New NFL Commissioner Announces Network Shakeup

Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced a surprise shakeup of the NFL Network, announcing a new programming slate to bolster the upcoming games offered by the fledgling network. The moves were necessary, he said, to complement the high-quality programs already offered but which had saturated the public’s appetite for football.

“From now on, NFL won’t just stand for quality football, it will also be synonymous with Nudes, Fights, and Lesbians. We’re going to have to adjust our deal with cable providers again, but in the end, it’ll be worth it. We’re a pay channel, and we might as well start acting like it.”

Goodell announced the following changes to the network:

• Color commentators for the Thursday night games will be recently-punished shock jocks Opie and Anthony, who Goodell says “will bring an in-your-face style not associated with the NFL since Rush Limbaugh got out of rehab.”


• Films of the Week, a weeknight midnight-to-4 AM program hosted by Steelers assistant coach Larry Zierlein. “We’ve had just a taste of what’s in his vault, and it really leaves us wanting more,” Goodell said. “This will be the breakout show of the year.”


• The Art of Seduction, a Friday-night 9 PM show hosted by Joe Cullen and geared towards helping adults “improve their love life”. Cullen will focus on such topics as “Seducing the Drive-Thru Girl” and “Upholstery Burn Prevention and Treatment.”


• Wednesday Night Dogfights, with Michael Vick and cohost Clinton Portis. Goodell denied rumors that Joey Porter would also work on the show. “He wanted to feature fights with alligators and gorillas, and we just don’t have the budget for that right now.”


• Inside the Locker Room…the cheerleaders’ locker rooms, that is. This program will air just after “Saturday Night Countdown” during the season and will be produced by Howard Stern and hosted by former Carolina TopCats Angela Keathley and Renee Thomas. “A sexy look at the feminine side of pro football,” Goodell said. “We’re going to have the DVDs available for order through our new NFL website, NFLHooters.com.”


• Planet in Crisis, hosted by Al Gore. Focusing on environmental concerns and the mounting problems of global climate change, this program will air midmorning during the week and is designed “to keep congress of our backs about steroids and other problems,” Goodell admitted. “Listen, it’s free publicity to Al Gore, which will make those ninnies in congress quit hassling us about the real problems that exist in our league, like out-of-control drugs, wife-beating, stereoids, and inappropriate fan T-shirt slogans.”