Eagles Acquire Vick in Trade

Flanked by GM Tom Heckert and coach Andy Reid, Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie proudly announced Saturday that the Philadelphia Eagles had traded for embattled Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. In return the Eagles traded away their legal team, renowned throughout the league for triumphing over Drew Rosenhaus in the Terrell Owens dismissal fiasco of 2005.

“It’s a great day for the team and for the city of Philadelphia,” Reid said at the press conference. “We took a lot of heat for not addressing our needs at running back during the draft, and now we’ve got one of the premier running backs in the league.”

The Falcons were also pleased, with general manager Rich McKay saying via statement that “We’re going to put their experience to work right away clearing up legal troubles for Ricky Williams and get him over here from the Dolphins to address our need at running back. Then we’ll see about getting out of our lease so we can move from Atlanta to Los Angeles.”

Lurie dismissed concerns over Vick’s troubled past. “Those bible-thumping rednecks in Atlanta might look askance at fine young man like Vick, but not here. Here in Philly we can appreciate a man who can sponsor a good dog fight. I’ve already asked Tom [Heckert] to contact the Phillies about having a charity dog-on-cock fight this summer, and they’ve been very receptive.”

Heckert added “From boxing to Santa Claus, nobody appreciates blood sport like Philly fans.”

Reached for comment in Thailand, where he was watching the World Ultimate Fighting Championship, Vick said he was pleased with the trade. “I’ve often wondered what I could do in a really premiere offense, surrounded by a good line and great receivers, and now I’ll get to find out. Plus, I won’t have to throw the ball any more, which seems like it will do my numbers a lot of good.”