Democratic Congress Springs to Action

The Democratic congress, now celebrating over 120 days of futility, finally found a project that speaker Nancy Pelosi said "we can really sink our teeth into. This is something that the democrats, the American people, and all but the most jaded republicans in the pockets of the oil companies can support."

California congressman Tom Lantos is leading the effort to have Michael Vick "severely punished" by the NFL for his alleged role in a dogfighting ring. "With all the problems in this country, we can't have Mike Vick running around having dog fights." Explained Lantos. "It just sets a bad example."

Lantos sent a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell urging him to "act swiftly and forcefully" and making veiled threats if he doesn't find satisfaction. "Basically, I don't want to hear this malarkey about innocent until proven guilty," said Lantos. "And I don't want to hear about how congress should be spending its time on other things. If we can't get ourselves worked up into a righteous fury over something like this, what can we get worked up over?"

"I hear that they even might have had cats declawed in there!" Former actress and PETA scold Bea Arthur said. "Such barbarism cannot go unpunished! Off with his head!"

Asked about whether the Republicans might support an assault on the NFL over Vick's termination, Pelosi was confident. "I know that Republicans like to torture animals and protect villains, but we're always thinking of minorities and those that can't defend themselves, so we're quick to jump on issues like this that our focus groups show broad support for."