Friday, May 25, 2007

Bitter Sak’s Standoff Finally Ends

Sak’s 5th Avenue announced that their new gigantic shoe department will have its own ZIP code, 10022-SHOE, ending the bitter standoff that had developed between corporate officials and New York’s mayor over the past several months.

The disagreement started in January when Sak’s announced that they would soon open a full-floor shoe store and petitioned state and federal authorities to recognize the 8th-floor area as an independent state. In this way Sak’s hoped to avoid the oppressive tax burden imposed by New York on all businesses, shoe stores in particular.

“It’s really a terrible economic climate for us,” said Sak’s Director of Shoes Jane Cobbler. “The state of New York not only requires 51% of all shoes to be made with union labor inside the state, but they have a windfall tax of 35% per tongue per shoe you sell. They accuse us of price gouging on $350 stiletto heels, but we pay $320 in total taxes on every pair. Tell me who’s gouging whom.”

New York officials defended their tax policy by saying “We’re greedy, incompetent, and beholden to unions. What are you gonna do?”

Sak’s had petitioned the federal government for recognition of the new store as an independent state located inside New York, proposing the name “Less Taxessota.” Backed by prominent democratic lawmakers with shoe fetishes, the store experienced early success when a groundswell of so-called “Progressives” on the internet rallied to their cause.

Unfortunately for Sak’s, New York’s Mayor Mike Bloomberg refused to allow repartitioning of the 8th-floor area, vetoing their proposal and halting development on the mammoth shoe department. Sak’s brought in Democratic Party leaders Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to lead negotiations during the standoff, which ended with Sak’s eventually capitulating and accepting the new ZIP code as a symbolic measure of their utter powerlessness.

Disappointed with the results, combination democratic activists/shoe fetishists on the internet vowed vengeance. “We won’t rest until they’re utterly defeated in the ballot box!” screamed posters on the Hushpuppy Post. “It’s inconceivable that these democrats would shrink from a fight! They should be ashamed of themselves!”

Other posters at the DailyKobbler were more nuanced. “It’s just a small setback, like the mountain of small setbacks before, which indicate that the country doesn’t agree with us and accept our ideas. But that’s small matter to us, because we get to be smug either way.”