Thursday, May 3, 2007

Pelosi: Mission Accomplished

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today declared “Mission Accomplished” in the Democrats’ bid to re-make the so-called “Culture of Corruption” in Washington.

“For too long the American people have sat back and watched Republicans and their lobbyist friends funnel money to businesses and special interests!” She said at a triumphant dinner in a posh five-star restaurant in Tahiti for the House Select Committee on Postal Reform. “Over the past five months we’ve managed to change everything. Now all those slush funds and lobbyist dollars and secret transactions are controlled by Democrats, not Republicans, and it’s our friends who are getting the dirty money, not theirs!”

The crowd of representatives and senators was jubilant at her message. “I’m proud of Nancy and the transformative role she’s played in all this,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein. “Times past, I had to be really secretive about funneling money to my husband’s company because there were all sorts of Republicans in line in front of me to take kickbacks. But now, not only can I do it more openly I’ve been put in charge of the Rules Committee, so I pretty much have a blank check.”

“I admire her brazenness,” said Republican lawmaker Randy “Duke” Cunningham from federal prison. “I took money from lobbyists as discreetly as possible because I was afraid of getting caught. She declares that she’s going to change the culture of corruption, apparently to make it more blatant, and that’s sure what she does.”

“From now on no Democratic lawmaker will be afraid to take kickbacks, pander to our countries’ enemies in violation of federal law, or be hopelessly incompetent!” Pelosi said. “We have a place in our party for disbarred judges: that’s the judiciary committee. We have a place for those who know security: somewhere other than Homeland Security. We have a place for those who rig land deals in their home state and surrender in the middle of a war that we’re winning: Senate Majority Leader. What the Republicans did in miniature, we will do on a scale that is breathtaking for its arrogance and incompetence. We will be a congress to remember!”

Lawmakers said they looked forward to returning to Washington to submit their expense reports for the fully-funded trip, which was only attended by Democrats because of “scheduling problems” for any lawmaker from a party representing a party that started with the letters N through Z.