Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Hundreds Protest “Cro-Magnon Oppression”

Hundreds of naked protestors today stood in frigid weather outside of the third annual “Neanderthal Good Vibrations Conference” in Stockholm, Sweden to protest what they called the “naked Cro-Magnon oppression of our peaceful Neanderthal cousins.”

“We’re here to say that genocide is unacceptable, whether it’s in Burma or Sudan or Paleolithic Europe,” said Coalition to Oppose Mankind’s Aggression (COMA) spokeswoman Rainbow Autumn. “And we want it to stop right now!”

Wearing strategically-placed ice cubes to symbolize the climactic changes that scientists have used for decades to cover up what COMA says is the systematic slaughter of Neanderthals, the protestors held placards with slogans such as “Not pro-cro-magnon!” and “Have you hugged a Neanderthal lately?” They held a moment of silence for victims of Cro-Magnon oppression and dispersed peacefully after several members had wardrobe malfunctions which led to their saggy boobs getting caught in the revolving doors of the conference building.

Lars Kipperbottoms, head of the conference, said that he had expected as much from the protestors. “I tried to explain to them last month that the Neanderthals had been extinct for about thirty thousand years, and they sent me an orange jumpsuit with a handwritten note that said ‘Remember Los Alamos.’ I still don’t know what that means.”

Ms. Autumn said her group was determined to see justice for the victims of Cro-Magnon oppression. “The international community is all about justice for Homo Sapiens, but they want to leave other species in the lurch,” she said. “I’m bringing a civil suit in world court seeking payment from world governments to the victims of this slaughter and immediate UN protective forces installed to keep them from coming to further depredations at the hands of their so-called ‘cousins.”

“Real cousins don’t treat each other this way,” she added. “Not even in West Virginia.”