. Big rip, everybody’s embarrassed (or impressed, depending on your friends), but there’s no smell whatsoever. Unless there are Jews around, and then it smells like a skunk drowned in a cesspool in your pants.
The Kofi Annan: The corrupt fart, when you let it rip, and suddenly you need to change your underwear. You’re dirtier just for having been exposed to it. Typically this kind of thing runs in families, so your son may also have this problem.
The Muhammed Yunis: The micro-fart, where no matter how much pressure builds up inside you all you can squeeze out is a tiny little meep. But it works well, one of the rare success stories of breaking wind.
The Yasser Arafat: Horrifically violent fart, at the worst possible time, in a social situation where you can least afford it. If one of your farts is going to ignite over a dessert of Bombe Alaska and burn your ass to cinders while you’re in a luncheon with the CEO of the company, it’s this one.
The Mikhail Gorbachev: The “something’s missing” fart: either all sound and no smell, or all smell and no sound. Almost as if some critical component has been left out, without which the entire exercise is a sham and a mockery of all that a good fart is supposed to be, simply because your body in its arrogance decided to score a cheap political point against you.
The UN Peacekeeping Force: You ever tried to do “pull my finger” but ended up with a fart without sound? That’s this one: the incompetent fart. Seems like it should be a no-brainer, easily done, with clearly achievable goals, but it just doesn’t work.
The Al Gore: The mistaken fart. This is when you move your chair, and it makes that distinctive brrrp! sound just like passing gas, and everybody looks at you like you’re holding a dead chicken. Suddenly people start freaking out, fanning themselves and opening windows, but nothing really happened. So eventually everything gets back to normal, when your foot scrapes the floor and suddenly everybody’s freaking out again, jumping out of windows and calling you a pig and whatnot. And this repeats, day after day, even if you’ve never once farted in the presence of another human being. You’re a walking fart fraud, getting people all wound up over nothing.