Seussanetics (aka Seussentology)

Before L Ron Hubbard began his career,
A much greater man showed a faith much more dear,
The good Doctor Seuss, it was he that in fact
Has taught us all things that our consciences lack.

An alien Xenu? Why no! That’s absurd!
In fact we’re descended from one great big bird,
That mistreated Horton and forced him to be
A surrogate mom to her orphan baby.

The “Clear” is just bunk, and it won’t really work,
It’s offered by charlatans, paid for by jerks.
In fact the status that you seek for in lieu,
Is what Doctor Seuss would have said was a “Who.”

And after your soul has gone on to take rest,
It comes to find Who-ville, where all is the best.
No Grinches up there, that is not in the plan,
Just cats, kids, and fishes, and maybe green ham.

When some people speak about engrams at least,
You can be quite sure that your money they’ll fleece.
Like bears seeing apples they simply can’t stand,
If would-be parish’ners have cash in their hands.

Old Seuss loved debate, twixt a fish and a cat,
But Ronny’s disciples will not stand for that!
They’ll silence their critics with court-ordered writ,
And if you dare question them they’ll have a fit.

When BBC shows what Doc Seuss is about,
Disciples of his do not yell, whine, or pout.
They rest all serene because they know in fact,
They’re not all just crooks, their hearts are not black.

There are lots of stars who think it’s likely true,
If you don’t watch out Body Thetans get you!
But Seuss tells us not to have worry for that,
It’s almost as likely as Cat in the Hat.

Instead the good doctor would like us to know,
That if you work hard Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
And just as poor Horton once salvaged a Who,
The Doctor would like for us to be saved too.

For those who would say that a celebrity,
Is somehow more valuable than you and me,
Seuss teaches us that we are all just the same,
The Sneetches can teach you the rules of the game.

Sometimes it is tough, “I give up” you would say,
In each of his books the good doc shows the way.
If arrogance is your own personal hurdle,
He’s written a book that is all about Yertle.

Remember pop loves you no matter if he,
Gets cross when you jump on him like a tramp’line.
And mom loves you too, although it might be true,
On some rainy days she could abandon you.

So forget ‘bout engrams and clears and thetans,
That junk was all written by sub-average men.
Try following Seuss (for no money he begs),
He only suggests that you try the green eggs.