Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Return of Dinosaurs Imminent, Researcher Says

Rising CO2 levels in the atmosphere, to levels unpredicted just a few short years ago, will shortly cause instantaneous biological evolution, prompting a new age of dinosaurs and possible destroying the millennia-long stranglehold of mammals on the Earth.

That is the conclusion of a new study from Dr. Flannery Tims, a leading Australian Chrono-Biologist. Tims said he took data from the upcoming IPCC report, synthesized it in his bio-modulator, and found dark times ahead for Homo Sapiens.

“Imagine Jurassic Park spontaneously occurring your back yard,” he said. “One minute you’re mowing the grass, and the next minute a pack of Velociraptors are eating your dog and tearing your bowels out. That’s what could happen by the end of 2008.”

Tims told the Australian Television Commission that levels of CO2 in the atmosphere were reaching levels not seen since the Cretaceous period, near the end of Reptilian dominance on Earth. Given that, he expects a return to the biodiversity of times past, with forty-foot-tall Gigantosaurs walking down Main Street and T-Rex racing across the Utah deserts.

“It’s no coincidence that cold-blooded reptiles thrive in the hothouse conditions that we’ve created on Earth with our carbon-based economies,” Tims said. “Today a simple gecko pitching car insurance, tomorrow a cold-blooded killer that can run down a motorcycle and eat its rider. According to my models, this future could arrive any day now.”

Sharky McAroon, head of the Australian chapter of Animals Are People Too, said that Tims’ models were welcome but probably too little, too late. “Ideally, mate, we’d have had these calculations twenty years ago and could have gone to a Rickshaw-based economy instead of an SUV-based one.”

Asked if there was anything that could be done to avoid this Dino-calamity, Tims said “Pray to Gaea to shield us from her wrath, and buy plenty of ammunition.”