Michelle Wie Redefines Status

Michelle Wie continued her quest to redefine herself from an also-ran to a never-was today, announcing that she had once again accepted a sponsor’s exemption to demonstrate futility in the upcoming PGA John Deere Classic.

“I’m really excited to continue to prove that the last six times I missed the cut on the PGA weren’t flukes,” Wie said to reporters Tuesday. “I’m going to keep on playing and missing the cut in men’s events until everyone recognizes that my talent is a mirage and my reputation based more on words than deeds. Then I’ll go fail on the LPGA tour and call it a career.”

“We’re excited,” tournament director Clair Peterson said. “She’s a big draw for nontraditional golf fans, who cannot be counted on to grow or sustain the sport, so it’s important for us to attract as many of them as possible. Next year we’re hoping to get sponsor’s exemptions for Michelle, a leprechaun, those Siamese twins that appeared in Playboy, and a golf-playing robot.”

Wie also expressed some displeasure that her charity golf session with Tiger Woods had been cancelled. “Apparently Tiger was worried that if he and I played together it would be like matter and anti-matter and there might be an explosion,” Wie complained. “But I’m not that bad. I’m sure that I do better than last place if I played against children and got six or eight mulligans.”