Paul Calls for Repatriating 900 Numbers

Before an Iowa crowd of at least 30 out-of-work farmers and suspected hobos, presidential candidate Ron Paul today criticized the Bush administration for “outsourcing the American libido” and promised that under a Paul presidency “the girl on the other end of the 900 number would be a buxom American blonde, every time.”

“It’s an issue of critical importance to my supporters,” Paul said to a smattering of cheers. “I know that most of them sit at home flipping through the Sears catalog and watching exercise infomercials to get their jollies. When they manage to scrape up enough money to call a 900-number, they should be sure that it’s not getting outsourced to India like McDonald’s drive-thrus and technical support. There needs to be a wholesome American girl talking smut to them!”

Hillary Clinton said Paul’s plan did not go far enough. “900-numbers should be free,” she said to an audience in New Hampshire. “It’s part of my Baby Bond-Smutty Talk-Executive Privilege Omnibus Reform Act. At the risk of sounding clichéd, I want a bond on every baby, a hot American babe talking dirty on every phone, and an emasculated chief executive.”

Some political observers questioned the wisdom of making phone sex a campaign issue. “Paul’s really taking a chance on this one,” observed Keith Wingderdock, Professor of Political Studies and Eraser Performance at North Harvard Tech-NY. “Although it’s an issue that resonates strongly with his base, we’re not sure how it will play to the family-values Republicans. But that might not matter, since they’ve apparently decided to boycott the election, thus ensuring the candidate that they hate most wins.”

Paul was undeterred. “Look, I have to give something back to the losers that are wasting their time skewing every on-line poll for me by voting hundreds of times. This is the least I can do.”