Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Crow’s in the Corn

Environmentalist and retired singer Sheryl Crow today announced that she had agreed to become the spokeswoman for the National Corn Alliance (NCA) and Pfister, with the goal to “reform the way Americans drive, eat, and keep their butts clean.”

Speaking at a press conference in Los Angeles, recently named America’s most polluted city, Crow told reporters that Pfisterand the NCA both had products she very strongly believed in. “The NCA has been a leading actor in biofuels from corn products, and I feel very strongly that they are the wave of the future. And Pfister is the United States’ #1 producer of bidets, which the more environmentally responsible Europeans have long been using as a way to reduce the consumption of toilet paper and thus save the planet.”

Crow expanded her vision for how Americans should go to the bathroom. “Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. Right now we fill our cars with gas and wipe our butts with a lot of paper. But with the advent of ethanol, instead of gas you’d buy corn from your local 7-11. Then you’d scrape the kernels into your gas tank as fuel for the car, and take the cob into your bathroom. When you’d done your business, you’d use your bidet, with the cob there for that occasionally stubborn mess that just won’t wash out. There’s no more paper used, there’s no more gas used, and everybody in the whole world lives in harmony and happiness. And after they dry, cobs are very absorbent, with only occasional chafing.”

Pfister Faucets spokesman Ronny Tapp said they were pleased to have Crow as spokeswoman. “We feel very strongly that those houses that don’t have bidets should buy one immediately, and that Miss Crow is a brilliant thinker whose ideas must be heard, accepted, and passed into law as soon as possible.”

When asked what she thought following Crow’s comments, NCA spokeswoman Sherry Silkear said only “We hope people buy more corn, but I’d rather not go into the particulars.”

Crow offered to demonstrate her procedure for what she called Cob-assisted Removal of Waste, or the CROW system, but the reporters present declined. She also said she plans on a remake of ‘All I Wanna Do’ with the chorus

‘All I wanno do, is wipe with cob,
to keep my butt clean, even though it throbs,
All I wanna do, is wipe with cob,
After I’ve cleaned myself with a bidet like a frog.’

Crow said she was hoping not only to make people more environmentally responsible, but hopefully also reclaim some spark for her moribund career.