Wednesday, May 30, 2007

New Feature: ESPN Feeder

My brother is a computer programmer, and he’s come up with a program that will take digital TV broadcasts (like CNN or Fox News or what have you), convert them into headlines, scan the net for additional information, and then present them as a sort of synopsis “News Feeder” for a blog. He’s asked me to give it a beta test here on my blog with ESPN.

I let it go overnight and here’s what it came up with:

Keyshawn Johnson joins ESPN: Filling the “protectionist gasbag” void left by the departure of Michael Irvin, Keyshawn Johnson retired from football to begin broadcast duties for the network. Some commentators allege that Johnson has been retired on the field for some time, while others questioned his ability to comment beyond “Look at me!”

Roger Clemens plays solo game: In a scene reminiscent of “Bugs Bunny versus the Gashouse Gorillas”, Roger Clemens apparently unfurled his genius and will be the only player for the Scranton Yankees in their exhibition game against an unnamed opponent.

Barry Bonds is surly: Barry Bonds was surly today, a sign that the pressure of chasing Hank Aaron is getting to be too much for the normally jovial slugger.

Roger Clemens warms up: Roger Clemens warmed up in preparation for his start with the AAA club. No word yet on whether or not there will be opponents.

Tennis: After several highly-ranked Americans were bounced out of a tennis tournament, it ceased to be news. The tournament was in a foreign country, so it wasn’t that important to begin with.

Roger Clemens picks nose: Reports from Scranton were confirmed that Roger Clemens did pick his nose while in the bullpen waiting to start for the Scranton/Wilkes Barr Yankees.

Roger Clemens throws a pitch: In what must be a rare occurrence, Roger Clemens actually threw pitches during a tune-up start for the Scranton Yankees.

Roger Clemens sits in dugout: Roger Clemens sat in the dugout while the other team, whose identity has not yet been confirmed, played defense.

Roger Clemens throws more pitches: Roger Clemens continues to throw pitches for the Scranton Yankees in their game.


At this point I had to cut it off because it malfunctioned and continued to do only Roger Clemens updates for another sixteen terabytes. It’s surely because of a programming error, because I know that ESPN isn’t interrupting actual sports news to hype Roger Clemens starting against AAA players.

I’ll ask my brother to do some fine-tuning and try this again later.