Yankees fire first scapegoat

The New York Yankees Thursday swung into action and fired the first scapegoat for their rapidly deteriorating season, first-year conditioning coach Marty Miller. GM Brian Cashman made the decision on Wednesday, saying that “it’s pretty clear that it was him or somebody else, and I’m somebody else, so I decided it better be him.”

No word yet on who the Yankees hoped to hire, but a luck-bringing Troll doll and an out-of-work mime coach named Mister Blister were rumored to be high on the Yankees’ list as possible replacements. The troll doll currently works for five-time BINGO champion Helen Neidenmacken, who was demanding a six-million-dollar signing bonus.

Mister Blister was available following the collapse of the NHL as a major league sport.

A spokesperson for George Steinbrenner denied rumors that the team had recently hired a voodoo priestess and was putting chicken blood in player’s ointments as a way to ward off evil spirits.

“There’s no truth to this rumor that we’ve run out and hired a voodoo priestess to help us find good karma.” Said the spokesperson through a statement. “We hired Madam Shabooboo four years ago, and her services have been invaluable. If her Schilling doll had worked just a little better in 2004, we’d have no complaints at all. As it is, we’ve been very pleased with her rituals, which do not involve chicken blood. It’s goat’s blood.”