Israel Finalizes 'Emissions Offsets' for Hamas

The Israeli government Monday announced that they were undertaking a new initiative to help the Hamas remain “Carbon Neutral” by offering them offsets when they attack Israel.

“Global warming is serious, and we intend to treat it as such.” Said a government official. “But if Hamas insists on emitting CO2 by using rocket fuel in their attacks, we’re going to help their leaders become zero-emission as an offset. That way, everybody gets what they want.”

“It’s absolutely brilliant,” Planetary spokesman Al Gore said on Wednesday. “I couldn’t be happier with the plan. And I hear that Israel is going to use ‘green’ methods to secure the offsets, so there’s even more to like.”

The opposition political group Fatah commented that “we are fully committed to the Kyoto process and congratulate Hamas on their role in helping to make Palestine compliant with our obligations.”

President George Bush hailed the plan as innovative and said that the US was committed to expanding it. “We’re going to accept Israel’s leadership on this, and immediately apply the same logic in Afghanistan. If the program is successful, we might also broaden it to areas of the globe that desperately need similar offsets, like Iran or Venezuela.”

A Hamas spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity because he didn’t want to become an offset, said “Uh-oh.”