Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Shock Jocks ‘Endangered’

Environmental groups today petitioned the federal government to grant radio shock jocks endangered species protection. The move comes after poachers raided XM Radio, eliminating two more of the once-proud species. Poachers had earlier seriously culled the herd at CBS radio, eliminating one dominant male and one lesser pair.

“The loss of Opie and Anthony is an example of everything that’s wrong with the current protection scheme,” said Meaghan Goodall, head of Animals R People 2. “They were second-generation shock jocks, and we had great hopes that they would become a breeding pair and help perpetuate the species.”

Goodall was pessimistic about the future and insisted government must act now. “It’s not just the proud, mature shock jocks that the poachers are after. They’re willing to scalp any member of the species. Just look at what happened to JV and Elvis: one flied lice joke was enough to get them plugged, stuffed, and mounted.”

Marvin Winderbeet, spokesperson for the anti-radio group Listen to Silence, opposes the proposal. “Opie and Anthony have been begging for it for years. They were offensive to just about everybody, juvenile, and not worth the time it took to turn off the radio when you stumbled across them on accident. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.”

Shock jocks have always been at risk, Goodall said, but it was greater now since the loss of “silverback and acknowledged pack leader Don Imus.” She called his loss “irreplaceable” and said that further thinning of the herds would lead to below-reproduction levels.

“There are still a few of the big ones out there, like Howard Stern, but as high-value targets for hunters we can’t be sure how long they’ll stay.” Goodall blamed the losses on the rise of politically correct assassins. “Shock jocks can’t use one single stereotype any more without an aggrieved group howling for their jobs. All they can do is straight-up white male bashing, and even that doesn’t work if there’s gays or disabilities involved.”

Goodall summed up the future this way: “Imagine a world without shock jocks, and you’ll see why something needs to be done.”