Following reports of new leader Abu Al-Masri’s death in Iraq last week during internecine conflict, AQ in Iraq spokesmen today released a statement ridiculing the US Army and George Bush for their ineffectiveness in fighting against them in Iraq.
“The US Crusader Zionist forces are doomed to lose,” the statement said. “It took them years to find and slay beloved martyr to the cause Abu al-Zarqawi, and he spent every day publicly mocking their efforts. But it has taken us only one year to send to martyrdom honored Jihadist Abu al-Masri, his successor, even though he hid in the shadows and kept quiet. We can do this because we are much more powerful than the American military. All nations should know that our sword has a long reach, and we do these things to show you that our power is mighty and our cause is just.”
It went on to list the grievances against the United States and reiterate AQ’s commitment to destroying what it called “the Greatest Satan that ever Sataned.” Among the grievances were the US failure to ratify the Kyoto treaty, placement of troops in the holy land, standing against Iran in its bid to gain nuclear power, and laws in some US counties requiring strippers to wear G-strings and pasties instead of allowing them to dance nude. “Even in your debauchery, you are weak!” the statement noted.
The note had another surprise for military commanders. “In addition to the glorious martyrdom of al-Masri, we have also martyred his replacement, Ayman al-Mufti, as a sign of our power. We shall continue to martyr leaders and perspective leaders and people nearby when we get testy until all the world acknowledges our skills at martyring ourselves and others and gives us the respect we deserve.”
The statement ended on a positive note and referenced the upcoming US elections. “We would like to extend the hand of peace to the infidels of the United States by encouraging them to vote Democrat and take the wisdom of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi to heart.”